You can have my Kitchenaid stand mixer when you pry it from my warm, fluffy oven mitts!
Menacing indeed.
I do not need a boring white KA mixer. It is certainly acceptable to continue burning up the motors in hand mixers when I have to mix royal icing for 12 minutes continuously. And I certainly do not have any use for homemde whipped cream on fruit as a healthy snack. No sirree. I also do not enjoy the hands-free mixing of cookie dough and cake batter. I like what my hand mixer does for the biceps.
I also do not need to be drooling over the pretty colored ones that I covet so deeply. Nor do I need the $30 that I am about to drop on a second bowl for this non-existent KA mixer.
My complete disdain for this product has led me to search for a supplier who is not “out of stock” for this item. I didn’t just order one, either.
Well, fuck.
Yes, I’m too very lucky that my girlfriend has not settled on “Kitchen-Aid Red” as her color scheme in the kitchen, and not only do we then not need the stand mixer, but we don’t need the blender, toaster, food processor, pots and pans, assorted silicone dealies, kitchen towels or any of the other things that Kitchen Aid makes in that single shade of deep red that isn’t able to be replicated by any other company on earth that sells things much cheaper. 
What a relief it is to know that I won’t need to order an onyx black 5qt Artisan model from Amazon for the reasonable price of $229 with a $20 dollar rebate, and free shipping! I was afraid there for a moment, that I was going to buy my wife an appliance for Christmas, egads. Luckily, when I called her and sent her a link to a good price I found for an item she has never coveted, she was able to point out the color that she didn’t want the most. Dodged a bullet there I think. I guess I have all of you to thank for that.
I actually do need one because hand mixing or using one of those electric beaters is hard on my wrists these days.
However, I do not need the type of things I could end up making with such a wonderful tool.
Well, if that’s the case, then you probably also don’t need a husband who knows how to do fancy-schmancy cabinet work, who can build a fold-out, self-lifting-and-locks-into-place platform that has the KA bolted to it, so you can pull it out, lock it in place and use it to your heart’s content at the front of the counter, then clean it and fold it back in place again, either…
…yes, I’m the husband in question…
I’ve got my Mom’s old Sunbeam mixer. I haven’t used it much recently, but I do love the ability to scrape the side without stopping everything.
I wonder if they still make accessories for it?
I certainly don’t need a KA mixer. Because I have a Wolfgang Puck stand mixer and a Bosch Universal.
StG
Then for sure you don’t want to look at Amazon.
I didn’t look at Amazon, no sir. And the one I didn’t order hasn’t been shipped via UPS so I won’t be able to give you all an analysis very soon.
Now, I’m definitely not looking at attachments. Certainly not the grinder and sausage-stuffer.
<serious> Skip the pasta attachment. It will break and make you sad. </serious>
I suppose this like how I desperately don’t need a Kindle.
Re: pasta attachment
Yeah, I’ve already disregarded that. I figure a hand-cranked pasta maker is easier, strangely: you can control the rate of noodle deployment and stop instantly should something need correcting. But a grinder…
Okay, since I definitely don’t have a KitchenAid stand mixer on order, and it will not be arriving in the next 2 weeks, what things can I not make with it?
So far I don’t have the grinder attachment, so I can’t not make sausages.
But I definitely know I can’t make bread, pizza dough, cookie batter, crepes, pumpkin pie, pie crusts, biscuits and muffins.
Any other non-grinder suggestions? Cinnamon rolls, for instance? Icing? Whipped cream? Souffle?
Helping my mom make cookies with a electric hand mixer while I was growing up bulked up my wrist muscles.
Nowadays Mom’s got a Kitchen-Aid stand mixer and she sang its praises frequently over the Thanksgiving holiday.
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese cake.