But I am so angry at you right now. I’m SO pissed and I hate that I’m pissed. And if you die, I’m going to be even more angry with you.
You just had to do it, didn’t you? You just had to get that last pack of cigarettes. You thought your body could fucking take it, huh?
Well, surprise on all of us! It can’t! So you’ve been laying unconscious in the hospital for a week with your lungs and heart failing, and the rest of us don’t have any fucking clue what’s going to happen. It’s HARD waiting. I haven’t said a word about what’s going on to anyone, not even my husband, because I’ve been convinced that you’ll pull through this one and go back to normal like you always do.
Ha.
You didn’t learn from Grandma three years ago, did you? It wasn’t enough for you. That couldn’t happen to you. Well, bully for you. Because you’re putting the rest of us through the exact same thing.
I don’t want to take off work for a funeral. I don’t want to take off work to come say goodbye to you. You know why I wanted to take off work to come out there? You should. I wanted to come see you and see your new great-grandchild when he or she arrives in a few months. Your grandson is so excited about this baby, and you should be around a few more years to watch him or her grow up.
And now you won’t be.
And who gets to deal with the aftermath you leave behind? Me. My dad. My brother. Your kids. My mom, especially. You’re her sister, the biggest part of your mother that she still has left. You’re the only sister she really has left, the only one she talks to.
I’m going to stop now, because I’m at work and don’t want to start crying like the tears keep threatening. But now it’s not a matter of if you’ll die, it’s a matter of when. And while I love you, I’m angry right now. I need that anger to be there for my mom. So let me have it, will you?
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I know exactly what you’re feeling. I lost my grandma due to lung cancer from smoking, as well as several other family members. I’m trying to get my husband to stop smoking so the same won’t happen to him. Sending {{{{HUGS}}}}, prayers and strength your way. Hang in there.
Thanks:). I don’t want to be angry with her, and I don’t want to be angry about the cigarettes - I know smoking is a hard habit to break, and I’ve watched my dad try many, many times.
But she had quit. She was doing well. And she made the choice to pick up that last pack. So I feel like she made the choice to die. She knew what could happen.
Ugh. I wanted to go home to see the new baby. I don’t want to go home for a funeral. I need to be there for my mom because this is going to break her.
I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like. My father died at Christmas last year (his funeral was on Christmas-fucking-Eve!) at age 64 from smoking since he was 13. He had tried many times to quit, but was never successful. Seven years ago he developed vascular disease and renal failure, but was doing fine. Then, for the last year, we watched him slowly die. You’re never prepared for it even if you know it’s coming.
I’m glad you’re taking care of your mom through this. That’s what I did, too, but don’t forget your own mourning. I’m still mourning today because I was the strong one when it all happened. My thoughts are with you.
I know, honey. I have that same helpless, impotent sort of anger mixed with grief about my dad. It just makes you want to shake them like a rag doll while shrieking, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DUMBASS? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF, AND TO US?”
Dad had a massive heart attack 8 years ago and had quadruple bypass surgery. He had a very large area of dead tissue and they told us his heart might just crumble like cottage cheese when they touched it. By all rights he should have come out of that OR with a sheet over his head and a tag on his toe. He didn’t smoke for a couple of years after that. Then he started up again. A year and a half ago, he had a stroke, and swore he was going to quit. Six months later on a visit home I walked out the door and caught him standing in the driveway with his arm behind his back and a big plume of smoke apparently coming out the top of his head.
Between the smoking and the horrendous family history of heart disease, it’s just a matter of time till he has another heart attack. I figure it’ll probably be before my baby niece starts school. And this time his heart will crumble like cottage cheese, and he’ll come out of the hospital in a body bag. Like you said, it’s not if he’ll die, it’s when.
And like you said, we’ve been down this road before with other family members. He watched his uncle keep smoking after his bypass and live a whole whopping eight years post-op. He didn’t get to see any of his grandkids graduate from high school (the oldest was a junior when he died), go to college (the first college students in that branch of the family), get married, or have kids. Those are all things Daddy wants to see with Sammy, and he’s not going to see any of it, because he can’t leave the goddamn cancer sticks alone. He also just watched his brother in law die a truly horrible death from lung cancer, and it still doesn’t seem to have phased him at all.
I’d scream and cuss and throw a hissy fit if I thought it would do a damn bit of good, but I know that it won’t. He’s going to do whatever he damn well wants, come hell or high water.
It’s very telling, isn’t it? Cigarette addiction is hard to kick. I know from experience that it’s harder to quit cigarettes than drugs. But after my father died, I wrote him a letter to put in his casket telling him that I would quit smoking. I quit on 1/1/05 and never looked back. My mother begged my husband and I to quit. My brother and his wife quit, too. So at least we were scared enough to stop, but I can’t imagine how it is for anyone who’s smoked for 50 years.
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is hard to quit, isn’t it? I don’t want to ban smoking, or sue all of the tobacco companies, but they’re still pretty sleazy, in my view. (I used to weight on a customer who would come in, buy cartons of Marlboros…and who had lost his voice to throat cancer. And still he smoked. Damn.)
{{{{Elza B.}}}}
It is a very tough place you are in. A tough, hard sad place. I have been there. I watched my dad continue to smoke year after year, as his lungs got worse and worse and his breathing became more and more labored, and the phone calls in the middle of the night and the 3 hour drives when Mom said “You better get here, this is it.”
I wish there was something I could say that makes it easier for you, but there isn’t. I’ll just say that you are in my thoughts. Sending supporting thoughts your way.
Thanks so much for the responses - nice to know I’m not the only who feels this way.
CrazyCatLady, you hit the nail right on the head. Hissy fits won’t help because you know they’re going to turn around and do what they want anyway. I was at a point where I was blaming my other aunt (the crazy one - my own mom doesn’t speak to her, and she was not invited to any of the three weddings we’ve had in the past year) because she drove my sick aunt to the store to get cigarettes. But fuck that - she made the choice, she knew it. SHE bought the cigarettes herself.
I’m so sorry about your dad. Sounds like he and my aunt are fairly similar.
What scares me the most is that my dad has smoked since he was fourteen. He’s now 54. I want my kids to KNOW their grandfather, and being completely self-centered, I want him to be around when I am 50, dammit! So why can’t he see what’s happening to my aunt and realize he needs to quit? And fuck this doing it for himself shit - if he can’t do it for himself, I want him to do it for ME and my brother and our kids. I don’t care how selfish that sounds.
You know what’s funny? I’m the first one to give those Truth commercials the finger. But I feel so fucking helpless right now that I’d even show those to my dad on a loop if I thought it would make a difference.
My aunt is awake and off the respirator - my mom called last night. But the doctors say this is it. Anything else happens, that’s it. Her lungs can’t take anymore. Doesn’t have to be cigarettes, doesn’t have to be smoke - it can be a speck of dust, and she’s had it. Nice. We’ve pretty much been told that she won’t be around for the baby’s birth in September. I feel awful for my cousin - it’s his first child, and I know he wants his grandmother there to see it. It’s not going to happen.
This seems to be a running theme in my family. My Gradad refused to see a doctor when he was ill until it was too late. My other Grandad died from lung cancer, and was a smoker. My third Grandad (my mum’s step-dad) drank himself to death.
My third Grandad was the only one I was close to, and I’m still angry at him for what he did. Selfish bastard. His first great Grandchild was born last month too. He’ll never get to see him.