Women Dopers - Do you get along with your mother?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I had a great relationship with my mom for most of my life. Then, in my 30’s, in therapy, I came to realize how incredibly angry I was at her and what a scam she ran on me. She basically convinced me that we had a great relationship and that she loved me, all while being a really terrible mother and undermining me at every turn.

I worked through my anger at her, and when I was pretty much over it, I sat her down and told her about it, in a very calm way. I actually made an appointment with her to do so, flying out to see her for that very purpose. It took about 2 hours, and I did prtty much all the talking. I didn’t cry, I didn’t ask for an apology…I just wanted her to know that I knew what the truth was, and we weren’t going to pretend any more that she had been the world’s greatest mother, when she had been anything but. She listened, and she told my sister later, with great smugness, that I hadnt’ gotten what I came for, I didn’t get an apology from her. Sigh…

Now, my mother is 79 years old and she’s had a couple of small strokes. Her life has telescoped down to a very narrow range of interests, mostly consisting of food, cnn during the day, HBO at night, and reassurance from her children that she is loved. I only see her about once a year, talk to her rarely because her hearing is bad. But I love her, and I tell her I love her. I have long ago forgiven her and I know she did what she could with her own dysfunctional self. I wish her life could have been different.

:frowning:

22

Like Kat, I get along quite well with my mom but cut off all contact with my dad when I was 19. No regret there, either.

My mom is funny, intelligent, reasonably accepting of her daughter’s crazed decisions, and never tries to run my life.

23

My mom can be a hard person to live with. She’s almost completely deaf and I think this makes her somewhat of a control freak (because there’s so much she misses and can’t control because of her hearing). She also has a pretty fierce temper. But my mom is also funny, strong, generous, and one smart cookie. We get along much better since I’ve stopped living at home. I wouldn’t call her my best friend, but I love her and respect her profoundly.

24

I never liked my mother, growing up. She was very strict. I think she was so uptight and nervous about doing the slightest thing wrong and hence failing as a parent, that she couldn’t let herself enjoy her children. She has basically admitted as much.

We rarely spoke from the time I was 12 until I turned 20, most communication was done through my father. I moved out of home at 18, and visited maybe six times in two years, crying each time on my way home because we always had an argument. At 20, I was going overseas for a while, and had written up a will and decided I was going to give it one last go with my mother, and then that was it. We met in a neutral location, and I think she somehow knew that this was the last effort I was ever going to make, and that if this didn’t work, I was going to walk away forever. My mother did an about-face and was prepared to do almost anything, rather than lose me forever.

Since then things have been good. Now I am happy to spend the day with her, and even took her on a four day holiday/ shopping spree. I enjoy her company, and try and do little things to make her happier. We talk about all sorts of things, and I think I’m her best (perhaps only) friend. I feel sorry for her, and the life she’s led, but they were her choices, not mine. She understands we are both very different and that we will rarely agree on most things. But she also sees my life, and how happy I am, and she’s been able to realise that she doesn’t have to parent me anymore.

25

I’m 32, if you’re keeping track for survey purposes, and my Mom and I have a great relationship. It’s not exactly the “best friend” kind, it’s still very much a parent-child relationship, which is ok with me. I have adult relationships with everyone else, so I’m cool with the parent-child thing with Mom and Dad.

We talk on the phone about once a week, usually for an hour or more. I’m sad I don’t live closer to her. The best compliment ever is “you’re just like your Mom” which is not of course true, because she is a saint, but it’s nice to aspire to.

26

I find it very hard to categorize my mom. She has never been a cuddly person, but I love her dearly. She is very judgmental, though she rarely criticizes…you get the point by a certain clearing of the throat that drives my brother’s wife wild!

She has been extremely generous, and a lifesaver, but has never bought her grandchildren Christmas or birthday gifts…she prefers to buy them savings bonds.

She rarely calls, refuses to ask for help unless it’s really an emergency, but expects you to read her mind and know that she needs help with the lawn, the attic fan.

She is extremely conservative, then stuns you with a liberal viewpoint that knocks you on your butt.

She has never believed that grandmothers should be warm and fuzzy…she is stricter with the grandkids than their parents are, to the extent that they are not comfortable around her. If they come over to help with yardwork, she lets them know they are a)holding the rake wrong b)missing spots c)going too fast.

I wish I could say she’s my best friend, but she’s just my mom. I know she’s lonely, but she doesn’t like to admit weakness like that. She went for years not visiting her across-the-street friend because she “didn’t want to intrude”. She has a big inferiority complex because her family was not well-to-do, and we lived in a neighborhood that was middle class, with quite a few snobs who were rude to her because of her humble roots. We never argue, and she has been very gracious about my divorce…but she’s too hard on my kids. They are pains, and they’ve given me tons of grief, but she can’t understand that they need her love and comfort, not more criticism.

Wow. This has been kinda cathartic. My daughter and I have a totally different relationship. Very cuddly, very honest, very open…we are getting close to that friends thing, mainly because she just out and out rejects my attempts to impose mothering on her unless she really, really wants it. I can’t imagine my own mother nibbling my nose to make me laugh, but I can do that to my 20-year-old, and I intend to do it for a long time. I will not become my mother…but I’m beginning to become her mom, as I start taking her to doctor’s visits, and doing all the driving when we go anywhere, even in her car , and helping with the insurance stuff. I just hope to get married again before she decides that I should move back in wth her! After all, I can’t really afford this place, can I?!!

27

I don’t get along with my mother because well…she sucks the life out of you. She’s a life-vampire. Seriously, she sucks the will to live out of everybody around her.
Also, to her I’m not a human being with my own thoughts and feelings, and desires. I’m her daughter–IOW, her possession to do with what she wants. If she wants a friend, I’m her friend. If she wants a therapist, i’m her therapist. If she wants a scapegoat, I’m her scapegoat. I’m never a person to her, just whatever role she wants me to play.

28

I love my mom, and she loves me. Even when I’m on the verge of strangling her, or she’s threatening to whup my tail :), we know that we love each other very much. She says that even though she’s failed to make a lady out of me, that I do make her proud. Even though we’re both very different people, I’m amazed and amused to find that a lot of her mannerisms and perspectives and such like have rooted themselves firmly in me. :slight_smile:

29

I adored my mother, she was truly my best friend and when she died (when I was 38) it really sent me into a tailspin. She was full of wisdom, humor, common sense, and backbone. Through all my illnesses she was incredibly supportive. While we certainly had our share of arguments and shouting matches, we never doubted each other’s love.

30

Unfortunately I don’t get along with my Mother at all :(. Actually right now we’re not even speaking to each other.

31

I have a best-friend type mother. Actually, my husband is my best friend, but until him, my mother was. I can talk to her about anything. She gives good advice and never judges. When I was heavy into drugs, she didn’t harrass me. Later, she told me that she’d realized that nothing she could say would change what I was doing and that she’d just prayed that I’d decide that wasn’t what I wanted on my own. And I did.

On the other hand, I’m uncomfortable around my father unless there’s a TV going in the room. We have very little to say unless he’s giving me advice on how I’m living wrongly.

32

I’m 22 and still at home, so I’m not sure if I count for your survey purposes. :slight_smile: I get along pretty well with my mom–not “best friends” I guess, but good ones. I tell her a lot of things about what is going on in my life, but I usually wait until I am good and ready before I spill my guts on my love life or something. There are some things that she doesn’t know about me, but I get uncomfortable keeping secrets or not having someone to get advice from. She’s a really great lady, a sweetie and much wiser than I used to give her credit for. When I was in my late teens, she went through a period of deep soul-searching and re-defining her values in life, and it’s been wonderful to see her becoming the woman she really wants to be. She tries not to intrude on the lives of her almost-grown-up kids, and gives advice as gently and uncontrollingly as she can. She likes most of the guys I date, and will praise them to me, but won’t voice any problems she sees with them unless I am bitching about them first. If there was a major problem where she felt I was being abused or something I’m sure she would say something, as she has done this with other friends of mine. She’s not perfect, but I love her. I’m pretty close to my dad, too–they’re both really laid back and love me like crazy.

We’ll see how it works out when I move out–I think I will probably call them a lot. I tend to do that when I’m on trips and get lonely. But after a while I will probably call a little less, and they won’t feel upset by that, since they’re cool with me getting my own life. They’ll miss me, though. They always say, “We don’t want to kick you out–we love having you around. But we will support you in your new young adult life.”

I’ve got great parents. :slight_smile:

33

My mother and I are great friends, and smart enough to give each other some slack when we annoy each other—as even the best of friends will do. In fact, I am trying to find a job in my home town so I can move back there and look after my mother, now that she’s in her 80s and getting a bit frail.

34

im lucky, my mother is generally ok on big life issues, she happy with who im with and my choice to remain childless. shes very liberal.

BUT

on the smaller everyday issues she is beyond annoying. she has 2 topics to talk about and she never varies from them: her job, my sisters kids, oh and her job. …again. and again.

when you go visit her you arent going there to have a free flowing exchange, you go there and get talked to for 2 hours straight about her 2 fav topics. if you bring you a small tagent side topic you get brief look of disinterest and then ignored.

so though she has never been in anyway a bad mother, she just isnt the type of person id have for a friend. visiting her is done out of a sense of duty, not because id actively seek out her company.

the address the parental gender thing. i dont know about anyone else but that isnt the case in my family. while my mother is irritating, my father is basically a brick wall for all the talking you get out of him. i dont hate either of them, i just dont have all that much interest in them.

35

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. Neither she nor any of her relatives know where to find me. All they have is a phone number for my lawyer.

36

Leifsmama, we have the same father. I am incapable of doing anything right, and every remark addressed to me has to end with a “because you never…”, or “because you always…”. Deep breath. I’m moving out in December.

I’m 23, and living at home right now. My mother and I get along quite well as long as we don’t start talking theology. I think she’s one of the best people I know, and… she’s not my best friend, but she’s a pretty good one. She’s also terribly sarcastic. I got that from her, unfortunately for my fiance.

37

This is a very difficult thread to answer.

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. My whereabouts are confidential. She and can contact me only through my lawyer.

38

This is a very difficult thread to join. There must be others in this situation, though, so here’s one response from the far end of the spectrum.

I no longer have a relationship with my mother, nor with anyone who knows her. My whereabouts are confidential. She can contact me only through my lawyer.

39

My mother and I are too like of temperament, and too divergent of experience, to ever be really close. Our relationship’s always been fairly friendly though. My father lives in another province; we speak two or three times a year, and see each other rarely.

Mind you, I’m not really attatched to anyone in my family.

40

My relationship with my mother tends to be rather contentious. She’s basically very manipulative, controlling, narcissistic and a general pain in the ass. A lot of this is because she’s more or less isolated herself, and since I’m the only thing she thinks she can control, she does so.

On the other hand, I generally tend to do whatever it was I was going to do anyway, so it’s not that big a deal. It just tends to add fuel to the fire, that’s all.

Robin