I gotta write my will. What the hell do I put in it?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Yep. Seems I gotta have a will and all my shots before my li’l business trip. I have no freakin’ idea what the hell to put in there. Can I look over your shoulder at yours? I promise, I won’t cheat. I just need a little starter help . . .

About the only thing I do know is that my life insurance cash is going to a huge raging block party in Jersey, with 12 kegs of Bass, Sam Adams, Miller Lite, Amber Bock, and a handful of others, with the reception played by Van Halen (with David Lee Roth, of course!). Dammit, if I’m going out, I’m going out in style!

So, like, what the hell do I put into this thing? And yes, I will take requests. First come first serve. . . No CODs accepted. :smiley:

Tripler
Should I really say “hell” when talking about my will?

2

My name and address will be forthcoming. I accept checks, money orders, bequeths, and am available for adoption. :smiley:

3

And be sure to tell us the flight number and destination of your business trip, so we can arrange a . . . welcome!

That’s it; a welcoming party for you.

[sub]provided we’re in the will of course[/sub]

4

Yer coming to Kuwait? Cool. . . I can see what we call it now: “Dopefest in the Dunes”! :smiley:

And I ain’t got much. Whaddya want?

Tripler
Only 4 more weeks!

5

Honestly, a will ain’t that difficult to take care of. You will (ha!) need to make sure that whatever you’re writing up will be recognized by the courts in your state and any state in which you own property. In most states, that means having a couple witnesses watch as you sign the will, then sign it themselves. In a dozen or so states, a will that is written in your own handwriting (“holographic”) will do just fine. But you MUST find out what the requirements are for a legally binding will in your state. Be sure to appoint an executor too, so you’re happy with whoever’s taking care of and distributing your estate after you’re gone.

You should easily be able to find pre-printed will forms that will work for your jurisdiction. Be sure to do some research on the legalities before you rely on them, however.

The big question to ask yourself, however, is how big your estate is. The biggest deal about estate planning is not executing a binding will. Instead, it’s planning the distribution of your estate so that you avoid the taxes and other costs that can quickly reduce what your devisees receive. If you’ve got enough property that you’re seriously worried about how it gets distributed, I definitely advise you to consult a good attorney. Your devisees will be glad you did.

6

Sheeeat. I once got turned down for renter’s insurance because I didn’t have enough stuff! :smiley:

It’s more of a case of what I should be thinking about. I mean, here’s all I have so far:

[ul]
[li] I want my money to go to the huge raging, rockin’ block party, complete with beer and Van Halen. No substitutes for the band.[/li][li] If I’m gassed, put me in a pine box. If I’m slimed, turn me into extra extra crispy. If I get nuked, don’t worry because there won’t be enough left to bury.[/li][li] Make sure my dog gets fed and watered daily.[/li][/ul]
End of story.
Like what else do I need to consider? I’ll probably name my Pop as executor right now, because I plan on revising this thing sooner or later anyway. Should I just say “Everything to Mom and Pop, and let them sort it out”? Is it really that simple?

Tripler
What 24-year old bachelor thinks about this kinda crap?

7

Actually, I don’t think you can accomplish any of those things via will.[ul][li]You can dictate who gets your dough, but not how they spend it. You can put stipulations on it, however, which gives you a bit more say-so. For instance, try a clause saying: [/li][quote]
“To Joe Blowhard I give $250,000, but only if he spends the dough by getting Van Halen to play my wake and obtains a dozen kegs of beer that do not include the words ‘Light’ or ‘Lite’ on their labels. If not, then the $250,000 goes to Joe Blowhard’s ex-girlfriend, Sally Psycho, and she should feel free to spend the money in the way that will most piss off Joe because he didn’t comply with my wishes.”
[/quote]
And if you don’t have at least a quarter mil, I think you’d better start getting used to the idea of a cover band.

[li]You can’t do anything via will to dispose of your mortal remains once you’re dead. If your loved ones want to bury you, you’re gonna get buried. Besides, it ain’t like anyone’s gonna be reading your will in the couple of days after you die. If you want to be burned to a crisp, make that wish known to the people who will be making that decision when you croak–your spouse, parents, and/or siblings.[/li]
As I said above, you can dictate who gets your property, but not what they do with it. Your dog is property. Give it to somebody who you know will take care of it. You can also leave that person some dough to be spent on taking care of the dog, but honestly, nobody is going to give a damn if the new dog owner spends it on Miller Lite and Sammy Hagar cd’s.[/ul]Life is unpredictable, and death is doubly so. I’d throw the party now, because there’s no guarantee it’ll happen when you’re gone.

8

My last will and testament (After what the lawyer charged me, this is definitely my last will and testament):

To my dear friend Mr. George Hale I leave and bequeath the satisfaction of being remembered in my will.

To my lawyer I leave the task of explaining to my heirs why they didn’t get a million dollars apiece.

Everything I own in the entire world I leave to my sister. In the drawer by the stove you will find a sandwich bag to put it in.

The rest I leave to the poor.

9

Here’s a nice site I found with some helpful tips about making wills. Good luck!

10

Sure, you can use your own software and get it notarized with three witnesses, but that’s what Lawyers get paid to do. It might meet all the requirements for your state, then again, it might not. And the only way you’ll know for sure is when you die. At that point, you’ll probably not care, but your heirs might. And that’s the only way to find out if it’s any good- by your death.

You don’t want to know what happens to your estate when you die without a will. In most states, it goes to your heirs, but the state has a funny way of stepping in and sucking that up- it happens.

11

Put lots of smiley faces in it.

12

I leave all to Astroboy14 (excepting debts)…

Yes, it’s been done before, but I thought I’d try! Maybe the last one before you bite it might get the whole enchilada (except the debts! I got enough troubles!)

:slight_smile:

13

Before you go, if you’re serious (and I know you are since I had to have proof of will before deploying), talk to your base (or command) legal officer. S/he can give you the forms, etc.

And, am I invited to this wing-ding?

Robin

14

Very important: put down all your account numbers and phone numers of anything that will have to be paid off or cancelled. Your utilities, newspapers or magazines, phone company, cable; ANY monthly bills you get. Also your bank account and credit-card numbers. My father didn’t compile any of this info, and it took me MONTHS to get everything cancelled and bills paid and settled.

15

I just scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. Thanks.

Of course! Everyone who likes Van Halen oughta be there! Hell, I’ll even be there in spirit! (pun intended)
Tripler
Now I gotta figure out which dopers get what.

16

Can I have your post count? Added to mine, it might add up to something respectable! And then I can, um, well…hmm.

Oh, and I also want any salad-manipulation devices you might have. Salad Shooter, Salad Spinner, Salad Squeezer, etc.

17

May I have all your porn, please?

And I’m only coming to the party if you stipulate that there be no Miller products…even in death a man must have his standards.

18

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer, but I do have a will. That sure don’t make me an expert, but I did learn something during the process.

Don’t look at this process as admitting that you will die some day. Instead, look at it as yet another step on the road towards being an adult. It’s up to you to decide which is worse, tho… :smiley:

Don’t specify what to do for a funeral in your will. It won’t be read until it’s too late.

Don’t put the list of accounts, phone numbers, names of important contacts, lists of what mattress holds money, etc. in the will. This stuff changes too often to put it there, and it’s a pain to change it. Instead, in the will, refer to the location of this list, or to the person who holds it. Then you can change the list at will without involving a lawyer or paying a fee to file this revised will somewhere.

Your will is where you specify how to distribute your assets as you want them distributed. Without one the state you live in would do it according to their rules. This seems obvious, but you might be surprised (and pissed) at how the state gives away your stuff. And even more so at how much they charge to do it.

In my state (Michigan) I had to have 3 officials named in my will:

An executor who will oversee the terms of the will, to make sure it will be done as I specify;

A guardian who will be the legal guardian of my son until he reaches adulthood;

A conservator who will administer the financial and real assets (ie, real estate) according to the terms of the will.

It sounds like you might be able to dispense with the guardian, but ask the legal officer about it. This document will be in effect until you revoke it. If you have kids 10 years from now, it might be the one used at that time to provide for them.

19

Just one request, Tripler.

If you die, I get to jam with Van Halen at your funeral.

Eddie is my all-time hero and I aspire to be just like him. And I check vhnd.com every day because I want to be first in line to buy tix for a DLR reunion tour.

But seriously, though. I don’t like this subject because if you croak, lurkernomore won’t have anyone to brawl with at the next NYC Dopefest and we wouldn’t be able to hang out and consume ridiculous amounts of beer anymore. So quit talkin’ about this, okay?

20

Upon my untimely (and highly unlikely) demise, I leave the following people the following stuff:

To Giraffe, I leave all my “salad gear”, including my two big 2 1/2 gallon bowls and my salad forks.
To Omniscient, I leave all my porn, and my roommate’s too, while he’s outta town for the next month.
To MsRobyn, I leave a plane ticket to the big assed block party in Jersey, with Van Halen live.
To THespos, I leave sufficient funds and explicit instructions to Eddie Van Halen to sit down and teach you a few riffs and chords.

True, but it’s something I gotta check off on my list before I leave. Might as well have some fun with it! :smiley:

Wanna talk about something really morbid and depressing? Ask me about the 6 shots I have to get in the next 10 days. :eek:

Tripler
Alright people, the handout line starts over here to the left. . .