I heard from my cousin today

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

…who I haven’t heard from in decades. He’s in his late 30s now, I’m in my early 50s, and he said he’d like to ask me some questions about his childhood, when I knew him and his mother (also my cousin) very well.

His parents divorced when he was about five, his dad more or less disappeared, and his mom killed herself when he was about eight. He (and his younger sister) were adopted by his mother’s brother, and they grew up as part of that family.

I’ve lost touch with the older cousin and the family he grew up in, though we used to be close. The last I heard, about twenty years ago, the younger cousin (the one who I heard from today) hadn’t been told any details about his mother’s manner of death. I think he and his sister were told some sort of innocuous story about a car crash or something.

Short of contacting his adoptive family to check out the last twenty years worth of developments, may I assume that by this point, someone has filled him in? It’s absurd to think he’s lived his whole life without ever learning that his mom committed suicide, but it would be horrible to be the one to break it to him, thirty years after the fact.

And of course for all I know, he has been told, and simply wants to discuss other issues with me. When I was younger, I felt very fond of this fellow, and his sister, and still feel a strong urge to be kind to them, and helpful, but I don’t really know what, in this situation, would consititute kindness or helpfulness.

I suppose I could meet him and see if I can tell what he knows already. Or I could insist on our first contacts being by e-mail, so I could see what he knows and what he wants to know before we meet. This is a very tricky one–I don’t have a powerful instinct pushing me in any direction now.

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How did he contact you? (email, phone?) How far away does he live? Would it be practical for you two to get together face-to-face?

I’d say he has a right to whatever information you have, thought I certainly understand your not wanting to dump him into a can of worms he might not realize is there. (Ahem. You’ve noted my flair for metaphor before, I know.) Don’t make him jump through a lot of hoops – if it would be possible to get together with him (perhaps after the semester is over for you and your schedule opens up), that would probably be best – otherwise probably on the phone. Email seems a little cold.

twicks, wondering whatever happened to her only first cousin on her father’s side, who disappeared 30+ years ago…

3

If he’s in his late 30’s I think he should be able to handle the truth at this point. It’s not like he’s a child anymore.

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I think meeting in person would be best too. Seems like whatever questions he asks are likely to clue you into what he knows. If it seems appropriate, you could ask how much he knows about his mother’s death and even how much he wants to know.

I can imagine a conversation something like:
Your cousin: Well, they told me there was an accident…
You: It’s a bit more complicated than that and not very pleasant. Do you want to know more?

The reason I think that it’s important for this to happen in person is that if he’s not aware of the truth and you tell him, it’s likely to be a life-changing moment for him. And it’s likely to be a moment where it helps to have someone else there.

Good luck!

GT

5

Whoa. Um… wow.

Definitely do meet him in person. You’re going to have a lot to talk about–not the least of which is his mother. Don’t bring it up, let him put it out there. Be honest, but gentle, and ready to offer as much emotional support as you can.

Good luck to both of you hugs

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If he has a question about any event, start by asking him what he knows. This gives him a chance to frame the situation and you a chance to see whether he has been given good or bad information (and how he has responded to it).

If he has been told a complete lie, you might want to turn this into a multi-part interview and try contacting the source(s) of the bad information to get their side of the story. (Contacting them also gives you a better handle on whether he was told lies or if he is stringing you along, portraying the rest of the family in a bad light for whatever reason.)

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He contacted me by e-mail, and I e-mailed him back this morning, saying only “Sure, good to hear from you, love to meet up,” etc. (Then I posted here.) He left a couple of phone numbers (in addition to his e-mail addy, of course), one of which indicates he works within a mile or two of where I work, so getting together face-to-face won’t be hard.

Haven’t heard back from him yet. I like the idea of asking him to tell me what he knows, what he’d like to know from me, etc. I think I can try to do this by e-mail as I set up a place to meet him. Even assuming no agenda on my part, it would help to know what kinds of things he’s interested in knowing, to help me get my memories and information straight.

It would be pretty crazy if no one has ever told him squat about his parents, wouldn’t it? There’s a lot of stuff that I don’t know for sure (I was just twenty when his mother died, and far from being included on grownup discussions) and I’ve tried figuring some of the complicated stuff out by myself, not to my complete satisfaction. So I’ll have to try to keep my speculations to myself, I think.

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Yes. All the more reason he needs SOMEONE to help him find out the truth. It won’t be easy, but I hope you’ll consider taking that responsibility, if no one else has.

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Wow, what a particularly awkward position to be in. I sympathise.

But you’ve gotten some really good advice in the thread, and it all sounds like emotionally sound, reasonable suggestions on how to deal with some tricky subjects.

My mom comes from a family who happened to be…painfully…mentally unbalanced. She and her mother were never particularly close - she was actually removed from the house and was sent to live with an Aunt and Uncle early on, which - looking back - had it’s good points and bad points. She also had a sister who had been mentally ill for years, and my mom had actually hospitalized her several times, for fear of suicide and other issues, which, of course the rest of the family ostracised her for. Fairly painful for her.

I remember my Aunt got out of the hospital a couple of months before we were moving from NY to WI. First time I had ever met her. I was only 14, so imagine me trying to look at her to see if I could see the insanity (my own particular version just beginning to bud with adolescence - ah, the joys of genetic heredity). She seemed fine and normal to me. A little quiet, but I was glad to see her and spend a little time with her.

Imagine three years later, my parents had just split up, my mom and I had moved into an apartment in WI, she’s having a total breakdown, barely coping, and I am trying to get the house in order so it will look more like a home for her and restore some sense of normalcy. ring

It’s a priest friend of ours, a Msgr. from back in NY who knows our family VERY well. Is my mom home? No, she’s at work. Well, I have to tell you something, and I wonder if you can handle telling your mom, or if I should call back. Just tell me and we’ll see, the conversation goes. Her sister, with no reliable support system and no one watching out for her mental health since mom was away, hung herself. Shit. I said I would tell Mom. Mom got home, I poured a glass of wine, sat her down, and said I had something very difficult to tell her (I’m sure she thought it was about ME being in trouble - again). And I told her about her sister and she just lost it. She ended up calling Msgr and asking him pertinent questions, but I think it came better from me because I could BE there physically at the time for the emotional fall-out.

One year later, same ring. Same Msgr. Her mother had died, could I handle this one. Sure. Surprisingly, or maybe perhaps not so, considering the oddness, distance and estrangement of the relationship, she took that one harder.

Four years ago, she got another call. Another sister, who had been caring for her ex-husband in their home while he wasted away from a long term illness, decided after he was gone, that it was her time too. That one really knocked the wind out of her. Especially as she had two wonderful children and a really good life, by all accounts.

That one put Mom in the hospital for suicide watch and total nervous breakdown. Out of five sisters, she had one left (the first having been murdered when she was very young). And the one who was left - she didn’t speak to.

Cut to the good part. My mom and her sister have somehow reunited, and are opposite ends of the spectrum, but they balance one another - Mom says something and Sue just makes her look at things realistically with a wry, acerbic wit. Just what she’d get from me, too! But now they can talk about the family and the different ways things were seen and talked about when others weren’t around.

God, that’s TMI, when all I meant to say was that - it’s good to have someone there if you expect there might be some surprising information heading their way. And you sound like a caring enough soul who was at least old enough at the time to have some comprehension of what was really happening. It might not be complete, but it might be a place to start.

You do have my empathy, because I’ve been through something similar, and my sympathy, because you have other elements that I feel horribly that you feel you may have to deal with. I get the sense that you’re a kind person - your concern, your worries; just follow your heart, go with the leads given you and I am sure that life will work out the way it was intended. Might not be what WE intended but…there’s a plan to everything. In my universe, anyway.

Best of luck, and please let us know.

Regards and Respect,

Inky

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Please meet him in person…

You do care about him; if you avoid meeting in person it looks like you’re avoiding him, not the issues in his life.

Whether he knows about his Mom or not is not as much of an issue as knowing that you do care, I think. My own family is the kind where we may not see or talk to each other in AGES but then someone calls out of the blue asking for information on local hotels and gets offered the house instead shrug.

11

He might want an organ…