That was darn good!
Like it says at the bottom left of every single page:
Welcome
Straight Dope Message Board
Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.
Never met him.
Heaven forfend! That’s abuse.
I have a former student, now in his mid 30s whom I’ve always called Grasshopper. It’s been a long time since anyone’s suggested I was young.
Here: You’re young.
Seconded. All in favor?
(also: welcome!)
How do we know it’s not a dog on the internet?
Friendly dogs are also welcome.
That’s the right answer.
It’s always a cat. Just sayin.
It’s usually hard to tell, and does it really matter?
A frequent tell, if you really look hard, is that because of their penchant for grammatical correctness, most canines tend to be pedantic. 
A little too dogmatic, if you ask me!
I hear by attest, Dogs and cats are somewhat smarter than a ‘possum. Anywhoo.
Welcome, welcome Alli !!!
I’m a '99er. First got hooked on The Straight Dope, the first printed compendium of columns of The Straight Dope, which originally ran in the Chicago Reader.
I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes, laying in bed, reading. And reading. And going back to Coliseum Books on W. 57th St in NYC and getting more books. Then I found the nascent AOL Board and was hooked.
It’s a hell of a lot of fun and I’ve learned all sort of things here. And continue to do so. Also, the friendships.
Enjoy !!! 
Dare I ask what a 99er is?
Thanks for the welcome!
A Doper who has been a member since 1999 or earlier. Something specific platform-wise happened in 1999 but since I’m a measly 20er I can’t remember what that is.
I’ve been on the board since 2001, though reading for quite a while before that. If memory serves, the board started off as an AOL board but migrated to the web proper in in 98-99. Lots of posters migrated but a lot didn’t. Some of the original 99ers are still around and actively posting. We’ve lost a lot as well. Those posters are the ones who laid the foundation for the board’s culture to be what it is and persist how it has. This board is a vestige of the “old internet” before social media and streaming took over everything. It’s a minor miracle this place is still here and still active.
All that said, welcome to @Alli , we can always welcome new blood. This place always needs it.