Damn. I’d love them to run away and show up on my doorstep. I’d point to my 6 bookshelves filled with scifi, humor, literature, culture, science, philosophy, multiple religious texts and say “My only condition of staying here is that I want you in that nice comfy papasan chair right here at least one hour a day reading one of these books.” 
I haven’t spoken to or laid eyes on my sister in about 20 years. She stole from her children, abandoned them when she left her husband, and is a blithering idiot otherwise. But hey, she found Jesus! Apparently he’s in a trailer park in Arkansas.
I’d stay in the picture somewhat until your nephews are 18. Try to spend time with them without the parents. Then, yeah there is no benefit to staying in touch with that toxic person.
I finally had to walk away from my brother, even though I knew he was dying. I’m still in contact with his daughter, who understood completely. After years of taking his shit, I finally just had enough. I felt bad when he died, but I pretty much just shrugged.
Yep, I do. I made that decision Christmas 1975. He died July 2, 1977, for the exact reasons that I wrote him off for.
this whole thread makes me sad…I have two brothers and neither is as bad as the OP describes. maybe I should appreciate that more rather than looking at their less stellar behavior.
Me too. My brother is extremely successful. Every so often he’ll go out of his way to point that out. It doesn’t bother me, but my gf has mentioned it.
The last time he flaunted his success I replied, “yeah, but I’m happy”. He was quiet for a moment, then he teared up a bit. Made me feel like a bully.
All one can do is try. I overlooked his racism and radical politics and gun nuttery because he was an important figure in my life when I was young; more of a surrogate father than a brother. And we were still on good terms as recently as ten years ago. But then the personal attacks started, particularly when we were around people who were his friends, but who I didn’t know. Then it went to just being critical and assholish all the time. Perhaps it was his increasingly poor health (self-inflicted) that made him do that, but it finally reached a head when I was home to see my sister before she died. He couldn’t be bothered to come to the hospital, and instead insulted me on the phone. Given my state of raw emotions with my sister’s death, it was the last fucking straw. I know from his daughter that he sort of felt badly about it, but he couldn’t be bothered to pick up the phone to make it right. Sad and angry, that’s me.
Yeah, me too. But there’s just nothing about him that I like. When I was visiting he started going on about the parents of the various black men shot by police, saying how stupid they are for saying good things about their dead sons and really they’re all just a bunch of thugs and criminals who deserved to be shot.
Our bond only comes from surviving some pretty horrible things together - that’s it. That’s all we have in common. Since we both moved out as teenagers (25 years ago) he’s never once come to visit me. Not even one time in 25 years. It’s only ever been me, flying to Arizona, driving to Oregon, driving to here and there and where ever they’re living now. It’s not even a two-way street, it’s just me going to see them and walking on eggshells trying to not say anything.
If I’m honest, I just really can’t stand him. But because of the boys, I will do what has been suggested in this thread and go for a short visit annually so I can keep in touch with them. I want them to know that I’m here for them and that I love them.
At some point, on one of these visits, it might be useful to say out loud that you are only visiting for their sakes. In private where you make sure they have your contact information, and again in front of their father as you are leaving.
I didn’t mean to criticize you - my brothers are just passively not very good, not actively horrible like you describe.
do your best and don’t be so hard on yourself!
Well here’s an update.
The oldest nephew turned 19 a few weeks ago. He’s here now, at our house, meeting my dad for the first time. It was pretty anxiety inducing but it’s fine now. I’ve seen him twice since turning 19 and I’ve told him that his thoughts and beliefs are his own now. He’s slowly learning that he’s an adult and can see and do what he wants.
It’s nice.
I’m glad FloatyGimpy. I was about to echo the zombie chorus about this thread making me sad because it reminded me of MY relationship with my brother. Not for the same reasons, we get along pretty well. We just never see each other and we live 30 minutes apart. Different lives, friends, schedules, lifestyles, etc. He’s a chef at the most prestigious country club in our city (Cincinnati area), my SIL is the corporate pastry chef for Michael Symon in Cleveland. They have no kids and have lived apart for several years now, even though their marriage is happy and they make trips between the two cities to see each other often.
I go to work and come home to my apartment with two teenaged boys as a single parent.
Anyway, I am very happy that you have connected with your nephew and that it looks like he’s starting to get it. Nice!!
So happy to hear that he’s out of that toxic environment. People can have faith without abusing it in the way that it sounds like your biological male sibling does. Find a way to let your SIL know that the door is open for her too, because you just know she’s also being abused in some way, even if the bruises are not visible.
That IS good news! How’s his younger brother doing?
While biblical discussions can be fruitful and would serve the purpose of having them question things, this one is a nonstarter and you would be disingenuous knowingly pursuing this since the bible states animal ‘kinds’ which is not equal to species. These ‘kinds’ were all what was needed to recreate the species today through something like island evolution. Meaning they needed a pair or so of a house cat to recreate all the cats such as lions.
Awesome. Hope you can be there for him as he finds his own path.
But none of these handwaving rationalizations about creationist claims are any more valid as actual scientific theories than the naive assumption that every single one of the animal species known today had separate representatives living and pooping on Noah’s Ark.
Yes, if someone’s trying to sort out the logical flaws in biblical literalism, it’s useful to include the various handwaving rationalizations in the discussion as well, in order to illustrate the importance of things like testability and falsifiability. And of course if someone wants to believe in a universal flood as a miraculous supernatural event rather than a matter of scientific fact they’re perfectly free to do so, whether their preferred version of that miraculous supernatural event involved the preservation of all the known Felidae or just a couple of house cats.
But the notion that all modern species were reconstituted by biological evolutionary processes from a few ill-defined animal “kinds” within the period of modern humans’ existence is just as much bullshit, scientifically speaking, as the notion that Noah managed to fit breeding pairs of all modern (sexually reproducing) species into the same really big boat. The fact that your handwaving rationalization seems to dodge the poop problem while invoking some scientifically respectable-sounding terms like “species” and “island evolution” does not make it in any way a scientifically defensible theory.
Sorry for the hijack, FloatyGimpy, and good luck to you and your nephews!
that’s very good news.
luckily, decent people can be raised by not very good parents and you two can form a wonderful relationship, no need to interact with your brother.
I’m in the same boat. My brother and his wife are cruel people who I don’t want in my life, but I love their kids. However they know I love the kids and use that as a weapon to hurt and control me.
When the kids grow up, is reconnection possible? I’m glad OP updated and said he is connected to his nephews. I worry the kids will believe the brainwashing and alienation tactics their parents are using.
I’ve never been anything but kind and supportive to those kids. I hope they remember that when they are older.