Okay, assume Polerius’s wife is a very insecure person who resents that Polerius is smart and does so much around the house all while working hard too. Maybe she’s had some illnesses along the way too and he’s stepped up to the plate but she has not had to. Who knows? Maybe she is afraid that she has not been the best parent all the time. Guilty that she has worked and not been home or guilty that she has not had as much professional success because she did stay home as much as she did. For some women in today’s world either way they feel they must have done it wrong. Fine.
He loves her. He does not want to see her hurt. It is in his best interest to have her reassured for his own sake as well.
If this is an adult or young adult child who knows that Mom is a bit insecure (and that is part of why Dad is the role model of choice) then this is a child who should be considerate of Mom’s flaws (that she is obviously aware of) and know better than to say something like that. It’s manners. It’s love.
I don’t think there is anything that Polerius can say, or should … him “making things better” would only backfire in face of the mother’s sense of inferiority to him … another example of him being the better person/parent etc. … Let it blow over and encourage daughter to calmly talk it over with Mom in private having some consideration that Mom needs some reassurance that she IS a good mother, and that her efforts to be a good role model are not for naught … as imperfect as they may be.
OTOH if this is a teen or younger child Mom needs to suck it up and just be grateful she is not being told how much a total bitch she is and how she has ruined her daughter’s life forever. Dad’s role in that case to to reality check Mom on that. Dad’s often get idealized by their teen girls for no particular cause and Mom’s just as demonized.
My little guy clearly and quite overtly prefers me, although his dad is an excellent parent who pours his heart and soul into caring for our son. Objectively speaking, he actually does far more than I do. My career is more demanding and I’m often working 10-12 hour days. I know that my husband feels a little hurt by this. My heart goes out to your wife, and I bet if given a little space she will sort things out on her own. I know that one day my son’s affection will swing the other way and I hope that I handle it with the grace that my husband does.
I disagree with the harsh responses that you are being given. If this behavior is otherwise unlike your wife (and I bet it is, given the compassion you are exuding), show her a little extra kindness as she sorts things out.
It’s understandable for someone to be hurt in this situation. But what a grown-up does is make it clear to her husband that she’s feeling hurt and doesn’t want to talk right now, but will come around when she’s had a little time.
And to the daughter it should not be apparent at all that she feels hurt, or if she does it could be an opportunity to talk to her daughter about the things she admires about her dad. You know, so that she can learn more about her daughter.
Not this strategy, which short of more info from the OP, is mom making it all about her. Which doesn’t generally nominate you for role model status.
Our children have this singular ability to hurt us to the very core of who we are. I wasn’t suggesting that she be congratulated for her obviously passive-aggressive reaction, just acknowledging that there were likely some very hurt feelings behind it.
And if the OP had done that too, and the daughter had gone the other way? Would the OP then be justified is sulking like his wife is?
It may simply be for instance that the OP works in an interesting career and his wife does not (or does not do paid work at all) and the daughter quite reasonably and admirably aspires after his life rather than Mom’s.
There are only two answers possible, and if one parent is so sure they’re so much a better parent than the other that they get hurt in this way, that to me spells trouble. In fact it implies to me that she (Mom) doesn’t think much of Dad’s parenting.
IMO both parents should be thrilled she chose either one of them, rather than some stupid rap or movie star. It would have been a great reflection on them as a parenting team, and this sort of childish response turns that into the worst message - honesty is not allowable in this house or there’ll be hell to pay.
None of which helps the OP - what is he to do? For a start I do *not *think getting the daughter to apologise or backtrack on expressing her honest feelings is at all useful. She certainly has to reassure her mother that she loves her unconditionally and respects her parenting. She might be able to say that she meant role model as a career path rather than as a parent or person, or something like that.
I would expect her to be hurt to a degree but to withdraw and avoid discussing to resolution is problematic. This is where your wife with your help perhaps steps up and shows her daughter how to manage, cope and overcome hurt feelings and disappointment. Your daughter is watching how your wife manages herself.
As always, the age of the child is paramount here. Is this a fourth grader? Some who is 25? Somewhere between?
If the girl is young then, Jezzus. Kids are not the parents. It is the job of parents to help their children learn how to deal with (contain is the term my therapist uses) emotions and not the responsibility of an elementary child to teach the parent how to deal with disappointments in life.
Older children, then yes, they need to learn to take other people’s feelings into consideration.
I’m still dealing with preschoolers, so it’s different, but it regularly comes up that the kids prefer one of us for some things and the other parent for others. When my daughter is hurt only Mommy will do, but when my son falls down, Daddy is magic.
Children need to [del]reject[/del] develop separate identities from their parents at some stage. Some do it with an unbelievable amount of kindness and consideration to not hurt their parent’s feelings, and the rest are not fictitious characters.
Your wife is playing Victim, your daughter, Persecutor. It may be that she didn’t intend to be Persecutor, but your wife cast her as that so she could be Victim. Or, your daughter may have intentionally needled her as Persecutor, knowing that she would respond as a Victim. Either situation is possible - I find the former more plausible, but that may just be my own biases speaking.
You have cast yourself as Rescuer. As a born Rescuer myself, I sympathise. But it’s not actually your job to Rescue your wife. Advise your daughter, certainly, since she’s still a kid. Other than that, I would try as much as possible to step out of the drama triangle altogether. The presence of the Rescuer can heighten the drama, but your absence won’t absolutely stop it - Persecutor and Victim can be played just fine with no other participants.
In any case my analysis of your daughter’s part in the drama mirrors most other respondents - she did nothing wrong. It’s OK for you to be her role model. It’s OK for her to say so honestly. Even if your wife finds it hurtful, she needs to work out how to deal with that in a grown up manner. Sometimes things are hurtful. If she was up against a colleague for promotion and the colleague got it - that would be hurtful, probably. Would she give the colleague the “silent treatment”? If she could refrain in that situation, then she can do better with your daughter too.
Yeah, in that case Mom should be grateful she’s not being called “the bitch” all the time, and not getting the “I hate you!” bit. A teen aged girls not being thrilled with her Mom, not wanting to be like her, afraid she actually is or will be? Wottashock.
Is there a name for when the Victim casts other people (pretty much everybody) as both Persecutor and Rescuer? It isn’t quite Martyr Syndrome (martyrs moan a lot about how good and saintly they are, these about how hurtful everybody else is), but it’s a pain in the ass.
I can completely understand an initial reaction of ‘I can’t believe you didn’t choose me, I feel hurt by that’, which any mature adult would keep to themselves.
But ‘won’t-talk-to-us hurt’? Who is the adult and who is the teenager in this household?!
It is not the role of your daughter to make your mother ‘feel better’. That is a terrible burden to place on a child.
There are all sorts of variants. Limited by the imagination of the Victim, who is often the initiator. The only certainty is that there should be only one Victim. If there are two vying for the title, they will each cast the other as Persecutor.
If you’re not the Victim, you can refuse to play Rescuer. But you can’t refuse to be Persecutor, because Persecution is anything the Victim says it is. However, you can refuse to accept the designation * in your own mind*. Which is where it counts!
Coach your daughter to tell your wife the following: “The reason I said Dad is my role model is because he chose to marry you.” Bam, instant forgiveness.