All right, off the bat: I didn’t read the books. So now we can start the stopwatch going to when the first Tokien fanatic posts “you’d appreciate the movie more if you read the books” or “it’s part of a trilogy”, assuming of course, the third movie will be good.
I’m sorry, but I’m just an average joe moviegoer who plunked down $5 to be entertained and mystified for 3 hours, which I was with the excellent “Fellowship of the Ring”, which I even have copy of on DVD.
I’m certainly not going to rip on the special effects. They were spectacular. Besides a crappy script, there are just too many annoying plot items about this movie that bothered me, and I don’t care if that is how Tolkien wrote it or not:
-Gandalf returns to life almost IMMEDIATELY with a very, very lame explanation. Also, how did he get the legendary “White Wizard” designation from the tree people in just a few days? The Gandalf character was easily the best thing about FOTR; in TT, he clearly jumps the shark big time. I would have liked it more if he came back later in the movie, regardless of whether that is the way it is on the book.
I also thought he was given horrible, horrible lines in this movie. “I was Gandalf the Grey; now I am Gandalf the White” or whatever, and the stupid line where he calls his horse, Shadofax. Blah, blah blah, no Oscar nomination for Ian this year- he had nothing to work with! Gandalf was a pathetic shadow of himself from FOTR.
-The Hobbits accomplish almost NOTHING in this movie. Frodo is a whining bitch the entire time. He finally gets to Mordor, then gets captured, and ends up miles away back in some city. Then he ends the movie the same way he ended the first one- trying to get back to Mordor! Why did they even bother putting him in the movie? This guy truly goes around in a complete circle after THREE FUCKING HOURS.
-Then there are the other two do-nothing Hobbits, who managed to almost get everyone killed in the caves in the first movie, yet for some bizarre reason the Vito Mortenson guy and the archer dude decide to risk their lives looking for them at the end of FOTR. Why bother?
In TT they manage to spend three hours talking to a walking tree. About the only thing they get accomplished is that they trick the tree into going to Eisendor, where the Tree Herder sees that Christopher Lee, a disappointing afterthought in this movie, has cut down the forest, and then they flood Eisendor. Okay, score 1 point for the Hobbits, but still, it took three hours to get to this???
-I could have done without the Mutual Admiration Society in this movie.
Tom: "Frodo, you are brave.
Frodo: "No, I could not have done it without you Tom, that is what they will say.
Done WHAT??? These Hobbits have the nerve to congratulate each other after spending three hours getting lost and captured, and Frodo do nothing but have a schizoid attack the entire movie? Look, throw the fucking ring into the fiery pit, and THEN pat each other on the backs, okay fellas???
-Vito Mortensen is a good actor, and I like his character, but man, all he does this entire movie is compliment or try to pump up other characters with some of the lamest speeches I have heard in a long time.
Vito Mortensen complimenting the princess saying that because she is a Princess, she would be very brave in battle. Okay, forget that you can handle a sword, or have guts, but because you are royalty you will do well in battle?
I also found the King to be very annoying and incompetent (why would you NOT send the women and children out the other side of the mountain if surely they would be massacred staying in the caves? At least they have a shot!).
But what did it take for him to finally stop whining about how his entire kingdom was going to get massacred by the Auks? Yep, another mind numbing speech from Vito, telling him to ride out in a blaze of glory. Suddenly, the Cowardly King gets some guts, and they ride out to destroy the Auks together. Forget Tony Robbins!
Vito, throwing down a sword when he realizes that the outclassed army of Men were about to get turned into barbeque by the Auks: "These men aren’t soldiers.
Archer Guy: "We are going to stay here and fight with these losers?
Vito, suddenly indignant: "IF I DIE, IT WILL BE WITH THESE MEN RIGHT HERE (right after cursing them out under his breath). Who wrote this crap, George Lucas???
Then right before the battle, Vito the Motivator gives ANOTHER weak motivational speech to a scared pre-pube. ENOUGH!
There’s also too many things happening in the movie that are not properly explained. Like when Gandalf turned the King back. Did he suddenly decide to do that? Or was that the reason they went to visit him in the first place? And why did Vito and Archer abandon their quest to find the Hobbits to help this guy? Maybe they came to the same conclusion I did: the Hobbitts are a waste of time saving.
There’s some other things I didn’t like (battle scenes too long), but I think I have trashed the movie enough.
I will now hide under a table and await the inevitable trashing from LOTR fans!