Here is a mitigating factor though. I live about 1 hr from my parents. So I have been visiting every weekend since she got the diagnosis. I go home after work on Friday, then leave again on Sunday night. It isn’t like I never see my mom, I see her 3 days a week. Also on days after hospital visits I was going to go home after work, spend the night, then leave early the next day.
What bothers me, again, is that my boss who turned me down took 12 weeks unpaid when her kid was born. That shows a total lack of respect for their employees.
Also my job does have some perks. So that is hard to give up. I’m just very confused right now.
Since you said parents house what kind of shape is your father in? Does your mother need that much help or is it that you just want to spend time with her? Also if you’re married or have children you have to weigh your financial responsibilities to them. And I’ve learned a long time ago bosses always have extra perks and feel they deserve them because they’re bosses.
My dad and other brother and his wife can function as caretakers. It is just to enjoy the time left with her.
Not married, no kids.
Taking unpaid time off yourself to be with family, then denying it to an employee is not really a perk as much a test of being a halfway decent human being.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time at work, but I have to disagree with you on the above sentiment. IMHO, any woman ought to be able to take time off before, during and after giving birth, and the fact that this leave happens to be unpaid in the US doesn’t make it disrespectful to turn down other family leave requirements, like yours.
Her taking leave was presumably approved by SOMEONE. Can you appeal to them?
Given that you live only an hour away I think it would be pretty foolish to quit your job over it, especially if you do have some paid vacation time saved up, I mean it sucks, but its life, if it were me, I wouldn’t make a rash decision to quit, are there any other reasons you’ve been wanting to quit?
I do want to let you know one thing. When my brother in law was dying I switched jobs. I liked my job, I liked the company I was working for. But my entire life - including work - got just really stressful and I needed to change something - I couldn’t change that my son had hit the troublesome teenagers years (worse than some, better than some), I couldn’t change that my brother in law was dying, I couldn’t change that my husband was in incredible pain over that (and that in helping his brother he managed to permanently hurt his back - so there was physical pain as well). But I could switch jobs.
I didn’t like the place I landed, ended up homeschooling my wayward son for a year, landed two other places, and am now running our business - which is less profitable for me than working, but we are doing fine. But it was change, and I needed to feel I could control something.
On the other hand, I lost the people I worked with who would listen. The ones that had known me for years, the ones that would have said “take as much time as you need” when he died. For you, these wouldn’t be the people at your employer, but the people at the client.
So I think what I’m saying is “how much about this is about needing to feel like you control something.” You are at a client, my guess is (having done that sort of work myself - and that’s the sort of business I run now) you have very little contact with your home office and your boss. i.e. as long as the paychecks come, you don’t have to deal with her much. You like the client - see what you can work out with your client - 4 ten hour days and long weekends with your mom? Three ten hour days, a work from your mom’s place ten hour day and three days off? Take the vacation you have.
The standard answer is “you’ll never get this time back with your Mom” - but the reality is that any of us could lose our remaining time with someone tomorrow, and we don’t make life stop.
It’s only an hour each way. My dad was in the hospital an hour away for about 4 months before he died, I visited him every day (except some time in ICU when visiting hours were only visiting minutes at a time I couldn’t be there). Weekdays was only an hour or so, weekends a good bit longer. It was a bummer, and I don’t miss making that drive, but it’s not like I felt I had to quit my job over it. Of course an hour a day may not be what you consider enough time, I can’t say. I’m not an overly emotional person as far as death and dying goes - my entire family except one niece is dead, so it might be different if this is just the start of your family dying off.
“Only an hour” can be very, very long depending on what hours one is working. These may not even be an enormous amount, just hours which aren’t very good for matching one’s natural rhythms, working hours, and the times the person being visited is available (if in hospital) or happy to receive visits.
See if you can work something out with the client and start looking at jobs in your area. Explore the possibilities. To make a plan, you need information.
In that case, I’d say leave. Even if it takes quite awhile to find another job, there are volunteer opportunities or other activities to keep you engaged during that time.
And I have to agree with araminty about the maternity leave. That’s standard and presumably is available to anyone who is having a baby. This doesn’t mean they are being dicks about your leave, but it’s not equivalent.
I say don’t quit - just demand what you need and you have a right to (which includes your full vacation time and unpaid leave for a family emergency). Either they’ll think about it and decide that you’re worth keeping (win!), or they’ll fire you and you have an excellent claim on unemployment insurance. In most states, if you quit it is difficult to file for unemployment, but being fired for family emergencies will generally be eligible. (But document! The company may try to deny your claim by saying they fired you for not showing up on days that they had scheduled you. If you can show that you had requested leave, they can’t call that an acceptable reason to fire you. Document the hell out of it.)
True, I missed that. However, denial of needed family leave may be considered grounds for “constructive dismissal” in his state, and he would still be eligible for unemployment insurance.
vacation time available that might not be easily replaced
no guarantee of another job
no guarantee of a job that pays as much
a current paycheck that could help family members in need
other family members and friends who can chip in with their time.
8 hrs of free time each day that can be used to help family members
I’ve gone through this with 2 parents. With the help of Hospice and siblings and hired help we had no problems dealing with it and my extra time off work wouldn’t have helped much if any at all.
Each situation is different but there is a limit to what you can do off work that can’t be done with a little planning and it has to be weighed against jeopardizing one’s professional future.
This is an emotional time for the op and the natural reaction is to be there 24/7. The reality of it is that the 8 hrs spent at work can be offset by help from others which leaves the rest of the day to be there for your loved one.
I can’t begin to praise the work done by Hospice. They were able to do things for my parents that no family member could.
So that’s my devil’s advocate 2cents. Best of luck for all involved.
I don’t think I would quit my job over this, even though it seems like you in a pretty good position to do so if you want.
You said you have flex time so I would push the limits of that policy as much as you can to make it easier to spend time with your Mom. I would also use your available vacation days to take off Mondays and/or Fridays every couple weeks so you can have more days when you visit your parents.
What sucks the most is that companies will find replacements and unless they are the owner of the company with their lives invested in it, they aren’t going to care how good of an employee you were or that they may be losing the best employee they ever had.
Business is money and they can’t allow their employee’s needs to slow down their money making.
I would have reacted the same way. I would feel hurt and taken for granted. I would want to spend this time with my mom and I would want nothing more than to help a sibling in need.
I would be afraid of not being able to find another job, though. Maybe it would be a good idea to check out the classifieds to see if other jobs in your field are available and if one sounds really good maybe you should give them a call.
You can’t help to take care of others if you, yourself are in need. Having a steady source of income is important and without it, life is really hard.
You have the vacation time to spend with your mom, right? Maybe you could find someone to help your brother… I wish I was closer to you, I would jump at the chance to help somene with a newborn.
I would do whatever it takes to spend time with my mom because your mom would do it for you but she also understands that you may not be able to be by her side every minute and I don’t know how sick she is and although it wouldn’t matter, I would still want to be by my mom’s side even while she lay in a coma but what we want and what we have to do in order to maintain ourselves are two different things.
I’m sorry if I sound heartless but I’ve been without work and I know how it feels to apply for food stamps. It’s hard and full of compromise… it’s also hard to ask for help.
I’m sure you will find a compromise that helps you to work it out while maintaining your dignity and smile.
Good luck to you
My heart goes out to you during this time of loss and uncertainty
I’m so sorry you are going through all this. You aren’t overreacting, your feelings make perfect sense. Whether quitting is in your best interest or not (despite your feelings) is a harder nut to crack.
I’ve quit jobs for far lamer reasons, and I somehow manage to bounce back. But I do have a gift for resumes and interviews.
In that regard, if you do decide to leave, I’d be happy to help you with your resume.
WesleyClark, I’m sorry you are going through this. You are not overreacting.
My experience in a similar situation says, tell them what you are doing and take the fallout later. I was very, very close to my maternal grandmother. When she died, and I asked for time off, my boss didn’t have any words of sympathy, just “make sure your reports are done before you leave on Friday and be back on Monday”. I wasn’t able to spend time with my mom or family, nothing.
Looking back, I’d have said fuck it and gone to do what I needed to.
If you’d have a tough time finding a similar job, be sure to build up your network on LinkedIn and such, if your network isn’t already robust. When you job hunt, no one will think any less of you for saying in an interview, “I left my last job because my mother was dying of cancer and I needed to be with her.” Whether or not the company fires you, you can say “left my last job”. Most employers only verify salary and employment dates, to cover their butts from lawsuits.
You’re certainly not overreacting and I would hate to be in a bind like that. It must be like being in a vice. Unfortunately I can only offer my thoughts but no worthwhile advice.
I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I feel there are two separate, but obviously related, issues. Firstly, is the company behaving poorly in not allowing you the time off you’ve sought? Absolutely. I have frequently seen managers treat workers with little compassion in order to appear ‘committed’ and ‘determined’ to their own managers.
The less obvious question is whether you need to demonstrate this unfairness by quitting: if you cannot spend sufficient time with your dying mum, then you have to walk. But if it may be possible to just about see enough of her to feel comfortable and not neglectful, I say do that. The company’s not lifted a finger to help you, but you’ve done what you can.
Good jobs (my definition) are not easy to find (I’m a chemist too).
Such a difficult situation though, I really feel for you.