Oh, and German butt pulp is very functional, no emphasis on softness like American asswipe. I won’t say it’s scratchy but it has almost the texture of a brawny paper towel. It’s… effective. Nothing like the gossamer thin, non-absorbent institutional stuff you find in the US. The hotel had exactly the same TP as the office.
Turdinator IV - Fudgement Day, starring Ahnold Fartzzenegger.
I got turd burgled in an airport bathroom once.
In Terminal 1 at LAX, I was having a difficult time… Usually I’m as regular as a town clock. You can set your watch by my bowel movements. Except when I travel. Especially if I fly. I don’t know what it is about traveling, but it stops me up, and turns my crap into something resembling putty when the bowels finally do move. Ever heard of a 20/20 crap? [sup]1[/sup] I was in the middle of the second 20.
And the toilet was jammed up against one wall of the stall, so that I couldn’t even get my arm between my legs without leaning halfway over. Worse, this toilet was fitted with one of those new fangled infrared flush valves, so that every time I leaned over to wipe my ass, the damn toilet would flush, getting my ass wet with germ-laden airport toilet juice.
But then I realized that, fortunately, I had chosen the handicap stall, so that I had room to actually get off the toilet and squat to wipe. Unfortunately, my carry on bag was taking up a lot of that space, so I had to remove my shoes, my pants and my underwear so that I could straddle the bag, squat, and wipe my ass efficiently.
And, thus situated, efficiently scooping the shit out from between my ass cheeks in handfuls (and grateful for the opportunity), is when some guy pushes the door open, defeating the (rather inadequate) latch, and barges in. Only then does he realize that a) the stall is occupied, and b) it’s occupied by some guy wearing no pants, straddling his luggage with a steaming wad of shit-smeared bogroll in his hand.
Being polite and all, he lets out a choked “Jesus Christ,” backs out, and leaves. And doesn’t bother to close the door behind him.
“Yeah. And I’m Mohammed. Nice to meet you.” [sup]2[/sup]
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[sup]1[/sup] It takes 20 seconds to crap, and 20 minutes to wipe.
[sup]2[/sup] No, I didn’t say that, but wish I had.