I Can't Sleep, and it's Slowly Eating Away at my Sanity

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

You know the episode of Star Trek: TNG where nobody can get proper REM sleep and the whole crew, minus Data, begins to go slowly insane from sleep deprivation?

It’s funny I watched that episode on TV for the first time today (‘‘Night Terrors’’) because it seemed to be taunting me with regards to my inevitable fate.

Look, I’ve had insomnia before-- stubbornly and compulsively staying up late on the internet 'til around 7am before finally collapsing in bed and sleeping until noon. That is nothing like what I’m going through right now. Back then, I technically had the option of falling asleep around 4am–I just ignored it until it was physically painful to be awake.

This new plague, however, started with nightmares, sleep paralysis, and weird sleep/fainting attacks during the day where my limbs would go numb or I’d go dizzy and nearly fall on my ass. I was convinced for a while I’d become narcoleptic. I kept waking up at 3 in the morning unable to get back to bed. I have always been quite an anxious person, though I made a pretty solid recovery while traveling abroad this summer–but you could have knocked me over with a feather when the doctors clocked my resting heart-rate at 95 beats per minute. That is basically the state I’ve been in on a daily basis for the last 2 weeks or so. I have been consumed with anxiety to the point that I feel like I’m having one long, perpetual panic attack.

The doctor confirmed that I’m showing all the classic symptoms of REM-sleep deprivation, and assigned me some CBT reading (‘‘The Feeling Good Handbook’’ by David Burns) and told me to get some melatonin or valerian root to help me fall asleep.

I bought the book, which actually is wonderfully helpful for debunking a lot of cognitive distortions, but it’s absolutely useless in helping me sleep. I’ve suddenly become afraid of the dark. I am convinced there is an ax-wielding maniac waiting to come through the bedroom door at any moment. Last night I was certain he was under the bed, waiting to stab me and my husband. I’m also afraid of hallucinating from the sleep deprivation.

I have sat down and written out these cognitive distortions one-by-one, thoroughly submitting them to rigorous rational analysis–no dice. I went so far as to look up the statistical probability of being murdered in my town. It made me feel better right up until l turned off the lights again. Every time the house creaks, whatever, I sit bolt upright in bed, losing whatever progress I was making in getting to the REM stage. (FWIW, the particular fear is irrelevant–in the past I stayed awake worrying about the world coming to an end or what it’s like to be tortured–the point is, I just can’t let go of the terror and feeling of immediate danger, but this is more severe than ever before. It does not respond to traditional methods of treatment. )

I have tried regular sleep aids, valerian root (which made me want to puke), and melatonin. I have tried distraction, deep breathing, throwing the cat out of the bedroom, abandoning all caffeine, and absolutely forbidden naps during the day no matter how tired I get.

I have to be at my first day of job training tomorrow, which requires getting up in 5.5 hours and driving in the early morning. I have had, possibly 7 hours of sleep in the last 3 days–with a record last night of 2 hours after I finally dropped off at 8:30am! I look, and feel, like shit. I keep having horrible stomach cramps and feeling like I’m going to throw up or pass out.

I just now woke up my husband by throwing a stomping tantrum on the floor and collapsing into a fit of desperate tears. I have never been so sleep-deprived. I am losing my ability to function.

What I seek is an emergency remedy to get myself back to a normal sleep schedule ASAP. I think it’s pretty clear I’m going to have to go back to the doctor–she was pretty sure it would take care of itself once I switched BC methods, but that’s over a month away! I need to do something now, or else some very bad shit is going to go down.

Because I know someone will ask, I did take meds in the past (age 18 to 23), for a fascinating complex of anxiety disorders, severe depression and PTSD, but I tapered off them last year because of a marked improvement in my ability to function. I also ended after 6 years of therapy with the mutual support of my therapists, because, you know–improvements all around! I’m all fucking better now, don’t you see!!!

It’s not a path I’d love to go back down again, I’d like to think of it as behind me–but if that’s what it takes to get some fucking sleep, whatever.

I’m so fucking tired I don’t even care that this OP is overly verbose. I am in hell.

2

I’m really sorry to read this. That really must be difficult.

Have you considered going back to your therapist for a short time to deal with just this issue?
Was your therapy CBT? I used to get dozens of panic attacks daily and the combination of medication and CBT helped. One thing I did was get up and look for tigers. If there actually is a tiger in the room, you need to be in a state of anxiety, if not, then learning how to relax helps.

It could very will be related to the new job training. The subconscious mind is good at trying to sabatoge new activites at times.

It may be that going back on medication for a temporary period is also an option to look at. It could be for just a couple of months until you get back on track. It sounds like you’re making a lot of progress, which is great.

My journey through anxiety has been marked with ups and downs. Don’t feel bad if sometime you find youself taking a step backwards.

I hope you can find something which works. We’re pulling for you.

3

I have never found anything that worked as good for sleeping problems as meditation. In all your work with CBT, did you ever learn how to relax? I have found that relaxation is a skill that can be learned like any other - once my body learned how to relax, even though I don’t do conscious relaxation or meditation any longer, my body has learned the knack and retains it.

You’ve done CBT - you know how so much of this is paradoxical - the harder you push, the slower you go, etc. The same with relaxation and sleeping - the bigger a deal you make of it, the longer sleep stays away. My advice to you is start meditating, learn to consciously relax, and quit worrying about it so much. Let go of your need to try to force yourself to sleep.

4

Personally I sleep better with the tv on a music channel, but you may have better results with a white noise generator.

Admitted, they are a little pricey, but what price your health?

If you have the computer or a laptop in your bedroom you might try a software version before you shell out real money.

It’s mostly about screening out the background noise for me.

I sincerely hope you find a solution for your problem, whatever form it may be.

5

I’m so sorry that you are struggling like this. I have no emergency sleep remedies.

If darkness is flipping you out tonight, don’t turn off the light.

Just for tonight, can you hold hands with your husband as you lay in bed?

Just for tonight, can you put a tv on or soft music?

Just for tonight, can you put yourself back in Mexico in your mind? Over and over and over again if you have to. Find that joy and the stillness, you still have it.
Know that you aren’t the only one reading TFGH at the moment.

Peace and goodnight.

6

Olives

Sorry to hear about your problem, it sounds awful. I haven’t suffered from anxiety but have missed a LOT of REM sleep from cluster headaches. These tend to happen about 90 minutes after you go to sleep and wreck your REM.

Some things that I have found helped me:

Heavy exercise sometime during the day. Just something like cycling or jogging that uses a lot of energy. You can’t do it at night though because it tends to wake you up.

As projammer said, people sometimes sleep better with white noise in the room. I use one of those big HEPA air cleaners. Most anything that hums would work. This helps me more than anything else.

If you need a night light use one that is a deep red color. I used an old lava lamp for a while.

You mentioned that you were concerned about the murderer coming through the door. I always sleep with the bedroom door open so I can hear what’s happening in the house. (if anything)

Another thing I’ve used is amitryptaline. This is an OTC medication here and tends to switch me off like a light.

I hope some of these work for you. I really dislike that nasty, drained feeling from not getting enough sleep.

All the best

Testy

7

I am a big fan of self hypnosis.
You lie quietly on the bed and begin by telling your toes to fall asleep, then your feet, then your ankles, then your calves…etc, etc. Take your time…work all the way up your body until you get to your head…then tell your jaw, your cheeks, your forehead…and finally, think of something pleasant…a beautiful field, a beach by the ocean and envision yourself there. Float away…relax…think of the wind and clouds.

Or you could just drink a bottle of wine and pass out. That is not a good thing in the long run though.

8

Some of my more long-winded posts are sure to have a soporific effect. :slight_smile:

Seriously, I sympathize. I have experienced exactly what you describe, fortunately just not so severely.

My solution has been to take small (.5 mg) doses of clonazepam anywhere from 1 to 8 times a month (being an expat in developing countries means never having to get a prescription for your controlled substances). For me it has been a lifesaver - it works like a charm, and I don’t worry about forming a habit since I don’t really have an addictive personality, I don’t allow myself to take it often enough to develop a dependency, and I’ve had the same bottle of pills for nearly 6 years now without finishing it off. In fact, one small dose makes me sleep better and feel rested for two nights, usually. Lucky me.

Obviously, you are experienced with drugs and have a lot of insight about how they affect you for better or worse. Drug-free is a great way to live if it is manageable. But there is no shame in taking something if you need it and it helps you.

9

Please don’t go. A major train crash (Selby IIRC) was caused by a car driver who’d had not enough sleep. Get your husband to call you in sick.

Can I suggest two things to try? First there’s sex - get your husband to get you off big time. Secondly, read a book. Don’t use the computer, just sit in a comfy armchair or bed reading a book.

10

When people first started suggesting meditation to me I had no idea what the hell that meant. It finally started making sense to me when I went to some guided meditation sessions. One that stuck with me that I use when I am having trouble sleeping is this:

Create in your mind a perfect “Sleep Sanctuary”. It is the ultimate bedroom for you. It has the exact bed you want with the most perfect sheets, blankets, etc. The temperature is always exactly right. The whole room is decorated to your tastes, wtih soothing colors, lighting, etc. Put every little detail in this room you want. Candles with your favorite scent. Favorite Flowers blooming outside the window. Since the dark is messing with you make it perpetual sunrise in your sanctuary.

My room has the sound wind blowing through dune grass and gentle waves lapping on a nearby beach. Mine also has my pets and my children already sound asleep nearby (but not HoosierDaddy cuz he snores loudly ;-). Mine also has a deck with a hot tub so I can take a relaxing mental soak before I get in my virtual bed. Everytime you go to your sanctuary, you can change or add any detail you want until you get it just how you want it. Maybe yours needs guards at the door to protect you from trouble.

I think part of why this works for me is that the process of thinking about these things takes my mind off whatever was worrying me and keeping me up in the first place.

11

For me, if I absolutely cannot sleep (I have been known to go three days before passing out, not due to lack of trying, trust me), I take these and 2 shots of Tequila and I am out in 30 minutes. Never fails me. Nothing else short of prescription medication has worked for me.

12

I started on Topomax for my migraines and by the second day the insomnia started. I’ve always been sort of touch as far as sleep is concerned, but this was extraodinary.In the end, before I quit the Topomax, I’d gone 12 days without having a single moment of recognizable sleep. I assume at some points I drowsed, but I had no times when I was aware of being awakened. I was so out of it my co-workers were afraid of my driving. I was hallucinating (but not dreaming). I was desparate. The doctor prescribed Ambiem, but it did nothing. It wasn’t until I quit the Topomax and it got out of my system did I finally sleep.

StG

13

I have found that when this kind of thing happens to me (and it does, fairly regularly unfortunately) it is exacerbated by almost anything I try to do to go to sleep.

The thing that I have found that helps is to find something that is incredibly boring to you. Read your homeowner’s insurance policy, find in-depth descriptions of different kinds of moss, etc. Just find something you have absolutely no interest in at all. Then take a sleeping pill and curl up in bed with your super boring reading material. I have a habit of not being able to turn my brain off, and if I find anything even remotely interesting to keep me awake or if I don’t have something to distract my brain from keeping itself awake I could go for days without sleeping until I feel physically ill.

Try to find yourself a calculus lesson on a cassette tape or something and that should be enough to knock you right out. Best of luck finding a way to get some sleep!

14

You need to get another appointment much, much sooner. If your doctor can’t see you in the next day or so, see someone else. It seems to me that you’ve reached a crisis point. Make it clear you need help NOW.

15

IANAD, but your symptoms sound severe to me, way beyond what meditation and herbs can ease, like a pea shooter against a bear. I hope you got to a doctor and your day went okay. If you told your regular doctor about your state the way you told it here, you need to find a different regular doctor.

16

Others have offered some good suggestions, I just wanted to add one more: Don’t go on the computer a few hours before bed. The light from the computer makes your brain think it’s day and keeps it awake. (Also, for me anyway, computer light can actually make me anxious, but that may be because I associate the computer with work.)

I also second the idea of having some soft music, TV or white noise on in the background. Some of the best sleep I have ever had was while an anime called Dot Hack was playing in the background. The music and the babble of soft Japanese voices were the auditory equivalent of soft pillows. (Or maybe listening to this in conjunction with relaxation exercises.)

Most importantly, though, I third the suggestion of going back to a doctor as soon as a possible. The advice here is probably ok for “normal” insomnia, but it sounds like your situation is more serious and needs another medical opinion.

I hope that you are ok and that things today went ok for you.

17

I have chronic insomnia and the only thing that has worked for me is Ambien. I’m sure your doctor would give you a week’s worth, just so you can get some rest and reset your circadian rhythms. You don’t have to take it longer than that if you don’t want to, but some sleep for you by any reasonable means necessary sounds like it would help you a LOT. Ambien is ideal for short-term treatment of insomnia (too bad I’ve been taking it for a decade, eh?).

Good luck-- insomnia is horrible, as is the paranoia you’re suffering, which might be the result of lack of sleep. Let us know how you’re doing.

18

Another technique that sometimes works well is:
Imagine “sleep” as an external thing floating in the room, like fog. When you’re ready, open your consciousness and invite the sleep to come in.

19

Thanks a lot for the advice–I felt half-crazy when I posted it. I took a triple dose of Melatonin and ended up falling asleep and getting about 3 hours last night–obviously not enough, but something at least.

And Quartz, I’m super cautious about driving safety. I had my husband drop me off at work so that nobody was endangered by my situation.

I think I may have figured out a piece of this–the feedback loop. It is generally recommended that if you can’t sleep, you shouldn’t just lie there, you should get up and do something else for a while and try again later. Every time I would get anxious and leave my bed, the anxiety would dissipate substantially, which achieved the opposite effect of the goal: it reinforced the anxiety. Somehow I think I have to use the old exposure or flooding technique, which has worked well for me in other situations (I did exposure therapy for fear of heights.)

I am also wondering if a big chunk of this anxiety didn’t have to do with starting a new job. It is going to require about 30% of my work to be using Spanish, which is definitely touching on one of my deepest insecurities. It is the first job I’ve ever had where a college degree is required–just graduated and all that. Training went well, but the lack of sleep definitely interfered with my ability to pay close attention.

featherlou, I’m ashamed to say I haven’t been meditating at all, but you’re right–it would help a lot. I love the suggestions for guided meditation and self-hypnosis–something I never considered before.

Tonight I am going to take a double dose of Unisom at about 8pm, and force myself to stay in bed with my eyes closed no matter how anxious I get. My hope is the anxiety will eventually peak (as it generally does for exposure therapy) and decline enough that I can get some rest.

In a way, now that I have started my job, I feel a certain piece of mind I didn’t have before. I’ve basically been sitting at home a bored house wife for the last two months, waiting for the job to start. That would make anyone crazy.

If I can’t sleep tonight, I’m calling the doctor first thing and asking for a scrip for something more hard-core, and even going to see if she would prescribe me the atypical antipsychotic I used to be on (Risperdal) that did wonders for anxiety and PTSD stuff.

Writing this post really made me confront the reality that maybe continuing therapy or meds could do me good. I have been stubbornly resisting out of foolish pride and a fear of recreating my past. I am still trying to process the new info, but I can’t be so in denial any more. It might be the best option.

Thanks again. I’m not going to post again until I get some rest. Whoever mentioned upthread about computer monitors is soooo right… I feel like I’m brain dead trying to slog through these complicated words and ideas. It also explains the compulsive need to surf the web far into the early morning I’ve felt with past insomnias.

Have a good night, thanks all…

Christy

20

You’ve hit the nail on the head, why meditation (or self-hypnosis) works so well for sleeping problems. Instead of going round and round on whatever thing you’re worrying at, you concentrate on your breathing or the imagery you’re creating in your mind. This does two things - it jars the needle of your mind out of the rut it’s getting into, and it lets your mind know that you are in control, not it, and you have decided it’s sleeping time, not worrying time.

Olives, if you were coming to my self-help group with a problem like this, I would tell you not to worry - it’s perfectly understandable that you would have heightened anxiety over a major life change like this. Try to go a little easy on yourself.