Oh, I know stuff can always get worse. Because usually for me, it does sooner or later. I’m trying not to let things affect my overall attitude because generally I do look on the bright side of life. It’s just that sometimes the chemicals don’t do the right thing and the brain is compelled to take me to an altogether unpleasant place. I liken it to a heart attack–the person doesn’t really want to have one, it’s not good for the organ causing the problem but what can you do? It’s involuntary physiology. Brain’s the same way. It processes stimuli as best it can and sometimes things just get broke. It’s unnerving because sometimes you can step back and watch your brain decide to get angry, depressed, jubilant…and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it even though you can understand that you’re way out of bounds.
In that light I can understand the intensity of drive that may compel folks to “immoral” interpersonal activity. Cheaters, killers, insurance agents, etc. But while it may explain the actions it does not excuse them. If an appliance is broken to the point where it’s not safe, you get rid of it. Same for broken brains. Sorry, maybe it’s not your fault that you’re nuts, but…you’re still nuts and dangerous. Buh-bye. It’s what I’m really afraid of. How long until I go too far? I want to deny the potential severity of the problem, ignore it so it can go away because most days I’m peachy. And then sometimes I just get a “brain attack.” It’s not as simple as “shake it off & drive on.” At my worst I can’t do that any more than someone can will their heart to get going again. It scares me in the same way having an old timing belt on the Pathfinder scares me. There are no symptoms until the thing just breaks, and then stuff is ruined and dreadful inconvenience sets in. I know the belt is old and needs to be fixed, but since it’s not broken yet I have other more urgent things to attend to. But not to worry, it’ll make itself a priority.
