A guy my husband works with (he’s military) is married to this awful woman who I’ve met at a couple of parties. She’s a total downer, never has anything positive to say, always crabby, just generally unpleasant. I avoid her in social settings as much as possible. I do not want to be her friend–I’m picky about my friends, because I’m a bit anti-social to begin with and want my limited being-with-people energy to be spent in a way I enjoy.
Yesterday, the woman’s husband (who is a great guy, no one can figure out how they ended up together) asked my husband for my phone number so his wife can call me and we can have lunch. My husband couldn’t think of a good reason not to give it to him, so now I’m expecting a call from the awful one.
I really don’t want socialize with this person. But I also don’t want to offend her; we will be seeing each other again. Is there a tactful way to say “I’d rather not ever have lunch with you?” 'Cause I’m not all that great at tactful.
I’d be always busy. And, after that first call, make a note of her number so that when it comes up on your phone you don’t answer it.
Passive aggressive, yes, but you’re in a tough spot.
If you find you must make a date with her, make her part of a group thing, that way you can dilute her downerishness.
Another thought - I wonder if SHE actually asked for your number, or if her husband is trying to get her to call you to get her out and about more, and learn to be social? If that’s the case, she may never call you. She may be unpleasant because she hates being dragged to parties and functions, and she doesn’t want to be friends with you either.
I’d just suck it up and go to ONE lunch with her, to be friendly. After that, be too busy.
For the day of the lunch, set it up so that you have an appointment or something else important immediately following lunch, so you don’t have to linger.
Is it possible there’s something specific she wants to talk about, and it’s not just an general attempt at friendship? A professional connection you have in common, or she wants to start a club, or something? WAG.
I agree with EmAnJ, if it were me I would go to one lunch, because she is someone in my SO’s extended network. After that, I’ve found (as the person on the other end) that a polite way to communicate that you’re not looking to start a friendship is to accept the invite but set a date far out in the future. Like, pick a date 3 weeks away for a 1-hour lunch. Then you are offering what is requested, which is time for lunch, but not giving much more. (And obviously don’t pick something that far out, it still has to be reasonable)
Yeah, the way I blow people off is one lunch or other outing, and then “too busy.” That way she can’t really go whining to her husband that you are mean or excluding her, because hey, you had lunch with her once.
For the people I have to keep up appearances with on a long-term basis, I see them 1-2 times per year.
That’s my suggestion as well. You might find that she’s only a downer at parties or in large groups. I used to be (and still am a bit) like that. I’d get dragged to a party and I’d sit in the corner the whole time or a friend would invite me out with some other people and later on they’d ask my friend why I didn’t like them…it’s not that i don’t like them, but I’m shy and tend to clam up in a group of people I don’t know. It might turn out that in a one on one situation, after she’s had a chance to warm up to you she might be perfectly nice and cheery.
Meh. I wouldn’t go to lunch with her at all; why encourage her? If you felt really compelled to meet her, make it for coffee or a drink. That way if she’s not actually awful one-on-one, you can keep going, or you can bail after a socially-acceptable 1 or 2 coffees/drinks. “I’m so sorry; I have a dinner party to attend…kid to pick up…hair to wash…grass to watch grow…it was lovely talking to you!”
And then you can be “busy” indefinitely after that.
There are a few people whose invitations I ignore routinely; I’m always polite and appear to be happy to see them when I have to, but I’m always “unavailable” otherwise. Life’s too short to spend time with people you don’t care for unless you’re getting paid.
I personally would prefer to be told outright that you don’t want to hang out with me. Sure, it hurts, but it gets over with quicker.
I really, really hate it when people act like they are your friends, but really aren’t, and then later get mad at you for not noticing. People like me with social anxiety have to discount our instincts that people dislike us–or we’d never have any friends.
That said, a single date is fine: as you do not want to prejudge them. A single meeting is rarely enough to indicate whether someone would be a good friend, despite our instincts that want to judge people entirely on their first impression.
Besides, if you find someone to be a downer, what’s wrong with actually communicating that you prefer to be upbeat? That way you both feel like you have some control over the friendship, and that it isn’t personal if you choose not to hang out with them?
Meet her for lunch at someplace you know she’ll hate, and complain bitterly about. Be all up and loving everything, pooh pooh all her downer crap with a big ole’, “Oh go on now, it’s not so bad, I adore it!”
She’ll never want to have lunch with you again, I promise.
Unless it’s somehow expected for your husband’s career, I see no reason to go even once. Also I don’t think there is any polite way to tell someone to buzz off, lol. I would just make a polite excuse if she calls and don’t linger on the phone. Or if you know the number and it’s on caller ID, don’t even pick up. Things like this happen to me from time to time and they will usually try a few times and then move along. Unless I give them any encouragement, such as having a long conversation or accepting an invitation, then it just gets more complicated and harder to get rid of them. When you see her in public, be the same way, pleasant but rather distant.
Thanks for all the responses. I’m not inclined to just have one lunch–to me that seems like it will only encourage her. Also, I *really *don’t want to. It’s not just that she’s shy at parties: I’ve met her twice in non-social settings and she’s just as glum and morose away from others.
I’m going to go with “I’m really busy for the next few weeks, but once things settle down we can set something up…” and then I’ll have her phone number, and can studiously avoid her calls. Her husband works with mine, but isn’t his boss or anything, avoiding her won’t cause him problems.
I was hoping there was a magical, nice way to say “oh, no thanks, you’re awful” but I guess even the dope has it’s limits. Sigh. Thanks again.
God knows I hate socializing with people I don’t know and don’t want to know. Now that said :), the thing I find curious about this story is that this woman deliberately asked her husband to ask your husband for your number. It sounds like she either already likes you or thinks she will like you, which is a hopeful sign, I think. I can imagine someone being glum and morose because they feel isolated and depressed, and reaching out to someone they see as a potential friend would be a positive way of brightening their mood and becoming a livelier person. In those non-social situations that you saw her in, was she alone or with her husband (or someone else)? Maybe she’s unhappy in her marriage and shuts down around her husband?
This might not be the case at all, but I think it would be a good idea to have one short “date” with her, like over coffee as people have said, just to see what happens. If she is still unpleasant company, then by all means, find yourself busy from then on.
