I dreaded coming in here tonight after posting that self-pitying whine. I expected a dozen people to be making vicious fun of me, and I wouldn’t have blamed them. But you’ve all been very kind and supportive…which means you guys just don’t have the proper attitude for the Pit, but thank you very much anyway.
I’ll be ok…I just needed to be pissy for a little while to break the cycle of sadness. (Yeah, it’s kind of a stupid way to feel better, but whatever works.) I would not have ordinarily subjected other people to it–I’m a serious introvert when it comes to such things. I wrote it out to blow off steam, and then I most likely would have deleted after staring at it for awhile…but right at the moment I was done an electrical storm blew in, and I had to decide fast so I could shut down. I hit submit…and spent the time since being mightily embarrassed.
So thanks for your responses*, and thanks for understanding.
Rich
*Well, except for Cnote and his two - birds - with - one - stone insult. Though I’ll admit it was funny.
I don’t want to make light of your situation, but please, please don’t think you have a monopoly on rejection from the opposite sex.
Plenty, if not most, strike out many times before finding someone to hang with. I have to say, that attitude has more to do with it than anything.
When I was a bit younger, (late teens/early twenties) I had worse luck with the women I wanted to get with, but now with twenty extra pounds and a lot less hair I am married to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and she doesn’t want anyone else, and does not want to change my looks.
The thing that has changed most is attitude. And when I was not with my wife, I had no trouble getting dates even with the balding head and increasing waistline. Again, respect yourself, and the rest will happen.
Oh yeah, you said to be pit-like: May the Stinkin’ Whore who used you find Camel Spit in her milkshakes.
Yeah, what everyone else said. It’s a miracle that love ever happens at all, IMO, when you consider how messed-up all humans are, but it does. Please don’t be thinking you’re more messed-up and worthless than any of the rest of us.
Fascinating that most people seem to have a terrible breakup before ending up where I start at originally. I’m not looking for “love” or anything… not because of a messy breakup or anything, I’m just content being alone. I figure if I’m not happy by myself I’m surely not gonna be happy with someone else.
If I meet a woman that changes my mind that’s perfectly ok. I just refuse to be depressed about being alone… I LIKE being alone.
Like anything else, since you’ve come out and stated that you’ve given up something, you’ll get dragged back into it. Along the lines of “I am never, ever going to drink that much again… and this time I really mean it!”
Oh, I know that. I’m just sick of it–I’m gettin’ too old for this shit.
Aodoi said:
I remember the first hangover I ever had–New Years 1985. I swore to myself that I would never drink enough to make me feel that bad again…and I haven’t been really drunk since. When I make a policy, I don’t abandon it lightly.
What makes this all somewhat surreal is a conversation I had with my ex-wife last night–she made several comments that led me to suspect she’s less than happy with her current hubby, told me she missed me, and at one point said something about “letting [me] slip away.” (Yeah, I guess throwing me over and divorcing me for a guy she met on the internet would constitute “letting me slip away” by some definition or other.) The whole thing gave me the willies–I absolutely hate the whole idea of personally rejecting someone, and I don’t want to be put in a position where I have to do it to her. (Yeah, I know–I’m such a marshmallow it makes me cringe sometimes.)
Johnny: Oh, that’s what it’ll be if she forces the issue–even without my new policy, when she divorced me she moved to the back of the line behind every other human female between the age of consent and dead. I would just really rather she not make me say it. (If indeed she’s actually thinking along those lines–if I was that damn good at reading her I wouldn’t be in this position in the first place.)
bizzwire: Man, didn’t somebody explain to you that you have to take moneyto those places?
Towels have many uses for people unlucky in love:
-An extra blanket for those with nobody to keep them warm.
-A never-ending tissue.
-etc
Remember what Douglas Adams said about towels. If not, read The Hitchhiker’s Trilogy, all five books. Only then will you see just how useful towels really are.
MisterEcks, it sounds like you’re at the same place as I was 7 or 8 years ago. I, too, gave up, and vowed never again to stick my neck out, only to have it chopped. I was having unremitting bad luck with the dating scene and just didn’t have the endurance to face it any more. But at the same time, I disavowed the notion, which seems to be held by many single people, that you can’t go anyplace in public without an attractive person of the opposite sex attached to your arm. Yes it’s true that much of public life is oriented around couples, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go on a trip by yourself, or go to a pub that’s a comfortable walk away and relax over a pint. There are places where you can be comfortable as a single, and still perhaps meet someone. That’s what happened to me. After I’d been out and about on my own for a while, the woman who is now my wife approached me and we’ve been together ever since, going on 6 years. But even if I were still single I would have enjoyed being out and about.
This is one of the best ‘rants’ that I have read here. Clear, concise, conveying a sense of futility and wisdom gained from the struggle.
This could have been written by me several years ago, though not written so well. I ‘solved’ the problem by moving out of the God-forsaken hell of rural America and getting my butt into a larger city, leaving teaching (which women seem to attach to loserdom) and getting a salary in which I can live like a human being.
I’ve been meaning to chime in here – don’t know why I didn’t do so earlier.
On paper, I’m quite datable – attractive, professionally employed, articulate, not a psycho, still have all my hair, don’t talk about myself all the time, not short or overweight or balding or with bad skin – you know. Still, time and time and time again, I’m shot down or ignored. In the past few weeks, I’m 0 and 12 when it comes to personal ad responses – we’re talking well-written replies on my part, too, not form letters or one-liners. Not even a “not interested” – I’m not worthy of even that, I guess. In public, I don’t bother approaching women anymore, because all men, unless they’re extremely handsome, are thought of as potential stalkers and rapists. Don’t want to be seen as a pest or a threat, after all. In those rare cases where I have a date, I never spark any “chemistry.” No, I don’t talk about ex-girlfriends, sex, sports, or otherwise do anything that could be defined as a turn-off. Just …. nothing ever happens. My “chemistry” gland must be missing, because I go years between girlfriends. The last girlfriend I had was in the spring of 1997, and that lasted three months.
Last week, after a long correspondence with a woman who answered a personal ad of mine (hard to believe, huh?), we had the opportunity to chat for an hour or so. I thought the call went well – it seemed a bit awkward, but that’s to be expected. Afterwards, she did the “I’m busy for the next two weeks, but call me later and see if I’m free then” trick. I called her on it, and got this back …
My friends admire my perseverance. Still, I’m so very close to just giving it up. This “someone will come along when you’re not expecting it” garbage that my friends reassure me with is BULLSHIT. Lovers don’t just drop into your lap. It doesn’t happen. Never has in the past, and it won’t in the future. Don’t even mention “Jesus is the answer,” or “Turn to God.” Jesus, God, the Virgin Mary, Buddha, Vishnu, Brigid, and the rest of the prophets, saints and spirits have bigger things on their minds than some loser schmuck in Florida.
I’m tired of the time, expense, and nearly total emasculation of my self-esteem. Like I’ve said before in an old post, I almost feel genderless, like someone who isn’t a man or woman, someone who is utterly, completely unlovable.
I am now convinced that one of three things is the case with my playing the “dating game.”
[ul]
[li] I was born without the “chemistry gland,” as I said earlier. I could have a date where everything clicks, everything’s textbook/movie PERFECT, yet there’s no romance because she feels no “spark.”[/li]
[li] There’s a secret password that is required in order for a woman to like a man. All the women know it, of course, and most of the men, but I’ve never been told what it is. Why? I dunno – maybe there’s some delight in watching my misery, or maybe I’ve been chosen at the 1966 Elders of the Sisterhood meeting to be the one who will make up for the past misbehaviors of the male gender.[/li]
[li] There are so many more single men than single women, and thus women can pick and choose. It’s not enough to be “cute” and “fun” and “smart,” and even a college degree and financial stability aren’t enough -– you have to be at least six feet tall, with chiseled features, a six digit income, and a fully stamped passport. Women would rather hold out for Mr. Perfect, even if it takes them forever to find such a specimen, than “settle.”[/li][/ul]
Seriously, I’m almost crying as I type this. I thought I’d be past this by now, at this stage in my life.
Now this is probably a slightly drastic proposal, but I don’t suppose any of you nice single men would consider moving to Brighton?
Oh go on! Please
Now I know it’s in the UK, and most of you guys are probably in the States, but hey, what’s a little travel between friends? The thing is, the ratio of single women to single men is either 5:1 or 3:1, I forget which (and with odds like those, it doesn’t really matter which).
So go on, pay us a visit - we’ll throw you a party, I promise. And we might even let you leave
Much as I’ve thought about it, it’s nearly impossible, given my chosen profession. The US, Canada, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa practice urban planning in a manner that is fundamentally similar – I can hop on a plane to Adelaide or Christchurch, walk into City Hall, and everything will seem very familiar. The UK, on the other hand, employs a land use planning process that’s radically different; it’s like comparing MacOS to Windows. American college and graduate degrees in planning, and professional planner certification (AICP), aren’t recognized across the pond.
Elmwood – keep in mind the following could be complete bullshit.
I had much the same problem and seemed to have been in a worse situation than you because I’m 5’8". Now if you think 5’8" is not that bad, your wrong. It immediately shoots something like 80-90% of women out of your league. Remember the first word of tall, dark and handsome is ‘tall’. But that is another rant… (of course, elevator shoes helped but it is awkward when you get serious with someone. I still remember the conversation I had with my future wife when she found out I was 2-3" shorter than she thought… but at least you get to that point… )
What I would do is to try to be real nice to women that I would talk with. On dates, I would try to keep things really smooth and upbeat and in general show what a nice guy I was. Do you do this? I think that was my problem. What I started doing on dates is not to be so ‘nice’. Not a jerk, mind you, but to start having opinions, talk about more debatable subjects and exciting hobbies, shorter first dates (not on weekends but mid week), and not calling them for a few days after even if I was really interested. It seemed to work.
I have a theory (actually it is someone elses that I stole) that what happens when you try to be too nice is that there is nothing for the woman to fall in love with. She knows you are a nice person but you are suppressing your personality in order to make things work. However, she has nothing to ‘grab onto’ and is left saying/feeling that he is ‘too nice’ or ‘he’s nice but there is no chemistry’. By not contacting her so often and having a short first date not on a weekend, you are showing her that you have a full life and if she plays her cards right then she might be a part of it.
So, when a woman tells you that you are too nice or that there is no chemistry what she may be telling you is that you have no personality. By stopping being so nice, you actually help yourself because then the woman sees someone who she can fall in love with – something to grab onto.
Of course, it could be complete bullshit but thinkaboutit.
I like nice men. And a man who just surrenders?!
Cool.
But what kind of woman are you guys after? Elmwood–you sound yummy. MrE, if you need a break from disappointment, I don’t blame you. But don’t let the bitches ‘win’. Let yourself be won over by a nice woman.
Hey, I feel ya, bro-ham (do not know how to spell that word). As a marginally homely introvert meself, I know how it feels to be a out in a dating world where 90% of people are higher up on the 10 scale.
But, sorry that’s a hijack since you’ve given up on the dating and/or marriage thing for awhile. Actually that’s cool, take as long as you need to, to be happy with yourself. You may in fact, decide you prefer being single! Get yourself a cat or three and that will ease the process considerably.
Seriously though, good luck. Time’ll bring on changes and who knows who might show up to take up the cats’ bed space.
