First. for those who don’t like drunken rants, please leave this thread now.
Now, for those that are still here, a little background is in order. I’m thirty-five and I have a twin brother, fraternal from what I understand. I say from what I understand because I’ve never met him.
This is what I know about T.W.I.N.Top. At approximately six months old, he was turned over to the state we lived in because my mum couldn’t handle me, my three older sisters, and T.W.I.N. Why? That’s a damn good question. I don’t know. I’ve heard different stories from different family members. That he was severely developmentally disabled, that he had major (physical) problems, and that both were true. Do I blame my mum and dad for depriving me of my only brother? No. I was six fucking months old when it happened. I don’t remember him at all. I don’t know what their situation was. I remember. when I was old enough, that we never had alot of money coming in at any time and for any kind of special needs child, what they did was probably for the best for him.
So, what the fuck is this rant about, you might ask. Simple. Like the title says, I don’t know who I am. Ya see, I’m a junior(sp?), but I’ve heard that I was the second born. Odd, eh? Have I been living my life under the wrong name? Might seem like a stupid question, but imagine if your name was different. How people treated you would be different. Because of that, you would be a different fucking person…
There’s also the practical matters. My wife and I have two wonderful little girls, but I don’t know their full medical background, because my mum won’t tell me sod all about what was wrong with T.W.I.N.Top. Everything I know about him is snipets from second hand sources. I’m sure it must be painful for my mum, but for my kids, I NEED TO KNOW, but she won’t say jack shit about it to me. Now, maybe she’s right that it’s none of business. but I think that because I SHARED A FUCKING WOMB WITH HIM, it is my business,.
Well, my beer is empty and W.I.F.E.Top just pulled up with B.A.B.Y.Top 1 & 2, so I’m outta here.
I have a fraternal twin but my sister and I look very similar. Baby pictures are weird to look at because we can rarely distinguish who’s who. Often times, I’ve wondered how certain my parents are that they didn’t mix us up when we were younger.
If my name was actually you with the face instead of monstro, would I be the same person? Yes, I would be. If something had happened to my sister shortly after our birth and our parents had decided to give me her name as some kind of weird memorial, would I be a different person? No. I’d still be me.
You may have turned out differently if you had been raised as a twin rather than as a singlet, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t who you were meant to be. I don’t really understand why you’re going through such an identity crisis, even though I should. I remember there were many times growing up when I didn’t know who I was because other people couldn’t distinguish me from my sister. Maybe you’re identifying with someone because you feel you should, and this is keeping you from recognizing that you’re two individual people who had lives that did not have to be shared–despite the fact that you have occupied the same womb.
Your pain is real and justified but I think you’re thinking about this thing way too hard. If you’re afraid that your brother’s condition is genetic, you could investigate the rest of your family/relatives. More importantly, I don’t know how you could make your mother talk about something as painful as this. You may feel entitled to the information, but from her point-of-view she may feel like her right to privacy trumps your curiosity. She may feel like you have no right to feel pain since you did not even know this person and wouldn’t have known this person if it hadn’t been for people telling you about him. She may also feel like you’re intentionally hurting her every time you mention it. If your soul is truly dying for more information, I would consult someone besides your mother. Out of everyone involved, she probably carries the most guilt and pain about the situation.
monstro(and Rooves), thanks for the responses.
I don’t know if I can put it into words, monstro, but I’ll try. First, I agree with you about my mum. I’m sure it’s still painful for her. That’s why, until my wife was pregnent, I didn’t push real hard about this. All the children in my family have something wrong with them. My oldest sister has Ichthyosis, the second oldest is a Type 1 diabetic, and the youngest of my three sisters has been on anti-depressants for a few years. In addition, I have a problem with my esophagus. So you can see why I’m concerned about my family’s complete health history.
As for the name thing, it’s a psychological thing. Imagine that you were your parents second choice to be a junior . The only reason you father “blessed” you with his name is because his first born son was “defective” so you were better then nothing. If you knew my dad and how he treated us growing up, you’d definitely get that impression. Yeah he was a jerk. Hell, he still is.
I hope the above makes sense, 'cause that’s the best I can do.
From time to time, there still appear appropriate and meaningful Pit threads. This is one of those times. I do understand you, Desk. Your moral journey is a difficult one, but upon its completion, your spirit will shine brighter than all those around you. God go with you, sir.
And that answers the question I posed in this thread. Nice to get an answer, even though it hasn’t really been bugging me. Desk, I really hope you get the information you need… but it’s a difficult road you travel.
I think the point is that, while you might still be you even if your parents named you Great Whore Jezebel, the you that you would have been could have been very different from the you that you became. Desk’s name has been the source of much mental and emotional anguish, which he would not have suffered if he had not had his name to deal with. So, yes, he’s still Desk because Desk is what he became. But with a different name, he likely would have had an entirely different set of life experiences.
You have to understand that. I–and probably most people with any modicum of decency–disapprove of your parent’s decision to name the first born after your father. Twins already have to struggle hard for equal love and affection, and they were basically tilting the playing field (so to speak) in favor of your brother from the very beginning. Which sucks. I’m guessing you feel like an imposter? Like, in another universe somewhere your brother was never disabled, never given away, and you’re the lowly, omega-male twin that no one respects? Do you feel the love you receive from your parents was not really meant for you, but for your brother?
Ask yourself this: if it hadn’t been for the Jr. title initially going to your brother, do you think you’d be having this crisis? Or is it the fact that you took his name in general that’s bothering you?
This is interesting to me because I too have felt resentment based on some things. I was born second as well. I was the runt between us. Not only that, but I was the “weak” one. I was the twin who stopped breathing as a newborn. I was the twin who had the hernia and had to have surgery. I was the twin who had crooked legs and reached her milestones later than her faster sister. I was the twin who was clumsy and awkward and thus pitied by the family. I was also the twin that was tormented in school for being the “retarded”/ “goofy”/ “crazy” one and suffered from self-doubt because of it. Imagine how it is growing up an seeing a mirror image of your extenal self while looking at an opposite of your internal self. I am so thankful that we are fraternal twins, because otherwise I wouldn’t have any good explanations for our personality differences.
We’re on opposite ends of the coin as well, D.E.S.K. You’re wishing you knew your twin so that you could become more grounded in who you are. Sometimes (especially as a teenager) I wish I had known life without someone to constantly compare myself to so that I too could learn Who I Am. One day we’ll come to accept our situations without guilt or resentment and embrace ourselves. We just have to work it through in our minds and let the past go.
monstro, I probably wouldn’t have such a big problem if I would have been the one named “Bill Smith” instead of being “John Smith, Jr.”, because then I would know that they intended that for me from the beginning. But the name thing is actually a pretty minor thing. The main thing is the total lack of any meaningful information about what was wrong with him. If it was mental retardation, hey - no worries. My girls are way ahead of where most kids their ages are. But if it was something physical/genetic, let me know so that I’ve got the family medical background.
Lib, an “appropriate and meaningful Pit thread”. What, should I have cussed more? Sorry, I’ll try to do better (worse?) in the future. Seriously, God be with you and yours also, sir.
“From time to time, there still appear appropriate and meaningful Pit threads. This is one of those times.” — means that your thread is appropriate and meaningful.
Lib, apologies. My attempt at humour to lighten the thread was apparently destroyed by a AWOL smilie. The passage quoted was a dig at my own OP, asking what I could do to avoid creating an “appropriate and meaningful Pit thread” so I’m not out of step with the majority in the future. It was meant totally in jest. I hope offence wasn’t taken - none was intended.
Is it possible that your Mom doesn’t know that information? I’m thinking about how much we know (or I knew) about our kids’ overall health and development at 6 months. You wouldn’t use the developmentally disabled tag at that age unless there was some obvious barrier…there are so few developments to measure, and if your baby isn’t sitting up at six months, well, he might sit up at 8 months. (?) There are no hard and fast rules. I’ve worked with many retarded children and adults but I’m not well-versed in the different types and causes. Some are immediately identifiable, like Down’s Syndrome, others aren’t. In 1968 I wonder if they even bothered much with making a distinction between them and the varying degrees, unless she had access to more advanced treatment.
In other words…thirty-five years ago, it’s likely that all she was hearing was “he’ll never be normal, you can’t care for this baby”, etc, and institutionalizations were the norm. How much did they feel she needed to know?
Tee, I’ve actually cosidered that. The problem is, I don’t even know if it was mental retardation or if it was a physical health issue. What I mean by physical health is that I heard from one sister that he needed a series of operations to correct throat problems. So, you see, even knowing that much would be of help. I’m not looking for specifics, I’d just like to have some general idea.
What about asking your dad? What about approaching the appropriate government agency?
If I were in your situation, I’d want to know if my twin is still alive. If he is, I’d want to find him and do what I could to make sure he is being treated well.
I have a friend who is named “Ann” only because her mother’s first-born daughter “Ann” died in infancy. My Ann always went by her middle name, and it has just become clear to me why.
> Like the title says, I don’t know who I am. Ya see, I’m a junior
> (sp?), but I’ve heard that I was the second born. Odd, eh?
> Have I been living my life under the wrong name?
What does the birth order have to do with your correct name? There’s no rule that says that only a first son can be named after the father. I was named after my father, despite the fact that I have a brother who’s four years older. My parents just happened to like the name they gave my older brother. They then later also decided that they would also like to name one of the sons after my father. It may be more common to name the first-born son after the father, but there’s no rule that says that only the first son can get that name.
Worrying about the fact that you don’t know your family medical history is reasonable, because it would tell you about what sorts of medical conditions you and your daughters should be thinking about. Worrying about your name is ridiculous. Your name is your name. Your older brother’s name is his name. If you don’t like your name, change it, or go by a nickname, or go by your middle name, or whatever. But wasting time worrying about your name is absurd.
