Well, I had an altercation with a friend of mine. Words escalated and he struck me in the face. For whatever reason, immediately after I did not proceed to pummel him. As I’ve mentioned before I’m in the army, I work out religiously, I am a big powerful man who knows how to defend himself. My friend is also a large man but he probably would not have “won” if I’d struck back. But for whatever reason even though someone attacked me I just did not feel right hitting him back.
I kicked him out of the house, and haven’t really considered what my next actions in regards to him will be.
It seems strange to me that this was the course of action I chose. I’m not one known to be passive or peaceful when confronted physically, in like situations in the past I have I’ve responded with blows. But since he struck me once and showed no sign of doing it again I oddly didn’t feel intense anger.
So I wonder, should I have struck back? I was always raised to hit back when someone hits you, so what I’ve done feels very alien to me.
In my opinion, you did the right thing. There was no reason to retaliate and doing so would likely have made it more difficult to patch things up with your friend in the future.
If he had absolutely no chance in a physical confrontation with you, then it’s just as well you didn’t hit him back. When the other person involved is incapable of defending himself then it probably isn’t right to physically retaliate unless it is the only way to stop the other person from continuing their attack.
Kicking him out of the house probably sent the same message kicking his butt would have in that it has shown that there are consequences to his actions. In fact, it may have even sent a more powerful message by demonstrating that you didn’t have to use force in that situation.
Your friend got the message and you did not have to resort to physical violence. You’re the better man for it and it’s likely he’ll be thinking of himself as a real jerk once things cool down a bit.
I’ve done the same thing when I don’t feel threatened. It’s not about “doing the right thing.” It’s almost like there’s some sixth sense that tells me if I need to fight, and if I do I do, if I don’t I don’t.
A good friend of mine hit me in the ribs once, out of anger, and the very instant he did it I somehow knew he wasn’t going to do it again so I didn’t feel the rush I would normally get to defend/attack. He apologized almost immediately and nothing even close has happened since then (I’d guess it’s been maybe 8 years?)
My grandfather struck grandma once. He was 5’10" (now he’s shorter, turning 90 will do that to you), she 5’3". On the ‘return’ slap, she grabbed his forearm with such force that she stopped it and said “don’t you DARE raise your hand to me or MY child EVER again. Do you understand?” He said “yes.” That was the end of it. That was 2 more daughters and some 63 years worth of marriage ago, they’ll be celebrating their 65th aniversary this May.
She was angry as angry can be, but let me ask you, do you think that slapping him would have been as effective? None of us believes that it would have.
I once got slapped by a teacher for “giving her lip”. If she’d been a student, I would have given him/her a black eye (or at least black cheekbone, never had good aim), but since she was a teacher, I did not. But she saw in my eyes that if she DID aim for a ‘return’ slap, she was going to get it, and that made her realize that she shouldn’t have lost her temper in the first place. She apologized fort it immediately and I said that while I apologized for any disrespect I had intended none and I stood by my opinions; she had to swallow it. Again, do you think that headbutting her would have done any good? Naaah.
As for your next move, nothing. The ball is on HIS roof. If he apologizes, you may still be able to pick the friendship back; if he apologizes but you realize you don’t really want to be friends with him any more you can still accept the apologies. If he isn’t man enough to apologize, sentence deleted because it would be more appropiate for the Pit.
Like mom used to say, “two wrongs don’t make a right.” You’re the better man for having kept your cool and acting just like you did. That is, like a man who doesn’t need to strike back.
I’d spend some time, as I’m sure you are, reevaluating the friendship. People who hit once, can and often do hit again. I have a zero tolerance policy about it myself.
Unless I’m mistaken, you identify yourself as a Christian, right?
Jesus said to turn the other cheek. You can argue that he didn’t really mean it, that he couldn’t have meant it, that he meant it then but not now, or for him but not me. I’ve seen all sorts of justifications for why people have chosen not to obey this commandment, but at the very least, you can surely agree that it is an ideal, however difficult or impractical it may be to actually live up to it.
I agree with everybody who says you did the right thing. As it is now, the guy has paid a price for what he did, but nobody got hurt. Would things be better if you had punched him out, or if you both had reached for whatever weapons were handy (kitchen knives, glass ashtrays, lamps, baseball bats)? I’d say you won the confrontation.
You also have to consider the legal implications of a fight between two adults. If somebody had gotten hurt, somebody else would go to jail. People are in prison for things that started out as nothing more than an accidental bump in a crowded bar. The fact that you know how to defend yourself if you need to makes it that much easier for you to choose to walk away.
There is also something to be said about being tough enough to take a hit and not have it affect you. He lost control of his emotions, he struck out, you took it, blinked, and threw him out without losing control.
Seriously, though, this doesn’t sound like a situation where that rule would apply. It’s not like he was trying to physically intimidate you or take advantage of you. You had an argument and he lost his temper (and self-control) and that’s that. I would suggest that if there is a most appropriate next step, then it would be calling him up and going out for a beer—and forgetting that the incident ever happened.
Macho hype about dishing damage back is stupid… and like africanus mentioned above is very counter productive.
Maybe bashing him up would have satisfied some urge for violence… but I bet you would be quite unhappy the next day. Your so called friend came out the loser… in that you didn’t make yourself a villain as well.
Your friend is probably the kind of guy that beats up chicks too… no temper control… sad.
Well, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. People can be made angry enough to take a swing and then regret it without being abusive. (I say this because I’ve made a person or two take a swings at me. )
Revenge, anger, and retaliation are all things that you feel without wanting to feel them, and usually cause more problems than they solve.
If you’re lucky enough to not feel them, even if it’s only in selected situations, you have a tremendous advantage. No sense in dispassionately knocking the hell out of the guy just to “teach him a lesson”.
Retaliation is not self-defense. If he were to continue swinging at you after the first punch, him being a big guy, I’d think that you would be well advised to fight back. But trading a tit-for-tat blow just because one would want to teach the other a lesson is, in my mind, pretty childish.
From what you’ve described, you acted like a responsible adult. I think you should have nothing to do with the guy until he also starts acting like a responsible person, by offering you an apology for the punch (and probably for the underlying dispute at hand, too).
Speaking as a large, strong man myself, and with some knowledge of how these things go, I can assure you that when ever you tally up a list of the wisest things you have ever done this will rank near the top. Sure, you can indulge yourself in fantasies of beating the mucktuk out of him, but in the real world, grown man beatdowns invariably involve policemen, doctors, lawyers, judges, jail, criminal and civil actions, probation and/or fines, anger management counselors, new furniture, disgusted spouses, frightened children, and oh it just goes on and on.
Give yourself a big fat gold star for not falling down that rabbit hole.
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