So the Periodic Table came alive and narrated to me, in tinny monologue, all that is wrong with human organization of elements. Many elements have been mischaracterized. Relationships have been misjudged, elementary common sense ignored. The PT asks that we non-scientists display an iron will in taking this matter to the attention of the mercurial science community, so justice may at last be served.
Hydrogen considers himself superior. He looks down upon everybody, especially his neighbor Lithium, for being manufactured in such poor quantities in the BB.
Helium is actually female, and would like to be called Shelium.
Boron would like to inform you that he is quite lively, and definitely not a bore under standard conditions.
Carbon’s neighbors would like to evict him from his place at 6, Periodic Table Dr. Apparently he soots up their windows, and is considered promiscuous, pairing up with almost anybody and creating complex organic goo that creeps up their windows.
Nitrogen vehemently rejected her ‘inert gas’ classification, pointing out that she is the primary component of many explosives. She thinks it’s because she plays no role in human metabolism?
Fluorine is a dashing, highly active guy (you know what I mean) but somehow can’t get the cute girl next door, Neon, she of the glowing red hair, to sleep with him. He thinks he needs an additional electron or two.
There is a near-unanimous demand for sulfur and chlorine to be relocated far far away due to the smell.
Arsenic was furious with the jerk who named her thus, and swore that she would sow poison in human lives as long as she lives.
Gold was kind, gentle and calm. She requests that humans quit chasing her. She is just another element. In fact she has anomalies with some of her electrons. She wonders why people don’t value the suave, polished Chromium more.
Lead came across as dumb and inert. Definitely not made to lead anything, and he doesn’t know or care.
Polonium would like to be left out of international political assassinations, please.
Mercury would like to know how his name came to be associated with unpredictable changeability. He feels this is humans imposing their character upon him. He claimed to be slightly radioactive and a good candidate for nuclear fission. He is proud of his spot in the PT, which shows how stable he is, and not radioactive or anything.
Plutonium spoke in a deep baritone. He lives in a harsh, violent neighborhood. He claims to have friends far heavier than him, far more fissile and dangerous. He is considered a liar, dangerous and of explosive temperament by those around him, none of them paragons of virtue themselves. He is amused humans play with him as often as they do. One little mistake, he warns, and…
Beyond this, the dream faded; my memory is not exactly diamond-quality anymore.
Undoubtedly the PT has spoken to others; if you are one of those, please deposit your secret knowledge here. Together we shall do justice to the elements.
In less-than-pristine condition. :()