This is not a question for high school kids, because kids of all shapes and sizes are notorious for not getting along with one or both parents. But, it seems to me that many mature, emotionally stable women I know have a relationship with their mothers that ranges from prickly to resentful to downright cold.
I can’t figure out why, except they all seem to have a general feeling that their mother was either controlling or dismissive.
I don’t want to sterotype this too much, but it seems to be almost exclusively a mother-daughter problem. These women generally get along with (or at least don’t hate) their fathers, and men I know either get along with both parents, or not at all.
So Lady Dopers, am I right or wrong? And how are things between you and your mother?
My mother is very opinionated. She didn’t approve of me joining the Navy, she didn’t approve of my choice of spouse, she doesn’t approve of a lot of things I’ve done or I do. I let her opinions roll off my back now, tho it was harder when I was younger.
I have a lot of admiration for her - she’s an amazing woman in her own right. But I’m not one of those who says, “My mother is my best friend.” We’re very different people with very different attitudes. I’d do anything I could for her, and if worse came to worse, I’d let her live with me.
We get along in our own way - after 48 years, I’ve refined my relationship with her. I don’t know if you’d call it a truce or an understanding. It’s just the way things are.
I am one of those who says, “My mother is my best friend.” We are very different people with very different attitudes, but I love her, and I know she will be there for me no matter what. She is a very sweet person.
I get along right well with my mother; in fact, she’s taking me on a trip to Italy this Fall. She can get a little, well, let’s say persnickety sometimes, but for a lady of 70ish, she’s remarkably “hip.”
Over the 4th holiday, my 16-year old niece said her grandmother “scared her.” She can be a bit brusque, okay, a lot, but I don’t think she’s scary.
The thing I love about her best is her live and let live attitude. She is very careful to neither approve nor disapprove what may be my “borderline” behavior, and she never spoke poorly of my unfortunate choice of first husbands. I really appreciate that about her when I hear about mothers not hesitating to make their (poor) opinions of their offsprings’ behavior known to all.
FairyChatMom and I have a mother made out of the same mold and except for the military service reference, I could have matched her word for word.
On second thought, even though I wish I could say so, I’m afraid that I really don’t admire my mom. Respect her, yes, but not admire. I’m really trying, however, to be the daughter my Lord would want me to be.
On the flipside, my daughters adore me and we are best friends. It’s really been my joy to watch them mature into wonderful women.
FairyChatMom and I have a mother made out of the same mold and except for the military service reference, I could have matched her word for word.
On second thought, even though I wish I could say so, I’m afraid that I really don’t admire my mom. Respect her, yes, but not admire. I’m really trying, however, to be the daughter my Lord would want me to be.
On the flipside, my daughters adore me and we are best friends. It’s really been my joy to watch them mature into wonderful women.
My mom is cut from the same mold as FairyChatMom also. She’s very opinionated, manipulative and mean as hell when she makes comments about my shortcomings. As in when remarking on how fat I am, “Only your family will tell you these things”. Oh really, maybe I should only associate with strangers, then. With all of that said, I love my mom and would do almost anything for her. However, I purposefully bought a one-bedroom condo so I would never be forced to have roommates. I would have to think of something else. My parents and I meet for breakfast at a Silver Diner near their home for about one hour on Saturday mornings. That’s about all we can take of each other before coming to blows . . .
I adore my mother and get along well with her. She is the kindest person I know (I wish I were more like her). She’s calm, patient and supportive. Of course she drives me crazy now and then, especially when she decides to “interrogate” me (5 questions is my limit. More than that and I blow a fuse. :D)
Her biggest grievance when we were growing up was that her daughters didn’t tell her anything (one of her cousins kept bragging how her daughters told her everything, yadda yadda yadda). My brother on the other hand told her everything, which always struck us as funny. She knew all about her son’s sex life but had no idea what her daughters were up to. She’s the kind of person people just confide in (except my sister and I, but we’re better now hehe). I was always amazed to hear some of the stuff my friends told my mom. :eek: (“See? Why can’t you tell me things like that? I’m your mother after all!”). She can be a nag, but that’s ok. Apparently it’s part of the job description.
She’s intelligent, funny and a sweetie. I think I’ll give her a call.
Is that you, sis?
My mom sounds like FairyChatMom’s, Edlyn’s and medstar’s. Wow. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you three were my sisters.
My mom sounds the most like medstar’s with the snide comments, especially with regard to my weight, also.
If we’re out and I get something to eat, she’ll tell me how many calories and carbs and fat grams are in it. She’s a food Nazi.
If I get a salad or something “lite,” she’ll say, “What, are you on a diet or something?”
And she wonders why I don’t like to eat out with her anymore.
The main problem is that we just have different opinions, and very different likes and dislikes. I’m able to see this, but she isn’t. She is always making snotty comments in regard to the way I do things, be it the plants I choose for my yard, the color paint I choose for my house, the clothes I wear, whatever. If it’s not what she likes, it’s wrong.
When my husband and I painted our bedroom a few years ago, we did it in a very soft blue color. She walked in, took one look, and said, “Why would you want a BLUE bedroom? Why not green? Everyone likes green.”
You know what? I don’t like green. I like blue. So there.
The way she talks about it, you’d think I’d painted it orange and purple stripes.
I’m not big on carrying a purse. If I can get away with just my wallet and my keys, then that’s all I carry. My keys have a clip on them that hooks to a ring on the side of my wallet. For some reason, this drives my mom NUTS (the fact that I don’t have a purse that accessorizes with every outfit).
My sisters and I went out to lunch with my mom a few months ago for her birthday. When I got to the restaurant, I had my cell phone clipped to the waistband of my skirt (hidden under my sweater), my wallet, and my keys. I set my wallet and keys on the extra chair at the table. No big deal, right? My mom hissed at me, “Where is your purse?”
I said, “I have my wallet and my keys, that’s all I need.”
She said, “What if you have to fix your make-up?”
I said, “I’m not going to have to fix my make-up; what I have on is it, if it smudges, it smudges.”
She was horrified that I had left the house without a purse and maybe worse, without extra make-up.
My sisters just sat back to enjoy the re-run of the same old arguement we always have.
She kept at it so long, my oldest sister finally had to tell her to cut it out.
Kinsey, I guess it all boils down to the fact, that our mom’s want to let us know that we’re still morons and they’re still in charge. At my advanced age of 43, I’ve learned to agree with my mom, and then go out do whatever I please to.
Globetrotter, my mom does the same thing, which infuriates me. It seems she gets on to an intrusive question binge which only stops when I ignore her. This pisses her off and she talks some more. That’s when I get up and leave and go home.
My mom and I get along great, and see each other a few times a week. (My folks live about a mile away, and we actually moved here to be with them.) We’re practically clones, actually, which is pretty scary–we talk alike, we have similar interests, and we are both librarians. We are also both fairly laid-back people, which probably helps–my husband has commented that my parents are “so relaxed they’re almost dead.” Also, she started treating me like an intelligent adult fairly early on, which was nice. She isn’t critical, either…
My mom is very nice, easygoing, not hypercritical, and makes lots of friends easily. At 75, she goes on bus trips with seniors’ groups to musicals and casinos–and I tag along. She says she wants to act younger than she is as long as she can. I hope I can maintain the same attitude when I’m that age.
Well, I’m only 22, but I get along with my mom pretty well. She can be pretty destructive (trying to start fights between my dad/siblings and I… etc), but last year she got a job again after being out of the workforce for 22 years (she quit working right before having me, and never went back). It has done WONDERS towards her attitude and personality. I was always of the opinion that her destructive behaviour was part of not feeling needed any more once my siblings and I got of an age that we didn’t need constant attention and ordering around. She gets out of the house now and has interaction besides her family and my siblings’ friends. She has friends at her job.
We got in some VERY nasty fights when I was younger, with her calling me a whore, insulting the fact that I was fat at the time, all kinds of stuff you wouldn’t believe, but now that I’ve graduated from high school, moved out and come back, they’ve kind of “given up” on me and accepted who I am. They (both parents) quit making comments about my appearance and everything else. It’s nice. She seems easy to please. I buy her lunch occassionaly or bring her something like a potted flower, or a lunchbox like the one I got myself that she really liked… and things go pretty smooth.
My 20 y.o. sister is also a first-class, grade A little born-again Baptist “holier than her atheist sister and non-church-going family” bitch with an attitude from Hell (I’m not being hyperbolic here!) so she gets all their negative attention now.
Funny this should come up…I just got off the phone after talking to Mum for an hour!
Mum and I get along really well. She doesn’t butt in on my life, is never critical of my decisions or anything, has accepted my husband as a son. The only thing she complains about is that we live so far away (which is true…10 hours on a direct flight isn’t exactly close!).
She is even very supportive about my weight loss, despite the fact that she has trouble losing. When I tell her that I only gained 300g this past month (remember, I’m pregnant) she goes on about how great that is. Its wonderful to have that kind of approval!
I think it helped that she is only 20 years older than me. She was one of the cooler mothers when I was in high school.
I’m the exact opposite of kunilou’s OP. I’ve never had a problem getting along with my mom, but I can’t stay in the same room with my dad for more than a couple of hours…
I get along very well with my mother. She’s not my best friend, but we’re very close. She’s always there to talk, listen, give a hug, whatever. She always supports me in whatever I do, even if she doesn’t agree with what I’m doing.
I get on well with my mum. We have a good adult relationship.
She and I have similar tastes, but with a few differences. When I was younger, this and the typical desire for parental approval meant that I had a slight internal conflict between liking things because I liked them, and liking things because my mother would like them.
Now I’m all grown up, I’m secure in my own opinions, and I don’t take disagreement as condemnation. My mother sees that I’m doing OK in my life, and so she doesn’t bother so much about what I’m doing. Her mother was a bit interfering with her, so she consciously doesn’t want to replicate that relationship with me.
We can talk about our faults and insecurities with each other. Therapy has helped us both, to be honest.
Like !ceQueen, I have a great relationship with my mom. We’re very close, and I think the reason for this was that she was able to make a clear distinction in the role of mother between childhood and adulthood. A lot of parents seem to not be able to do this (my father included). My mom and I have a friendship. She trusts me enough not to nag me or interfere in my life beyond what a friend would, and I appreciate that very much.
I think in a lot of ways that my mom and I have a unique relationship because of my parents’ divorce (and that’s not the only good thing that came out of the divorce, IMHO). My mom was in a bad relationship for nearly the entirety of her adult life, and when she got out of it, she began acting very young again. She spends a lot of time with friends who are my age or slightly older and so she’s able to see me as more of a friend. I don’t need a mother in the way a child does anymore – I’m much happier having a friend who trusts me, and is there for me. She is much happier having a friend who doesn’t need mommying anymore.
I haven’t spoken to my mother in nearly 10 years. My choice.
My husband’s sisters (his whole family) are incredibly tight. I’ve never seen a family so tight, and I’m glad to be a part of it. I teased my SIL last week because she was upset that she’d been so busy she hadn’t been able to call her mom IN NEARLY A WEEK! My in-laws aren’t just a family, they’re also friends, and they’re a pretty fun bunch.