My daughter let is slip that, when asked who her role model was, she told people ‘my dad’. My wife heard that and is very hurt, of course. As in, won’t-talk-to-us hurt.
What do you guys think are some steps I and/or my daughter can take to re-assure my wife and make her feel more loved and feel better?
(I told my daughter that, even if she did have one parent as her role model, she should not have said that in front of us)
Tell your wife to get some therapy and stopping looking to a little girl for her self-worth. Christ.
I hope you didn’t make your daughter feel she did something wrong, when she did nothing wrong whatsoever except answer a direct question honestly (that’ll learn her!). It’s your wife whose behavior is completely unacceptable.
Your wife is being ridiculous. If your daughter had said her mother is her role model, would your wife have felt you were disrespected? Based on her reaction (not talking to her child!), I doubt it.
Perhaps you should have a more in depth discussion with your daughter about why you are her role model. It probably has some very specific reasons (respects your career, likes the way you handle confrontation, good life work balance). It’s probably not as simple as “dad’s a better person, all around”, which seems to be how your wife has taken it.
Agreed, your wife is being ridiculous. I have two daughters and they adore their dad. I am thrilled they perceive him as a role model, because he’s a great one. I have plenty to offer as their parent, I know that, and don’t see his status as any threat to mine. Kids need lots of great role models.
I hope your daughter doesn’t model herself after this sort of absurd behavior. Watch carefully how this is presented to her and how it resolves, because there WILL be a takeaway and you want it to be the best one possible.
Agree with Hello Again. I would simply suggest to your wife that this whole “not talking to us” thing is probably an excellent example of the sort of immaturity and insecurity that got her knocked down the list a few pegs. She might want to just grow up a bit.
I kind of feel like feelings can’t be helped. It may be a sign of immaturity for your wife to be hurt by this, but you can’t scold or shame away a feeling. She can’t help feeling the way she does. If we could help feelings, we’d be a perfect species.
But she CAN help how she behaves. If a person is butthurt, they should go somewhere and deal with it privately, and then come back when they’re alright. She shouldn’t be burdening the daughter with her butthurt. You are her partner so you have some responsibility to help feel better (not that you are to blame or anything…it’s just that it’s the job of the spouse to smooth things over). But the daughter shouldn’t be involved in this. She’s under no obligation to cheer up her mother. Even though this is exactly what your wife probably wants, don’t buy into it. She needs to suck it up and deal and leave your daughter alone.
I agree with Monstro mostly, especially the bolded part. some of you are pretty unfeeling. If she put her heart and soul into raising her daughter, it would hurt like HELL to hear what she did. The daughter made a gigantic mistake letting her parents overhear it.
I suspect she needs some time to process it, by herself. Leave her alone until she comes around. The daughter should say NOTHING, and right now Polerius, there isn’t much you can say that wouldn’t sound like patronization or gloating.
I grew up with a mom who would stop speaking to us if she was mad about something (often a really petty thing) and that shit sucks. It’s a lousy thing to do to a kid, to make them so responsible for your feelings that you withdraw from them when you don’t get your way. While I agree that your wife shouldn’t be shamed for her feelings, I’d suggest that once this episode is resolved, you sit down and talk about more constructive ways to communicate hurt feelings or anger.
“Of course”? I’m just not getting why she would be very hurt by this, or why it would be wrong for your daughter to say in front of her. “I hate Mom,” or “Mom’s a bitch,” yeah, those would be hurtful and wrong to say. But “My Dad is my role model” is a sweet thing to say, and says absolutely nothing about Mom. I love my Mom dearly, but my Dad is my role model and always has been, and I can’t imagine Mom having any problems with that. Then again, for all of my Mom’s flaws, she at least has the ability to recognize her own shortcomings. Is there more to this story than we’ve heard? Because for now it sounds like she is both insecure (for feeling the way she does) and immature (for responding with the silent treatment). I’m curious – how would she have reacted if your daughter had said her role model was grandma, or Michelle Obama, or Hannah Montana?
My gut reaction was that stating one parent is a role model shouldn’t be controversial unless that parent is also a drug-dealing axe murderer. After thinking about it more, I can see how someone who is insecure about relationships in general could interpret this negatively. I can also see someone who built up a narrative in their head about how his or her child was just so much like them could be surprised to find out the kid had a different opinion.
I agree that giving the wife some time to deal with it is the only sensible option. The daughter didn’t do anything wrong, so if she’s feeling guilty about mom’s reaction it might be time for a talk about who is responsible for whose feelings.
Well, if she’s as old as the OPs wife, she’s old enough to know better. What’s that lady’s next trick if she can’t manipulate the feelings of the people around her? Hold her breath til she turns blue?
"Oh wee-wee-wee… I’m not the secret hopes and dreams of my kids…! Ima go cut them outta my life until they are! Huff! "
If this is any indication of how your wife regularly deals with disappointment or feelings of “neglect” from her children or spouse, then I can understand why the girl would choose Dad as her role model. At least the kid is smart enough to realize that shit isn’t a healthy way of dealing with your emotional needs and upsets.