I feel terrible

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Count me in among the people we were horrible, angst-ridden, selfish teenagers.

I was terribly selfish. I would argue constantly with my Mom, and judge her harshly on the tiniest thing. Looking back on it now, I’m very, very ashamed at how I behaved.

My brother is almost 7 years older than me, and one day he just matter-of-factly stated that I treated my Mom badly. He basically said that she was always doing things for me, and I didn’t treat her with the respect and gratitude I ought to.

I won’t say I did a complete about-face then and there, but my behaviour started changing after that, bit by bit.

Your daughter’s a teenager, and she’s selfish and thoughtless as most teenagers are. And it’s a good thing that she gets along with her father so well, because he can be the one to sit her down and tell her what’s what. Not yelling and screaming. Just get him to sit down with her one night and say “You know, your mom does an awful lot for you. She loves you so much it hurts. And you pretty much bully her all the time, and treat her terribly. Can you try to be kind? Because you’re breaking her heart…and you’re breaking mine. Because I don’t like seeing you being cruel to someone who loves you so much.”

It won’t create a miracle, but seeing her Dad so disappointed in her will definitely make her think a bit more about her behaviour. I know it worked for me.

22

I have heard a couple things that may be useful:

  1. Situations like this are a part of a transition process where your daughter pulls away from you so she can become her own person as an adult. It will change and she will be back.

  2. Grandkids are your reward for not having killed your children.

I hope one or both of these are helpful to you.

23

Teenagers are constantly struggling to find their own identity, and sadly, their same-sex parent, from whom most of their cues to identity came prior to this stage, becomes the one they are trying to “distance” themselves from. By that token, pretty much everything you’ve ever done is (in her eyes) wrong, and she is being tactless and cruel in expressing it.

I can’t tell you not to be hurt, but I can tell you to put it in the proper perspective: IT’S NOT PERSONAL. She’d say the same about any same-sex parent. (That sounds weird, but hopefully you know what I mean.) It is hurtful, but it’s also natural, and it passes.

24

As a guy who raised three simultaneously teen daughters to adulthood without (much) mayhem, I’d like to add that punishing her for her irresponsible actions is a really good idea. However, you really need to separate that punishment from your hurt feelings. Punishing her for her emotions will be destructive in the long run, as you are invalidating her even more at a time she is seeking some separation. It will only convince her in her own mind that she was right.

25

As someone who is not very far removed from being a spoiled brat of a teenage daughter, I would echo a suggestion from up above. Distance yourself from her, but tell her first. Tell her that you need some space for yourself, some breathing room from her. Don’t try to get any affection from her, just be honest. She hurt your feelings, and you need some time apart for a while.

If she is that upset about something (which, again, may have nothing or very little to do with you), I don’t think you’re going to find a quick fix.

26

I’m not a mother but I am a daughter and I remember being 17 and going through that kind of thing. When I was 17 all I could think about was getting away–away from high school, away from my parents. Now that I’m in my twenties I actually have a much better relationship with my mother. So I would guess based on my experience that these hard feelings will pass. If I were you, rather than rushing to a counselor or doing something drastic, I’d wait a bit and see if things get better.

27

There are some really well-thought out replies here and I’m just trying to sort out my feelings at this point. So here goes.

I will give her some space, and also distance myself. Not in a mean I-hate-you way, but in a we-need-some-space way.

She is still a kid, and I understand that those thoughts were private and not meant to be read by me. As fate would have it, they were, and she will hopefully discover that there are repercussions when you are hurtful to other people. It’s one thing to be spiteful in a diary. It’s another to do it on MySpace, with others reading about what a beyotch I apparently am. She has a right to her feelings, but not when it is said in a spiteful way in a public forum. That’s wrong no matter how you look at it.

I’m glad to have my husbands’ support in this case. I am his wife and deserve respect from our children. There have been times when I’ve been disrespected by our daughter in the past and he hasn’t been helpful. I’ve often felt like the left-out person in the room. I love them both and am happy they’re so close, but the disrespect needs to stop right now. I just won’t tolerate it anymore. Hubby and I need to talk more about this when we have time to ourselves. One thing my dad was adamant about when we were growing up is that we were NEVER to disrespect his wife. I was pretty rude to mom at times but never crossed that line the way my daughter has.

I won’t take this out on my husband at all. He is crazy about that kid, and I am too. I just think he needs to stand up for me more in the future and I need to do the same. We’ve been letting things slide and that was wrong.

The computer issue is a whole 'nother thing. If she doesn’t get it back until she leaves home, fine by me. That may seem harsh, and I know a lot of you disagree with me. I don’t see it as punishing her for her feelings. It’s more for doing a childish, spiteful thing in a forum where people know me personally. I can ignore some behavior, but that is going too far.

28

From about the ages of 13-17, I acted a lot like your daughter towards my mom (I am male). I was never that public about it, but most of my friends and my mom’s friends knew, I’m sure. I regret that behavior now more than anything else I’ve done in my life. I don’t really know the cause. I was a pretty well-adjusted, intelligent youth too, but the teenage years are messy and confusing for anyone.

It did pass, though. I slowly began to respect my mother and now we have a fantastic relationship. I just got back from spending a week in Maine with her, and we had a great time. I am 20 years old now.

So don’t feel too bad about it. Even though your daughter didn’t seem to care about you seeing her myspace, on some level she probably feels bad. I always felt bad for the way I treated my mother but could never do anything to stop it. She will change.

29

In a way this reminds me of the high school girls who were sentenced to probation for underage drinking. They went to college and posted pictures of themselves drinking (and wrote nasty stuff about the judge) on the Internet. Guess who found it?

If this is what it takes for your daughter to learn that the Internet is not private, it is a fairly cheap lesson, and I really hope she learned something from it.

And I really disagree (politely and with love :wink: ) with those who equate reading a MySpace page to reading a diary. If it can be found on the Internet, there is no way it can be considered private. My friends have had serious talks with teen and pre-teen age children about what is and is not permissible to post on MySpace. If my friends in their 40’s have MySpace pages it is totally unreasonable for a kid to think what they post there is private. I don’t consider what I post here to be private, and it’s not under my real name!

That trite old saying does have its points: Time heals all wounds. Not overnight, and not always, but there is a grain of truth in it. I know you love your daughter and I hope this becomes something you can look back on and say “remember when…”

30

I’m with the “posting on MySpace != to reading her diary” crowd. Like it or not, the Internet is a public forum. If I had been grossly disrespectful to my mother in a public forum when I was a teenager (actually, I believe I was), I would have earned me some punishments. If I’d used a privilege granted to me by my parents to do so (and a computer is definitely a privilege), being barred from its use would have been the least of my consequences.

This is setting aside the fact that staying out all night without leaving contact information while living with one’s parents is at the absolute best completely inconsiderate and selfish. She’s 17, rather than 13, so it’s not as bad as it could be, but it’s definitely wrong of her.

I’ll point out that I was a selfish, inconsiderate bitch to my mother when I was that age as well. We’re the best of friends now - mostly because I managed to grow the hell up. I think back on my behavior and cringe :eek:

Maybe you can take comfort in the thought that it’s a rare mother and daughter who don’t have a time like this in their relationship, purple haze. If she’s a good kid aside from her treatment of you, then you probably don’t have major issues at least. All I can advise (based on what worked for my mother) is to try not to let her see she’s hurting you and to treat her with absolutely formal courtesy - and to maintain your role as her mother.

31

This thread really makes me want to have kids :wink:

The myspace thing isn’t about privacy or punishing the girl for her feelings. What Purple Haze’s daughter did was basically slander. It would be extremely inappropriate to write horrible things about anyone who isn’t a public figure on a website. I would have grounded her for writing something like that about one of her friend as well. It’s rude and socially unacceptable; the fact that the subject was her mother only makes it doubly so.

I agree that just distancing yourself for a while would be best. Don’t do her any favors, treat her civilly but let her get her bitchiness out of her system. But blatant disrespect should not be tolerated, nor should just leaving the house and not coming back. My parents would have murdered me, and I didn’t hate them for it. It will get better. Best of luck to you.

32

At the same time saying "I’m your mother. I’m here for you when you want. You cannot ever hurt me badly enough that I won’t be your mom. But it seems like space right now will be best for both of us.

Also, at seventeen she is “almost an adult.” I’m 40 (almost) but I remember that being huge - a few months and I was an adult. So let your husband be the parent and start working on what will be your adult relationship with your daughter when your mutual time out ends. I don’t know what that will look like. Mine wasn’t much until my kids were born.

33

I’d say this is a completely legitimate reason to go into her MySpace account, and I would tell her this, too. “You didn’t come home. I didn’t know where you were, and I was worried. Next time, call us and let us know where you are and you won’t be punished.”

That would be an almost unforgiveable action in my house.
Note that the mother didn’t just randonly go into the MySpace, she went for a perfectly good reason and I don’t think it’s snooping in that case. Daughter needs to learn there are consequences to her actions. If she had only come home or called, mom wouldn’t be on the account, would she?

34

Oh, I agree with that. Posting something on a public internet site is totally different than writing it in a diary which you don’t show to anyone, or for that matter totally different than just bitching about your parents with your friends.

I think that a talk with her about the non-private nature of the internet and about who might read stuff she posts would be a very good idea. She should also know that there’s a very good chance that, if she posts something on the internet, it will never really go away, and could come back to haunt her in the future. Too many teenagers don’t seem to understand that.

35

To add a like humor in a nonhumorous thread:

Remember to be nice to your children, they are the ones that pick your nursing home.

36

purple haze I agree completely about the respect issue. You and your husband need to present a unified front to your daughter. If she thinks she can play you off each other she will.

And about My Space…I can’t begin to tell you the number of times I’ve started to say something here and then stopped myself because I realized that what I was about to reveal might be embarrassing or hurtful to someone I know. Since my web site is in my profile and my real name is on my web site I have to assume that anyone reading what I write on this message board could easily find out who I am and who my family is. In short, I know that my words here are public record.

Kids need to learn that if they want to keep secrets from their parents the way to do it isn’t a public forum like My Space. It’s not difficult to figure out but teenagers often don’t consider consequences when they do things.

37

Just keep telling yourself, “this too shall pass” because it will and one day you’ll have your sweet, kind, loving daughter back. I have an 18 year old that is out on her own now and a 13 year old. When I talk to the 18 year old about some of the things her younger sister has pulled (and she’s basically a good kid, just 13 and very passive-aggressive), my 18 year old gets so mad at her (how can she be like that? Was I that bad? I Was???) and then apologizes profusely! I think a lot of the dynamic also involves in what ways you are alike and different. Sometimes it’s harder when they have similar traits that you don’t particulalry like in yourself.

As for myspace, I’ve told both of the girls not to put anything up there that I couldn’t read (they were/are required for it to be “friends only”, not public) and explained just how much written words can come back and bite you in the butt. I told them I wouldn’t go looking unless I had a specific concern, but that they may at some point inadvertently leave their webpage up and then it would be fair game if I happened to feel like reading it. I don’t think I’ve read either one of them more than a passing glance other than to check over the 13 year olds pictures for appropriateness, but they (well, the younger one now) know that there’s always a chance I’ll take a look. I’ve given them the “if you act trustworthy and with respect, then that’s what you will get in return.”

38

Oh my Og. I can’t imagine (as someone who’ll never be a parent, but who, obviously, was a kid) how painful that all must be. You truly have my sympathy. Just another reason I’m glad I’ll never have children… sometimes the hurt and feelings of betrayal must feel unbearable. :frowning:

That said, I agree with others that you shouldn’t take this personally. This disrespect, yes, but the rest I believe is a symptom of her perceptions. In my humble opinion, you’ve always been the constant in her life. However, she’s changing now and unlike you who is remaining the same, she expects you to keep pace, not realizing that not only is that impossible, but unhealthy for her.

You see, she was okay with you being her protector and purveyor of all knowledge and wisdom. Because that’s what she needed. But now, as an almost-adult, she in turn wants you to move along like she is. Become her as-same-as-other-friends and co-conspirator. That’s what she thinks is called for now. Instead, your still just her plain old mom, the one who looks out for her real best interests (versus those that she hopes to be), is too involved and lays the smack down. By contrast, her father isn’t quite so familiar and probably a more remote factor/figure from her childhood, thus quite appealing now. Plus, I’m sure that comes across as a possibility for alliance against the above and a tether to her burgeoning grown-upness, as equals. And you can’t ever deny the coolness quotient inherent involved with the more distant (for lack of a better word) parent.

So, I concur that respect shown and rules followed, like being apprised of her whereabouts and having approval for her actions, are compulsory. As for as her vitriol, I’m sure (as attested by other Dopers) that’s normal. In my case, I never dared to defy my mother, even by the most mundane manners (like bitching about her in a diary), out of fear and abandonment issues. Therefore, instead of working out any problems at the appropriate junction in time, they linger well into my late 30s when our relationship is well past repair. My mom never showed the maturity you have, rather choosing to allow her insecurities to hold sway and then run amok. It would have been much better for us both to grow when there was a chance to correct small problems. Sadly, all that’s left currently is nothing… no hope, no common ground and not much love without horrible baggage. Fortunately, as the mom, you get to control and prevent the bad shit from happening and make the way for normalcy as she transitions into the woman you’ve raised her to be.

Absolute best wishespurple haze. You and all of yours will be in my thoughts. Good on you for doing the absolute best you can and loving your daughter despite her struggles and missteps. 'Cause lots don’t. Y’all are both some of the awesome ones. {{{HUGS}}}

39

purple haze
I feel your pain. Please hang in there, give her some distance and some time.

What is happening with you and your daughter happened with me and my firstborn son (now 23). It slowly but very surely began when he hit puberty (about 13) peaked at 16 and did not really run its course until he went off to college.
He and I had been very, very close; it just killed me when this “cooling off” took place. On top of that, he was a wild child and began getting into all sorts of trouble: by that I mean 2-a.m.-calls-from-the-police type hijinks.
We did the take away the computer thing. He got his revenge by changing the server account into his name and locking us out. :slight_smile:
Anyway, pretty much the minute he began college, all this faded away. He grew up, “came back” to me, and now is a mature, productive person.

Your daughter will come back to you.

40

My dad said all his kids turned subhuman around 13, 14 or 15 and didn’t turn human again until 23, 24 or 25.

I agree with telling her that you two need to spend some time apart (and doing it). That action might also suprise her since she takes your presence for granted.