Dear Mr.Useless, 32 year-old, Turd Brown, Electric Tappan Range:
For the 18 months I’ve known you, my cooking life has been disapointing at best, chaotic at worst. You have turned me, a woman with talent and passion for cooking, into someone who dreads entering the kitchen. You made me burn stuff on a regular basis. BURN! I didn’t BURN food before you came into my life. You have no flame for me to control, and the numbers on your knobs were meaningless due to your unpredictable disposition. And your oven-- You know, that stupid door with hinges on the left instead of the bottom. Do you realize how many times I’ve gotten burned by your fucking door? Remember that one day when I made that lovely homemade pizza? Just when I was taking it out you slowly moved your door onto my upper arm. That took WEEKS to heal. I know you did it on purpose, you prick. Oh by the way, you couldn’t bake a cake evenly if your life depended on it.
But making me doubt my cooking abilities and inflicting physical pain weren’t enough for you. NOOOOOO!! You had to completely crap out on me Friday night. I was trying to prepare dinner for the Scotsman, who had worked all day, was starving, and had his heart set on some comforting mashed potatoes. And you had your go and have your little melt down. All I wanted was to feed my man and make him feel better after a long week. This was not your plan. You had to give me the ultimate “finger” just as I was getting started.
You know I watch the Food Network. And you know what I’ve noticed? NONE of those chefs use electric cooktops. You know why? BECAUSE ELECTRIC SUCKS SWEATY, DISEASED, PUS-OOZING, ROTTEN DONKEY BALLS!! I hate you and your kind.
So guess what, Mr. Turd Brown Electric Range? I ain’t gonna fix you. You’re outta here, asshole. Even though money money is tight, we’re going to replace you. WITH GAS, MOTHERFUCKER!!! We can’t afford my dream range yet, but we’ll gladly buy a temporary cheapo just to get your ass out.
And when the installation guys take you out, you’ll be going where all electric ranges go… straight to hell!!!
Ooh, that’s a nice one. Nothing better than a gas stove and electric oven. The only thing I really like about my gas oven is that it doesn’t have preheat, so I don’t have to try to remember to switch it over.
I’ve lived in this apartment for about a year and a half. I think my first cleaning of the range will come this month, right before I move out.
First, let me say that your electric kitchen range deserves all the hell you’re giving it. But I would like to point out that for those of us with the fortune/misfortune to learn cooking first on an electric range, they can be used with skill, and without burning things. In fact for me, I’m far more likely to fubar with a gas range than an electric one.
I had spent my entire life cooking on electric ranges, always wishing I could have a gas one at my disposal. (Grog make fire! Grog cook meat!) Wehn my wife and I bought our house the first thing I insisted on was a gas stove. I’ll never go back.
My problem with gas stoves is largely my own atavistic reaction to the flame. (Must see pretty blue flame! Must! Must! MUST!!!) Perhaps it’s unfair of me to blame my problem on the heat source… but I do cook a lot of good food on my electric stove. Patience, grasshopper, is the key.
OtakuLoki- I learned to cook on a gas stove. I started cooking on electric when my Mom bought her house years ago. That was when I swore that when I had my own home, it was gas or nothing.
This is the most inopportune time for this bullshit. I was hoping I could stick it out with Mr.Turd Brown Tappan until I remodled my kitchen. I’ve got a huge badass Kenmore Elite Stainless Fridge & I wanted the range to match. Now not only do I have to buy a temporary range (but hell, it could be years before I can remodel), but I have to have the gas routed to the kitchen. Oh, the old one is a drop in (which sucks) and I’ll lose storage when the new one goes in. And storage is a rare comodity in my meager kitchen.
In the meantime, I’ve been getting creative with Mr. Crockpot. MMMM… Stew for the 4th of July.
I understand that, and you have my sympathy. I wish I could offer more, but alas, I wasn’t the one who won the Powerball jackpot.
Umm… on the flames are pretty and can be used for cooking, too, theory: what’s wrong with bonfire steaks? (And if that’s not something you care to try, I’ve got friends who swear by radiator steak, and dishwasher fish.)
[QUOTE=OtakuLokiUmm… on the flames are pretty and can be used for cooking, too, theory: what’s wrong with bonfire steaks? (And if that’s not something you care to try, I’ve got friends who swear by radiator steak, and dishwasher fish.)[/QUOTE]
I don’t even have a dishwasher . And there’s no place for me to build a fire. I wonder if I could access the flamage from my hot water heater…
Whaddya mean you don’t anywhere to build a fire? Unplug the non-functioning poop brown range/oven, and build a fire in there. (nodnodndonodnodnodnodnod) It’s not like you’re going to get any money for salvage from it anyways, right? :rolleyes:
[QUOTE=Seeker74]
I just had an idea-- I could turn the Turd into modern art a la Homer Simpson. I bet it would go for big bucks!
[quote]
Sledgehammers and an arcwelding unit are wonderful tools of artistic creation. Besides, it’s the 4th! Knock yourself out!
But that’s both too easy, and not really very clever. Putting the Turd out in the front yard as art would do the same thing, and allow you to advertise your artistic abilities. <nodnodnodnodnodnodnodnod>
I finally got a gas stove to replace the ugly, electric piece of junk that came with the house. It cost $1000 to run the gas line and $1000 for the stove, but I like it fine.
You might buy a used electric from some lucky stiff who managed to convert to gas, until you can do the same.
It’s a pain to run a gas line. It has to be big enough to carry the load and there’s a pressure test that the county checks. It takes days.
OH, FUCKING GREAT. God dammit, I’ve been stewing all weekend over this. I’ve put a call in to Sears to get someone out for an estimate on the install. I’ll go over all the options with him/her and take the cheapest route. My life has been pretty crappy for the past few months, and this is the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Anyway, thanks for the heads up, jsleek. At least now I won’t be in shock if I get a crazy high estimate.
Drool…I always sniffle when I can’t have a gas stove. It’s the one imperfect thing about my apartment, really. That and I could live without living on the third floor.
I get a kick out of starting the oven. Sparking noises come from the lighting element, gas pours out of the burner and a big whump occurs; sometimes with flames shooting out the side. It’s great.
Ooooh, your description gave me that special “funny” feeling … If I had all the money in the world, I would have a strictly professional, commercial style kitchen. Complete with a deep stainless sink and pressurized sprayer. I had the pleasure of working in a pastry shop for a short while, and I really got off on their equipment. However, trucking the bowl from the badass Hobart mixer with 60 lbs of cheesecake batter was a bit of a chore.
