I hate the High Five.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The other day, a lady at work was especially pleased about some relatively innocuous thing. She was so pleased about this little bit of nothing that, spying me on the other side of the freakin’ room, she raised her hand and shouted with glee “High Five!”

You always have to announce the high-five, otherwise people will think that you’re waving at imaginary animals or asking for permission to go to the bathroom.

I was in a dilemma. She was standing on the other side of the room, a full 10 feet away! Do I look disdainfully at her waiting hand, perched in the air as if to say “raise your hand if you’re a dumbass,” and thereby “leave her hanging”? Or do I run across the room at full tilt, slapping her hand as hard as I can, possibly throwing an elbow or shoulder into the mix to make things interesting and possibly bloody? Or do I sheepishly wander over and return her high five, and then lock myself into the bathroom until the shakes stop?

I chose an alternative option. I performed my best Elvis karate move, with several spins and kicks, threw my own hand in the air, and let her walk across the room to give me five.

Lord, I hate the high five. It was cool back in the day, when only athletes did it to celebrate a touchdown. Now, every schmuck who wants to celebrate some minor victory is doing it.

“Good job with the lasagna, mom. High five!"
“This Anderson report is replete with typos. High five!”
“You didn’t wet the bed! High five, grandma!”
“Great sex, hon. High five.”

I’m always besieged with questions when someone raises the fish belly-white palm of terror. Do I clasp their hand and give it a little shake, knowing that the moment of discomfort would be funny, but realizing that my own discomfort would probably overshadow theirs? Do I return with the same hand, or the hand closest to them? In high school, a relatively popular kid wanted to high five me for a particularly fine basketball shot in gym class (which, in retrospect, really was cause for celebration. I sucked). We were standing almost side by side, but facing opposite directions. He raised his right hand and announced that this was indeed an invitation to high five. I had a split second to decide whether to use my left hand to reach across his body and slap his right hand, or to use my right hand, thus creating a symmetry of hands used, but also resulting in a very awkward twisting of my body in order to reach his raised right hand. Either way was awkward, but if I chose correctly, I would be part of the popular crowd. If I chose unwisely, I would be shunned for the rest of high school, a pariah.

I used my right hand, contorting my body to reach his right hand, essentially putting my shoulder into his face. End result? I couldn’t get a date until college. Those things may be unrelated, but I have my doubts.

If you’re really that desperate for human contact, why not go for the belly bounce? Nothing says congratulations like jump into the air and smacking your belly against the belly of a relative stranger.

And you? Why do you hate the high five? And if you don’t hate the high five, why do you still enjoy the high five even though you shouldn’t?

2

[Lumbergh]
Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh…

Look, mmmm, Sid… We’re sort of instituting a new policy 'round here. The company is transitioning to … punching fists.

Did you … get … the memo?

Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh… So if you could just punch fists from now on, that would be great.
[/Lumbergh]

3

I live near Dallas, TX and we have a freeway interchange called “The High Five” . (5 layers of traffic and ramps) I don’t think it was very well designed, so I thought this was a complaint about it.!

4

The last time I gave a high five was in 1993. And, although I didn’t count, I probably gave in the neighborhood of 500 of them. In an hour. This was only because A) I was downtown B) when the Blue Jays won their second World Series in a row C) and it was obligatory to get out of the car and walk the streets of Toronto high fiving everyone and singing “Whoop! There it is!” Well, it wasn’t strictly obligatory, but given that the entire downtown core was packed sidewalk to sidewalk with throngs of people, it was impossible to actually get anywhere on wheels. Even if you tried, you could expect at least half a dozen people to sit on various parts of your car as you paraded down the street at two miles an hour.

Needless to say, that event tapped out my capacity to deliver high fives.

5

But…my wife never high fives me after sex. I…what does this mean? :frowning:

<sits in a dark corner and rocks>

6

For the across the room situation, it is perfectly appropriate to return the gesture while remaining in place…aka the Air 5.

For the up close and personal version, might I suggest you fart loudly and lick his face instead? I’ve never seen anyone do that, and I think it might be funny…

7

You think that’s bad? After sex, my wife high fives the neighbor!

[rimshot]

8

The one over Elm street just west Deep Ellum? You can skip it if you drive down low, but as far as I’m concerned that’s too slow.

9

We went to Arby’s. I had the roast beef . . .

10

That’s nothing. After sex, my wife high fives her partner. So she told me.

[double rimshot]

11

Yeeeeeessssss, this seems to be the case in my circle of aquaintances as well. Where did this come from, the bumping of fists?

The high five is still very much alive though. I have season tickets to the Carolina Hurricanes, and every time they score a goal, crowd goes wild, high fives ensue. Like the fans had anything at all to do with the goal. :rolleyes: Still fun though! :smiley: (Guilty as charged).

12

The Men of the Square Table have already issued a ruling on this matter.

13

Hal!!! That wasn’t a ruling!

I feel like I’ve been left hanging. :frowning:

14

If there wasn’t already an Australian kids band with a similar name, I think “The High Five” would be a good name for a band. If it had five members and was constantly high.

15

The fist bump is coming perilously close to incurring my wrath. Of course, my wrath involves me whining on the internet, so I think that bumping fists has nothing to fear.

16

I guess you didn’t get the memo.

You no longer respond to the “high five!” by actually high fiving.

A clothesline is a perfectly social acceptable response.

17

Innocuous achievements of the kind described in the OP should not be affirmed by use of the high five.

Current mores demand that life’s small victories are celebrated by immediate sexual intercourse with the nearest available person (except for the mom and the grandma obviously).

Naturally if there’s nobody else around at the time one needs to use a little imagination and mark the occasion using whatever limited resources are at one’s disposal.

18

No, the exchange at 75 and 635 is “The High Five” in Dallas. it’s not great, but it’s better than the exchange at 75 and 190. The person who designed that exchange should be given a high five with a two-by-four to the head.

Oh, and back to the OP, I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said, “Slapping hands is the lowest form of human interaction.” But Barney on “How I Met Your Mother” has some great high five variations.

19

Last year circumstances demanded that I give a high five to my fellow, an African American lady (yes, in the world of medicine, fellows may be female). After raising my weak and wimpy hand and half missing hers, I offered the sop that I’ve always known I cannot high five very well, because I am just too white.

After she finished snorting, she said, “Well, at least you’re not in denial.”

20

See, I dunno. I prefer bumping fists (or as we hip kids like to call it, “respect knuckles”) for my embarrassing congratulatory gesture needs.