It’s a boy - most teachers won’t think of the possibility of a boy having ADD without the H.
You sound like you are describing me at that age down to my teachers being frustrated that I wouldn’t turn in assignments that they knew I had finished. I ended up being diagnosed with inattentive ADD. Not that I am diagnosing or anything, just that, really you should take him to a professional because a lot of things, especially ADD as others have said, can look like just laziness.
Attention Deficit isn’t a great descriptor for what is going on.
If it is ADD, 30 minutes is too long, and long lists will just get overwhelming and cause him to shut down. You can work up to that over time, but right now you would need to start smaller. Also, he has likely not been learning the skills that you are expecting him to just have at 13. It’s likely that, when it comes to performing tasks, he is closer to a 9 or 10 year old developmentally.
As for not doing a good job, I am not going to say that he didn’t pick up the paper because it wasn’t on the list, but in the middle of cleaning he likely got distracted and in his mind the check box for “finished” got ticked even though he hadn’t been thourough and he moved onto something else. Hell, this is still my biggest problem and I manage my ADD fairly well.
And I will second that, in New Jersey as well, it is a huge no-no to suggest that a child might have ADD.
Just some notes of clarification.
“Wool-gathering” at least as used in this thread was not used by to mean “malingery” and implies something else entirely.
Some 13 year olds to be sure and some not. One assumes from your post however and from the teachers’ comments that his performance is a bit more extreme and goes back much farther.
Again lots of possible explanations … including bright but uninterested and unmotivated at this point in time … worth looking into a bit more is all.
Agreed, DSeid. This does go back a bit farther than just this school year or last. It’s been a running theme over the past 3-4 years. At first blush it’s got uninterested and unmotivated written all over it. But he can’t seem to snap himself out of it. Perhaps he hasn’t felt the real need to yet. But you’d think all my cajoling, appealing, threatening and punishing would get some traction by now. Nope. And he’s admitted to not being able to snap himself out of these episodes of torpor. And, when I suggested that maybe we’ll find someone for him to speak to about this, he seemed to welcome the idea. Or maybe he just wanted to get me off his back about it in that moment in time.
Seems to me like he just hasn’t found his passion in life yet. Pretty common for boys of that age. ADD is also a possibility, but given that the diagnosis is so subjective, I’m always a little skeptical about it (my own 9 year old was diagnosed ADD). I’d have him talk to a counselor–they can give him behavioral modification techniques that, whatever the root cause, will change the behaviors. But my gut says he’s just a late bloomer, like so many other kids, and will come into his own once his frontal lobe completely develops.
“Late bloomer” is the hope I’ve been hanging on to for some time now. I hope a consult with a professional will aid in determining what may be going on. I’ve also got strong reservations about the medications they (over) prescribe for ADD type diagnoses.
This is what I tell myself when I feel especially resistant to medication:
Just because the doctor prescribes something doesn’t mean I have to take it.
Just because I took something today doesn’t mean I have to keep taking it for the rest of my life.
The good thing about ADD meds is that you don’t have to wait a century for them to kick in. And the path you’re on has been trod countless times, so you aren’t alone when it comes to advice.
Overprescription is an issue in a global sense. If it’s effective and needed for your child then it’s the right thing. My son was on two different meds (one suppressed his appetite too much and we switched it). It helped immensely. However, at around 15 we switched the decision to take it or not to him. However, if he chose to go off it, he had to demonstrate a commitment to developing good strategies to overcome his attention issues. He chose to go off meds and we worked with a counselor and it helped. However, the two years on the meds helped break the cycle, deal with the add induced depression and set a good stage for later.
This isn’t nearly as common as it used to be, understanding of how ADD works and how to treat it has improved a lot over the last several years. If your son gets diagnosed and given meds, odd are good that they are the right thing.
That said, I ended up learning how to manage myself without medication because I had negative side effect reactions to all the meds they tried on me. So, it can be done without meds and I went on to have a pretty successful life including graduating from a top college with honors and making the honor roll my last two years of high school. But I also spent a lot of time working with people to develop the skills I needed to succeed without the meds.
Can you elaborate some more on this? What people? What skills, specifically?
I spent time with educational therapists working on learning how to study, how to break down assigments into managable bits, schedule myself, build routines etc. For me having an unwavering routine was key. And by lots of time, I mean daily for 3 years and then weekly for another couple (5th grade - 10th grade in all) I also saw a therapist weekly to help me work through some of the emotional issues that went hand in hand with having the sort of disability that makes everyone you meet think you are lazy and not trying when in your own eyes what your are doing is constantly failing. Which is frustrating on a lot of levels and, at that age, made me a really angry kid for a while.
Acknowledging that you don’t know what to do next and reaching out to a medical specialist seems like the best next step. I’d start with his primary care and then they can direct you to the specialist that might best help him. I always think it’s best to leave the diagnosing to the professionals.
In the meantime, when I work with students I set them very clear, short goals. For example: “When I come back in five minutes I want to see these first three questions done.” This isn’t something you can keep up for any extended length of time, but micromanaging might be useful until you can get him some real help. Also, have him do his homework in the living room (kitchen, etc) in your home. Wherever you happen to be. You’ll be able to observe his behaviors and see what happens when he zones out.
Good luck.
Thank you NAF1138.
As to working in the kitchen as opposed to his room… yes, that was always the routine. But this year, and this is a pit worthy complaint of mine, the school board decided that books were far too expensive and most of the text books (math, history, included) are on line now. Which means he has to work on his computer in his room. We’ve made the decision to change this. Starting next week, I’ll have him work on my laptop at the dining room table. That way I can keep him more focused and make it easier for him to ask me questions.
By the way, I looked at the history file on his computer… He gets on to his school site to get his assignments, gets on the online text book site, visits his facebook for a few minutes… but there there are these time gaps with little to no activity. To my mixed relief and surprise… no pr0n sites! 
I know… Facebook is getting blocked too. As is Youtube.
Christ, no! I’m having flashbacks!
I had a colleague/client who had been diagnosed with ADHD in childhood; he’d been medicated for a long time but, at the time I knew him, was not. He had a PhD in Chemistry and was the Quality Manager at a chemical factory. Whenever I explained what we needed to do and a few reasons, he’d come up with additional (and correct) reasons on his own - yet he was completely unable to perform a task he had not set for himself unless there was someone staring at him.
I once asked him whether he’d always done his homework with his mother looking. Yes, even through college, and if he needed to stay late she’d stay up in order to be able to stare at him.
Be very, very careful with that path.
I must say, he sounds very much like me at that age.
I guess this echoes a couple of other posts to this thread but here goes:
Sometime in Jr High School, I figured it out.
That ridiculous push for grades with points and homework and quizzes and book reports and Spanish verb conjugation…Nonsense. I wasn’t interested and didn’t have to be. Primary school grades don’t matter one wit and I knew it. Blow off the homework and ace the tests, that’s the life for me. I can remember snickering with friends about our Permanent Record. What kind of threat is that to a kid who knows better?
They said:
“He has so much potential.”
“So nice and bright, gets along well with others, I wish he’d turn in his homework.”
“If only he applied himself.”
“I caught him reading Spaceballs* during my grammar lesson!”
And it wasn’t just school. I’d rationalize all sorts of annoying laziness.
Make the bed? For what? Who’s gonna see it?
Clean my room? Nah, I’ll just mess it up again later. It’ll save us all a lot of trouble if we just skip this part.
Get to bed early, school’s in the morning. OK, mom! Turns on WGN Hunter reruns on b/W 13" tv hidden in closet
Comb my hair? But I’ll be back in the shower in just 71.5 short hours.
Mow the lawn? Every time I do, it just grows again. Let’s let it get three times as long and mow 1/3 as often (which got pushed back when the time came anyway).
Not interested and I didn’t have to be.
I was probably a little more smartassy than the OP’s kid, too.
Of course, I now recognize that all that work is supposed to set up the child for a life of education, responsibility, strong work ethic, etc. Many kids that age know enough to see that they can coast over the next hill but they don’t have the wisdom to recognize the mountains after. I don’t know what would/could have gotten through to me then. Carrots like ‘If you do well now, you can go to med school for six years, ten years from now’ and ‘Imaging a fulfilling career practicing law’ aren’t appealing to most kids.
Certainly, school and chores weren’t challenging and or interesting at the time and I wonder if that would have helped. I did have hobbies and I wasn’t a daydreaming slacker when it came to those. I wonder if the OP’s son is more present and alert when doing those things he enjoys.
Obviously, you know your kid best and some grown up goof on the internet can’t diagnose anything anyhow. I’m sure a trip to a specialist isn’t a bad idea, especially if your intuition is pinging but be prepared for a clean bill of health. I turned out arguably and argumentatively alright, I worked steadily since I was 15, went to engineering school (late) and have a nice little career for myself.
*A silly Scholastic book adaptation based on the film. I was sort of disappointed when I saw the actual movie years later.
I’d like to put in another vote for a medical evaluation. You’ve got nothing to lose and your son’s got a future to gain.
I’m getting that you are very resistant to the idea of medicating your son for what you see as a behavioral problem. This is common. However, I strongly advise you to keep an open mind regarding this possibility. For complaints like apparent laziness and lack of motivation, AD/HD meds can be as close to a magic pill as anything that exists on this planet. I’m talking the difference between dropping out of high school and finishing up med school.
Behavior modification, counseling, study skills inculcation… Those are all great ideas for students who seem to be struggling to make themselves care about work. But for some of them, none of those things will do a damn bit of good without meds.
I second everyone else’s advice to talk to some professionals and see if there’s something medical going on. This can be typical teenager stuff, in which case you just have to wait it out, or it could be a physical problem that really needs specific treatment. Thinking you’re just lazy and bad when really there’s a legitimate problem that’s getting in the way is excruciatingly painful. Ask me how I know.
One possibility I haven’t heard mentioned yet is moving him up a grade or two in some of his classes. If part of the problem is that he thinks the work’s unimportant and boring, it’s possible that he’s right and giving him some harder challenges will help him reengage. Or this may entirely not be the case. Just something to consider.
Editing to second colander: Meds shouldn’t be the first thing to try. See if there’s other stuff that will help first. But honestly, they were invented for a reason. Sometimes no amount of willpower will let you do something, but a dose of the right chemicals will leave you looking around and going “huh. So why was this difficult again?” It’s not like being drugged into doing something, rather, the drugs lift a crippling weight that I didn’t even realize was there, and I’m able to think again.
I am reluctant to take the meds route unless I’ve exhausted all the other reasonable options. But I’ve not ruled meds out entirely. Going to wait and see what information the professional assessments provide and weigh the options.
Again, thanks for your suggestions.
There are lots of strategies to use with ADD that you can implement. Simply knowing the cause will help you both deal with it much better.
Another pointless anecdote, but I don’t take drugs for my ADD-I.
I took one briefly after my initial diagnosis, don’t even remember which one, but I didn’t like it. I’m used to the way my brain works and it felt very strange to have it working differently.
Like NAF1138 I learned to cope by micromanaging myself. I’m not even close to being 100% successful at that, but it’s part of who I am and I can deal with it, rather than taking drugs and being someone else.