I just signed up to participate on these boards and would like to be congratulated and welcomed by all, and paid for each post with cold hard cash or sexual favors of an extremely deviant nature. Thank you.
I like you already… you’re honest.
Welcome to the boards Ooner. Have fun… 
[sub]How about some sexual favors preformed with money?[/sub]
I’m sorry, we don’t give in to demands.
[sub]into handheld radio[/sub]
Call in the SWAT Team.
Ooner , the only way to get what you want is to follow ChiefScott around and post to him, and always use smilies when doing so. He is in charge of cash and sexual favors on this board.
I just hope that message isn’t misconstrued and I end up performing deviant sexual favors for money.
Hmm…
Welcome, Ooner! I’ve already got deviant sexual favours in mind for you.
Ooner, I agree entirely. Us newbies should have the world laid down at our feet and have the more attractive posters of either gender cater to our every whim. Or something like that, anyway.
This is the kind of stuff that should’ve been in Crunchy Frog’s Welcome Wagon thread. None of that “Bite me newbie”, more like “Where would you like me to bite you?” 
Anyway, welcome aboard, and don’t take me seriously. I’m never serious. [sub]Or am I just kidding when I say that? …[/sub]
Welcome to the boards. Abandon all ignorance, ye who enter here. Check all weapons at the door. There is a four-drink minimum. The management reserves the right to pimpslap anyone who gets out of line, or anyone else they feel like at the time. All rights reserved. Void where prohibited. Please do not feed the animals. Keep your head and arms inside the tram car at all times. Contents may settle during shipping. Your investment may go down as well as up. Trust noone. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Please keep your personal belongings with you at all times. And have a nice day!
SOOOOO you are new and you EXPECT a welcome…save it for the God like people, you aren’t. 
So okay, welcome aboard the SDMB but don’t expect a red carpet and a bowing from this kid.
Sheesh!
Well, Ooner, I already gave Crunchy a blow~job to go. But if you say really nice things about me, you can have one too.
Welcome, Ooner! Hi, Opal!
Yeah. Well. Hi.
I know it doesn’t mean as much from me as from the old hands, but from one newbie to another…Hi.
You demand a greeting?? Well, I demand chocolate… What are the odds??
Greeting, indeed…
Hey howzit.
Welcome.
I’ll er… take the cash if it’s all the same to you…
Cool name! I hope you won’t misconstrue my customary hugs and kisses greetings as deviant sexual favors. Hmmmmm.
----:p/ x o x o x
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Have fun! (Sounds like you already are.)
Hello Ooner, you come accross as awfully shy, you shouldent you know everyone else here just says what they think 
Bienvenue, Ooner!
«Je ne veux pas du réalisme. Je veux de la magie!» - White Woods
Silly person.
There are no such things as deviant sexual favors. There are only those which may be a tad more arduous than others.
No money, I wouldn’t waste it on someone who could make such an ignorant pronouncement…
Welcome and have a blast
Congratulations and welcome to the board.
My check is in the mail. Honest.
Now about these sexual favors–what exactly to you have in mind?
Oh and how old are you?
Ooner - Sexual favor is in the mail. Honest.