I can't find my infant son anywhere

And to top it all off, my pet snake appears to have a massive tumor. What do I do?

Heimlich!

Was your snake a better pet than your son was a child? They’re both replaceable so it’s actually kind of a toss up.

“Need answer fast”?

It’s been 17 minutes. No.

I’ll put copies of this up on phone poles for you. Chin up!

Get a sign for your snake that says “Baby on board”.

You kill the snake. You ALWAYS kill the snake. The only real question left is whether, after you cut the head of the snake off, you bury the head or burn the head.

Bear Grylls

Watch this tutorial from Mike Rowe.

Did your infant son say he was going out for milk and cigarettes?

Missing child? impossibly rapid developing tumor? The answer is obvious.
You have a localized time rift in your house somewhere. Calibrate your cell phone to detect tachyons, and once you find it close it up with duck tape.

The book *The Little Prince *comes to mind…

Your best hope is that he is found and raised by an over protective panther and an incorrigible old bear.

I’m thinking it’s time to cook some Snake Surprise!

Wait, this isn’t a Fallout 4 thread?

And it’s already stuffed!

What’s the surprise?

Funny responses everyone, but in all seriousness, I really hope the OP has called the police and scheduled an appointment with the vet by now. Missing children and serpentine illnesses are nothing to take a “wait and see” approach on. #realtalk

Could always try swinging the snake over your head, rodeo style, and see if anything pops back out.

Celebrate the fact you got two years’ worth of dependent deductions and only a couple months of dependent care expenses. Profit!!! Woot!!

And the snake won’t need a gerbil until April or so. Think of all the savings!