I don't think I'm capable of loving a pet again

In My Humble Opinion
1

On 11/30/2012, I had to make the most painful and difficult decision of my life. In less than three days, my baby girl (13-year old kitty, Anna) had went from being in perfect health to sitting in my vets office sobbing my guts out because she had a fatal disease and I couldn’t risk her suffering another moment, so I had to say goodbye. We had 10.5 wonderful years together and from the moment I her photo on a billboard flyer trying to find her a good home, I knew that she was meant to be mine! How she ended up with the person who posted the flyer and how I ended up at the place where I saw the flyer could not possibly be just by chance. I’m not religious, but something greater than us meant for Anna to be mine…

It has now been just over seven months since I let her go, I’ve had good days and weeks and some that weren’t so good. I’ve also had several days at random intervals that were almost unbearable and the pain and sadness are just as intense as they were the day she died. Because I lost her so unexpectedly and suddenly, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the pain and feeling of loss. Time isn’t healing this wound a bit. The only thing that’s changing is that I become more and more angry as time goes by! If there is a God, he’s a sadistic bastard for taking her from me, otherwise I hate Mother Nature, The Universe and any other entity to which we attribute the power over life and death. Fuck all of them!!!

My good friend and a vet tech at my vet’s office called yesterday and told me about a kitten her mother had rescued. She sent me photos and told me that she was about six weeks old, almost starving when she was found and there was no sign of any littermates or her mother, so she had probably been on her own for at least 4-5 days. Despite that, she is very loving, friendly and very sociable. She loves other cats and even dogs. She took to using a litterbox in a single day and she is obviously very intelligent.

I inherited custody of my grandmother’s cat, who is now 15. He is a gentle giant, meek as a lamb but he hates noisy things (especially children). He’s a sweetheart, but dumb as a fence post. In any case, I love him.

I decided to take the kitten (tentatively named Izzy) on a ‘trial’ basis to make sure that there’s no problem between her and Morris (old cat), and that she and I hit it off well and I feel like it will be a good long term fit. I picked her up last night and she has been awesome, quietly curled up near me when I’m in the bed or sitting in my comfy chair on the laptop. I talk to her, pet her, play with toys and do all the things important for bonding with a small kitten.

But I don’t have a drop of affection for this kitten. I certainly don’t have any negative feelings about her, but the part of me that has always felt such love and affection instantly for every cat I’ve ever had just feels numb??? I spent all night last night doing a Jekyll/Hyde between anger and sorrow. Sorrow that I didn’t get Anna until she was 18-24months old and I wondered what she was like when she was a tiny little kitten? And anger because I’m pissed off that my cat had to fucking die! There is less than a 1 in 5000 chance of a cat her age and with her good health dying from the disease that she had, and that 1 in fucking 5000 just had to be her???!?!?

I feel guilty that I don’t feel anything beyond basic goodwill and general concern for this kitten’s well being. But I feel those same things toward all cats and dogs in the world. I know that I will never love another cat as much as did Anna, she was once in a lifetime, but I’m not so sure that I can love another cat again…period…?

Input, tempered with compassion preferably, would be appreciated…

2

Well sounds like you have oneitis - but for a cat. I suppose the “cure” is the same it is for a human - time. I know you find it hard to believe now, but plenty of people have felt that way about a person - so why can’t you about a cat? Most of those people get over it eventually. I suspect you will too.

Sure it is possible you won’t, but give it time and keep playing with the kitten.

3

Rudyard Kipling famously said, “Brothers and sisters I bid you beware of giving your heart to a dog to tear.” He could have included cats (birds, ferrets, rats and mice, hamsters, horses…)

It’s a terrible truth: we tend to live longer than our animal companions.

My sister is now going through the end-of-life phase of her dog. Lovely critter, but 19, and in dog years, that’s old. The poor little dear can’t stand up; her hind legs just don’t do the job any more. So, we’re all spoiling her terribly, making all we can of her, knowing that the end is nigh. It’s extremely bittersweet…

My advice is: give yourself some time, and try to remember the good as well as the bad. Put it all in perspective. If you enter into the contract – food and care and love in return for love and love and love – and sorrow – you do so knowingly. Vow to do it wisely and well.

And…if you decide that the pain is too great, then relax, opt out, and find other ways to make your life fulfilling. Some people are simply too sensitive, too gentle, too painfully sympathetic to be good pet owners. It isn’t a character flaw: some of us would call it a kind of strength.

Sympathies, to be sure. It sounds utterly devastating to you.

4

I love cats and dogs both very much, but the reason I choose to have cats is because, on average, they live longer than dogs. I have a particular weakness for German Shepherds and Golden Retrievers, both of which have a lifespan of just 10 to 12 years. A stray German Shepherd appeared in our front yard one day when I was 10 years old. It was obvious that he had been severely abused and my parents were worried that he might have suffered so much abuse that me or my 13-year old sister might unintentionally startle or scare him and he could hurt us.

Instead, he was my constant shadow and protector. One day a stranger stopped to ask for directions and Wolf (my dog) let me know with a low growl that he didn’t like the guy. He got out of his car and walked toward me a few minutes later, which is when Wolf put on ‘Cujo’ hat and send the guy on his way very quickly. A few months later, that man’s photo was on the front page of our local newspaper. He had been arrested for 11 counts of child molestation and over 100 counts of child pornography…and he targeted 10-12-year-old boys…If not for my Wolf, who knows what might have happened to me that day??? He died when I was 14 and I stayed home from school (in bed) for a week…and I never allowed myself to love a dog the way I did him, and my heart still aches just thinking about him and it’s been 24 years since he died…

5

I still think about Murph, a very special and talented Choc lab who passed over 20 years ago and I still think about my next pooch in honor of the first Murph named him Murph. If I have any more male dogs they will be named Murph. We waited 5 years before adding a pooch to our brood after the last Murph passed. It is painful when they pass…you may never forgot but the pain will succumb to the pressure of time…all the best…

6

A very similar thing happened to me almost exactly a year ago. In fact, my cat was fine (though we knew she was ill) the very day she later had to be put down. It was insane.

I still am not over it, but I’m warming up to the idea of someday getting another cat.
Unfortunately, I suppose it was something I was prepared for, because I realize everything I love is temporary. I guess I’m just a morbid person that way from suffering a lot of losses.

One thought that helped me cope was that I gave her a better life than most of cats who have ever existed on Earth. I am also thankful she was relatively healthy to the end (though she had cancer for months, it didn’t seem to be hurting her). She was fortunate enough to not to suffer the terrible decline in health that most of us do at the end of life. It sounds like your cat was much the same.

In any case, I do hope you warm up to the little baby kitty. Good luck.

7

Thanks for your kind words. My parents had the goofiest, most loving Golden Retriever named Jake. Even after five or six years living in their house, he still never mastered the ability to walk on newly polished hardwood floors! He weighed about 115-120lbs and as soon as he stepped onto the hardwood, all four paws went in different directions and down he went…what he lacked in smarts, he more than compensated with an endless supply of unconditional love.

They walked him on a leash three times a day, at least. And every single time he managed to wrap his leash around a small tree, usually multiple times. Then he would stare at you, raise one eyebrow in confusion and it was impossible to do anything but laugh at him, then go unwrap him from the tree since he never figured out how to do it himself.

He died very suddenly, without any warning, at the age of 8. I still hurt a little every time I think of him, he was one of a kind…and even though I miss him, more than anything I laugh out loud when I remember some of the crazy things he did!

I was very concerned about my mom after he died, I even talked to my step-dad about admitting her to a psychiatric center for depression because she was a zombie. It took a full year before she resumed any semblance of a normal life. Two years after Jake died, a friend called to tell me about his neighbors both being arrested for drug trafficking and their Golden Retriever was locked in the house alone and neither of them would be coming back for 5-10 years. My step-dad and I went to see if we could find an unlocked window or door and hoped that he would climb out of it if we did. I have a clean criminal history and I wasn’t looking to change that with Breaking & Entering. But my step-dad didn’t share my concerns- he took the lug wrench and jack out of my trunk and tossed them thru the huge picture window on the lowest level…there was now an opening and I jumped in hoping the dog would attack me, only to have him lick my face and slobber all over me…

He has spent every moment since then with my mom and/or step-dad. And he sleeps between them every night, usually trying to steal mom’s pillow all night. But mom and I recently had a conversation about how much we all love him (his name is Buddy) but we will never love any dog as much as we did Jake. And losing Jake so unexpectedly and wondering if he suffered or was scared or lonely as he died will always bother us.

My mom was very trepidatious about letting another dog into her life and her heart. She never said so, but I know her well enough to know that she felt guilty and like she was betraying Jake if she let herself love another dog. I told her that I wouldn’t’ want to know a person who stopped loving their dog just because he died! There was plenty of room in her heart to love and miss sweet Jake forever but to also give Buddy the love and attention he needed and deserved. As my vet said the first time mom took Buddy in, “They both hit the jackpot, Buddy and your parents!”

8

Something very similar to this was one of the first things that countless friends and family members said to me, trying to console me. I hope that I gave her the best life anyone possibly could have, because that was always my goal and desire.

I’m very cynical at times, especially when I’m sad or lonely. But I am grateful that for the 10.5 years that we shared. I certainly wouldn’t want to erase the memory of my life with her even if it meant erasing the pain! But after such a profound loss, the thought of opening yourself to love again seems like an invitation for more pain.

As I re-read the previous paragraph, especially the last senstence, it is obviuos that the years of therapy and anti-depressants haven’t done much good. I wonder if I can get a refund?

9

I think that sounds like a normal reaction. I haven’t ever had depression, but I felt the same way.

And in a sense, it is true. If you get attached that kitten, it will eventually die and rip your heart apart all over again.

I guess a year out though, that seems worth it to me for the years of joy a cat can bring. But it took me a long time to get to that point, and some people may never think it’s worth it . . .

[edit] Sorry if that is too honest. I felt like looking at the whole situation in such terms helped me out, but I realize it might not help everyone.

10

When I got my first cat, it took me months to warm up to her. I had never had a pet that didn’t need to be kept in a cage, so having this creature that would dart and dash through the house, chew up my things, shred rolls of paper towels to create snow scenes, destroy my mom’s favorite plants, try to escape every single time I opened the door, and who barfed all the time was a trying experience. I think it took me a good year to even like having her around, and there were twinges of regret at having adopted her.

Twenty-four years later, I had to have my friend drive her and me to an emergency vet; she had been mildly sick, but had suddenly taken a turn for the worse. I held her as they put her to sleep, then completely broke down sobbing. I was glad to have my friend driving, as there’s no way I’d have been able to drive. And for months after, I’d break down crying over missing her. Turns out after that rocky first year, I loved that first cat almost more than life itself. My constant companion from ages 8 to 32. I mourned her more than I did my divorce.

A year or so after she was put to sleep, a stray kitten in my neighborhood waltzed in my front door and made herself at home. And again, it took me a good year to warm up to her. I regretted taking her in at times. The usual destructive tendencies, plus she had a completely different personality than my first cat. Less cuddly, more vocal. Probably barfs more, too. But, I had to remind myself that this was how I had started out with my first cat.

We’ve since warmed up to each other. I know that I feel for this cat differently than I did my first; she’ll never be a lap cat, she’ll never be as calm and will always be skittish. I love her differently, but it’s still love… and I know that when the end comes, she’ll tear my heart out just as easily.

11

and-----you’ve been awesome.

She’s just being a cat. You’re giving her a loving home.
The world’s a better place with people like you.

So keep the love flowing, one purr at a time.

12

Firstly, thank you for taking in the lost and the vulnerable. Rescue is holy work.

“Love at first sight” is only one of the ways we discover who we love. You just picked up Izzy last night. So, the “first sight” thing didn’t happen this time; it’s possible some other path will lead to affection.

Both of our current dogs came to us as fosters, potentially temporary. Although Sadie immediately won over my wife, I was dubious for a little while myself, before coming around.

And when we later took in Simone, I remember looking at this little wild starving six-month-old pit bull puppy who stared uncomprehendingly at everything, never wagged her tail, wasn’t housetrained, and still expressed herself with her teeth like an infant, and thinking, “what’s wrong with this strange, funny-looking dog?” I came to the conclusion that she’d been neglected (I really think she was raised in isolation, she didn’t know basic dog communication like the tail-wag).

Working with her, day after day, to socialize her and teach her so that she’d be adoptable, was a chore. I lost 18 pounds just trying to tire her out enough to keep her attention. We went so far as to drop her off one weekend with a potential adopter to see if she’d fit in. His girlfriend was not happy with Simone’s high energy and wildness. When we came to pick up Simone, we should have been frustrated at the failure to place her, but I was unaccountably glad to get this troublesome little distraction back. On the way home, I found myself humming “Wild thing – you make my heart sing!”

Some time later, my wife, watching me teach Simone, proposed that we stop listing her for adoption. “Why?” I asked. “Because it looks like you want to keep her,” she replied. I had to admit it – “Does it show?”

I love both our dogs now, and we are a family and a pack. But Simone is definitely my little shadow and best bud. I take her to events like the Poplar Spring Run for the Animals, the K-9 5k Krawl, and a “save the local park from development” initiative, where she gets tons of attention. She’s become nurturing, and looks after other dogs if they stumble or complain on these hikes.

This was not love at first sight. We did not come to that place immediately. But we are totally there.

Given time, something like that might happen with you and Izzy.

13

I waited four years to get another dog. My last one had so many health problems and it tore me up to have him put down.

Time does make a difference. I missed having a dog to cuddle with and finally got another puppy. Best thing I did in a long time.

It can take time to bond with a new pet. Love doesn’t always happen on first sight.

You’ll get attached to the kitten. Just be patient.

14

It took two years after our cat had to be put down to even consider taking on another animal. But the neighbor’s cat found us, not the other way around, and has wormed her way into our affections. When they asked if we would take her when they move, we said yes. And while we still have wistful moments when we think of our departed best friend, we are giving our full attention to our new buddy. It takes longer than you might think to deal with the death of a pet. I still mourn for my Aussie, and that was 40 years ago. You probably jumped too soon on getting another pet, but it’s okay; you’ll come to love it, as well.

15

Yeah, opening yourself to loving pets, or people, means embracing the pain of eventual loss. I notice you keep choosing it, though, even though on some level you know the deal. I’ve been a serial dog-lover my whole life, and I plan to continue to have a dog in my life as long as I am physically able to care for one. What they add to my life is more than worth the pain of separation when they pass.

16

I wonder if you feel that loving another cat will somehow diminish the special bond and love you had for Anna. Try to think of taking care of this kitten and finding a place in your heart for her as well as being something that honours and respects how deeply you cared for Anna. Pay it forward to this tiny being. Love is infinite, be generous.