I feel like I’m taking my ACT all over again! “Show percent of time spent on each duty in column on left” BULLSHIT! Let’s see, I was a 911 dispatcher working the GRAVEYARD SHIFT in fucking HOOTERVILLE, so that means I spent, oh, 85% of the time surfing the internet and waiting for the goddamn phone to ring, and the other 15% doing 5 things at once because when ONE person has a heart attack, someone ELSE has to set something on fire while a THIRD person is carjacking a school bus and driving it off a fucking CLIFF! And what is this other shit? Credit check?? I don’t want to BORROW money from you, I want you to GIVE ME money in exchange for work! Why the everloving fuck do you need a credit check? And just how fucking far back into my job history do you want me to go? You’ve got six spaces here; do you really expect me to remember the PERCENTAGE of time I spent mopping the fucking floor at fucking Hardees when I was fifteen fucking years old? And why are the spaces so small on this piece of shit application? You ask for my email address and then give me a space like this:_______ to put it in! You’re on crack! What kind of miniature mutant wage-slaves do you have working down there that can write that tiny?
ARRGGGHHH!!! WHAT WAS THE NAME OF MY SUPERVISOR 4 JOBS AGO??? Something Something Big Sweaty Asshole, I think… but I shouldn’t write that…ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!
Well, you really ought to keep a list of information on your computer as far as former employees and supervisors, Etc. It’s hard to keep straight otherwise. The rule for job history is generally 7 years back. I personally hate the new credit check/criminal check/crawl up your asshole with a flashlight looking for Jimmy Hoffa routine that employers have been pulling lately as well.
I was offered a job about 2 months ago. Then the background checks started. I passed the criminal check, they never commented on the credit check. Then we moved on to job verification. They expected me to have W2’s going back 7 years(I realize that’s information I ought to have kept, but I was 20-21 at the time and lost some things), if the employer didn’t keep their records up. So I ended up faxing over blacked-out W2’s for a week.
And then they couldn’t verify that I did some independent contracting during a period that I was unemployed because I didn’t have any tax documents and they dumped me. So one contract gig that I made very little money at couldn’t be verified and that was the end of my career at “Illustrious Internet Security Company”.
Boy, do I hear you! I’m in a job search right now at age 62 after having spent the last seven years as personal caregiver to an aged relative. Job applications give you space for five or six jobs, but they don’t like going back more than ten years. All of my relevant experience goes back a lot farther than ten years. I could explain all this if I could get an interview, but most employers sift through the applications to decide who they will talk to. They see a seven-year gap in “employment” preceeded by several years of temp jobs (because in that economy and at my age that was all that was available) and they don’t want to know any more. I can ace an interview, but because of the narrow, cramped, one-size-fits-all bullshit that is the average application, I can’t get the blasted interview! My ultra-minimum early retirement Social Security check just doesn’t cut it. But applications, designed by the Devil and read by his minions, are making it hard for me to get anything better. Good luck, brother (sister?). You just have to hope for a real human to talk to you as a person.
I actually know the names of supervisors going back to the 60’s. But try finding any of them to verify anything. Most of the companies I worked for don’t even exist today, and a lot of the supervisors are probably dead. But I DIDN’T KILL THEM! All I want is a job! :smack:
I applied for a job in a craft store a while back. while I aint artsy/craftsy I have a strong back ground in woood working and using fabrics and a ton of other random crap related to craft stores (I worked for my uncle doing player piano repair) I failed to get the job because I coulndt pass some random stupid “test” on the phone where they asked me questions like this gem
“if you were getting an item from a vending machine and it dropped a second item would you put in the moneyh to pay for it?”
I did however land a job that required an FBI background check.
I agree, job apps are ridiculous wtf ever happened to hiring somone based on things like
A can they do the job
B are they fuckheads
Well, if you think that kind of test is ridiculous, try going through an adaptive reasoning job interview. It’s about 150 psychological questions that are so open-ended their only goal is to hang you with your own rope.
At least I think it was called “adaptive”, I’m not really sure. Either way, the Gallup company puts together a huge question book for their client and they shoot off these wacky questions at you rapid-fire.
Oh, and this was for a Customer Service job. Just a low-paying fucking CS position.
I just took an online typing test for the state and their server crashed when I tried to submit my results.
FUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!
GaWd, I think the best exchange I ever had with a potential employer came when I was interviewing for a clerking job at the local state loony bin. The interviewer asked me, “Are you familiar with any of our clients?”
I was nervous. I blurted out, “Oh, yeah, I used to date one!” :smack:
I always liked the ones where you’re applying for a minimum wage job (like at a fast food restaurant) and they ask you questions about why you chose their company. “Um, because I have rent to pay?”
I’ve seen those types of tests, too. They’re just stupid. In the case above, I know of no one who would pay for the second vending machine item (for starters, you’re just providing an extra food item to the guy that comes after you), but I know of lots of people who would never touch a penny of change in the register, which is what they’re trying to get at.
I think the questions should get even more twisted. Hell, if you’re going to screw with someone’s mind, I expect 110%.
“If someone broke into your house, would you shoot him a) in the kneecap, b) in the heart, or c) would you offer him your first born child if he left you alone?”
“You’ve stumbled across a hundred dollar bill alone on the street, no markings or indications as to where it comes from. Do you a) keep it; b) offer it to the hooker on the corner for a quickie, or c) run screaming into the local drug den and offer them the money for their best coke?”
“You learn your employer is having an affair with his secretary. Do you a) tell his wife, b) promise to keep quiet if the secretary pleasures you, or c) promise to keep quiet if they both pleasure you?”
“The company has acquired a smaller company through shady means. Do you a) offer to help with the document shredding; b) tell the directors that you plan to tell the FTC unless they make it worth your while; or c) keep quiet and hope no one notices you stealing office supplies?”
Whom would you pay? Do you make an assumption that the machine inadvertently dispensed two items on a single transaction, or do you make the more reasonable (IME[&HO])* assumption that the previous transaction was aborted due to a mechanical screw-up, and the owner of the machine had already been paid?
*(IME[&HO] = In My Experience [and Humble Opinion])
When I worked for a pre-employment background screening company (meaning we called the employers and did the crim/credit checks for our clients), the whole credit thing was explained to me as a gauge of potential trustworthiness. Basically, the idea is that if you have really bad credit and owe money everywhere, you’re more likely to steal or take bribes or otherwise compromise the company. It still doesn’t make sense to me, but we only recommended credit checks for positions involving money or accounting or higher management. I don’t even think the client saw the credit report, we just gave a pass/fail based on things like late payments.
I’m of the opinion that Human Resources people (HR) are the single biggest impediment to getting a job that there is.
If you have a manager with a personnel need, he’ll say something like "I need a guy to administer our databases. I’d like somebody with a little experience, a degree and who knows Oracle 9i.
HR idiot will get this vague description from the manager, look it up in the Big Book of Job Descriptions, and get a more detailed description, as well as a range of salaries for that position in their particular industry.
This more detailed description will read something like:
Mid-Level Database Administrator
Ideal candidates will have:
5 years administering Oracle 9i databases
5 years performance tuning Oracle 9i databases
UNIX system administration experience
SQL/PL-SQL experience
Strong problem solving skills and the ability to translate
business requirements into technical specifications for
systems development.
Then, after this is published, said HR idiot will cull many otherwise qualified candidates because they have 4 years experience, or no business requirements gathering experience (note, the manager never asked for this), or the guy has 10 years with Oracle 8, but no 9 (never mind that the 10 year guy can probably pick up the 9i stuff really quick).
Or my favorite… back in 1998 or thereabouts, I saw job advertisements calling for 5 years of JAVA experience. JAVA came out for real in 1996, I believe.
Actually, it says more about the person’s character in general than in whether they’ll specifically take bribes. THe rationale goes like this: If person A has a 1000 credit score, he makes good decisions, pays all of his bills and isn’t liable to be a flake. THe person who has a credit score of 2 is more likely to make poor spending decisions, not pay bills, duck collectors, Etc.
I disagree with that line of thinking, but I’m not the one who makes the decisions, so it doesn’t matter much. Personally, I was laid off, and spent a long time unemployed due to the economy. My bills all went unpaid at times because I didn’t have a penny to spare and my credit score suffered greatly. Does that make me king flake? I don’t see it that way, but some people certainly would.
Screw that. I’d take both. I’ve been ripped off by machines in the past, and occassionally when they’ll dispense two of the same item, I’ll take them as recompense. I figure that in the long run, it all evens out. At the moment, I still think the machines are ahead of me…
For my last (recent) job search, I fabricated a resume to tailor-fit the position in question and did not submit an application till I was called for an interview.
I knew enough about the positions I applied for to bluff my way thru the interviews and had a barrage of “pat answers” to stupid questions like, “What would you say are your strengths and weaknesses are?” to assure the bedazzlement of the interviewer.
As of 5-13, I racked up 4 job offers! (I even started my own thread!)
I took the one that offered the most money, and was coincidentially closest to home and had the best benefits! I start Friday, and it looks like I’ll be able to surf the Dope from work (again!).
