He’s eight. I’m visiting from out of state, and don’t get to see him in person a lot as a result. We have, or have had, a pretty good rapport.
We were playing in the pool, and I threatened to flip him while he was in a ring. He said no, and I didn’t. Later, I threatened again, and he said no, laughing, and somehow, I thought it’d be a good idea to do it this time.
I did, and he was mad, for good reason. I’ve apologized much, and sincerely, outlining that I shouldn’t have gone against his wishes, but I hate that I broke his trust like that. I have little time or opportunity to make it up to him further (less than two weeks, and overall, as explained above).
I was slightly younger than your nephew when my much-older sister pulled a similar stunt; it ended with me nearly drowning and resulted in a lifelong (well, so far, at least) paralyzing fear of water. I’m not saying that you nearly drowned your nephew, or that you’ve scarred him for life, but please let this be a lesson to you about boundaries- particularly children’s boundaries.
Good for you for apologizing; it’s more than my sister managed to pull off.
Honestly, I don’t even remember my thought process. I’m not normally a “no means yes” type of guy.
If you’re talking about the flip action itself, I don’t have anything against it per se. It struck me as good clean pool fun, at least against a majority.
Suggestion:
Ask him to go swimming again. On the way, tell him you promise not to flip him without his
permission. Keep your word. He’ll eyeball you for awhile at the pool. But you have 2 weeks and kids are pretty forgiving of grownups who actually/sincerely apologize.
(I have grandsons.) Good luck.
Kids aren’t goldfish. Sheesh. It’s quite possible that it really won’t be a big deal long-term, but don’t act like kids are incapable of forming memories or feeling betrayal or distrust, people.
Leaper, I’d play it by ear. Next time you see him, just see how he acts and talks to you and try to have a fun time. If he seems distant or distrustful, maybe talk with his parents after (or during, but away from him for privacy) to figure things out further. If he seems basically okay, awesome! Show him your love and trustworthiness with fun and respect.
Don’t feel too bad. Almost all kids (and people in general) have had that type of stunt pulled on them more than once. Sometimes they think it is funny but other times they get belligerent about it and it is hard to tell beforehand which it will be.
My youngest daughter is a really good swimmer. She jumps in deep end and swims from end to end like a fish. Last year, just after we opened the pool, she was standing at the edge staring at the water when I asked he to jump in. She hesitated so I just reached out and casually pushed her in. You would think that I was actively trying to kill her based on her response. It was nothing but (fake) choking, screaming and wailing. I ended up jumping in after her to rescue her. Being the drama queen that she is, she made quite the scene but that still didn’t stop her from jumping in on her own and doing just fine not 10 minutes later.
Those types of things are all about context. You made an assumption about him that didn’t work out. It happens to all of us especially when it comes to kids (or women). You didn’t do anything objectively bad but, for whatever reason, he thought you did at the moment. There is no good way to avoid that dilemma completely unless you never play with anyone at all.
Quite a few people manage to avoid this dilemma by taking no as no. It’s even possible to play with children (and women!), have a grand old time, and avoid ticking them off by not doing things they ask you not to do.
OP, you upset your nephew and apologized. Kids really do recognize apologies, especially ones that don’t include justifications for what was done. Learning from your mistakes is one very good way to avoid this dilemma completely in the future. You and your nephew will be good.
You will be fine. The most important thing is you owned up to the mistake and apologized immediately.
I think many of us are familiar with people who would never apologize for fear of looking weak or some such shit. Those are the people who damage children.
A mistake followed by an apology can be healthy in a weird way. Not that you want to go making mistakes for the hell of it, but if you do you can show a child the importance of honesty, humility and forgiveness, lessons worthy of a lifetime.
I’m having trouble parsing this response, but the answer I was looking for is “No, it is not okay to dunk someone in a pool after he or she has asked you not to, regardless of his or her age or relationship to you.”
Accidental drowning is a rather common cause of death. Fear of water is also very common. And then there’s the whole doing-something-to-me-that-I-don’t-want-you-to-do thing.
This is important: you must never, never, never do anything like this again. “No” must mean NO from now on. He may forgive you, but you probably will not get a third chance. He may be willing to accept that you fucked up once, but if you give him any reason to see this as part of a pattern of behavior, then you may be beyond the event horizon. What’s more, even if he forgives you, and starts acting like his old self with you again, he may still be wary of you.
That he felt comfortable enough around you to show his feelings. That means he has some measure of trust around you.
That you apologized immediately and didn’t try to shame him for his negative reaction. You could have said “lighten up, crybaby” or something like–which is what a douchebag uncle would have done.
Leaper, when I was your nephew’s age, and for a few years thereafter, I was deathly afraid of water. Sure, I could be in a ring, but any way of merely putting my face in the water would have resulted in a full-blown panic attack that could have easily resulted in drowning. I don’t know whether this is your nephew’s situation, but if I had said “no” and you went ahead and did it anyway, my mistrust of you would have lasted a long, long time. When someone expresses something to you, you have to listen and believe them.
