Something completely blew me away a few hours ago. I was thinking about what characterized my social circle and discovered a very troublesome pattern. Every single female that likes me enough to talk to me occasionally (or more, so distance friends, good friends, etc.), or that I have ever known before in such a fashion share one damn trait. I’ve actually made a list of girls to make sure I wasn’t biased in my thinking and I stopped after about twenty because it made me feel profoundly uncomfortable. What trait, might you ask (if you’re that bored, that is)?
They all had their father missing for a significant chunk of their youth either due to divorce or severe substance abuse and it is still a significant trauma in their life. I am actually sitting here trying to think of a single female friend who does not share this trait! It’s driving me Conversely, none of my male friends (there are a lot less of them though) share this trait.
What the fuck? Now, this could be
a) A coincidence b) Something I do subconsciously c) Something in me that attracts the type. All three make sense, especially since my father died when I was nine. But seriously, what the fuck? I am really creeped out that I haven’t noticed this until now. It suddenly put all my female friendships, all the relationships and all the sex ( :eek: ) in an entirely new context.
How do I cope?
“I swear to God, it’s like somebody took America by the East Coast, and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.” [right]-- Harry Lockhart, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang[/right]
How to cope? Beats me. I can barely cope with Thursdays.
Not knowing your age makes this a little tougher, but I’m gonna guess mid-20’s.
You said “They all had their father missing for a significant chunk of their youth either due to divorce or …”
Heck, I’d bet that applies to 30+% of the entire female population aged mid 20s now. And when talking about relationships, like with guys, like with you, this is almost sure to be labeled “… a significant trauma …”.
Now depending on your socio-economic status & location (or more precisely, that of your girlfriends), significant substance abuse problems can be a 1% or a 50% prevalance.
So while I agree with your theory that you’re somehow attracting more than your fair share of these people, it’s not like you’re finding the needle in the haystack; more like you’re finding the hay in the haystack.
I was one of those types of girls back in my 20s. Two of my college roommates, as well as 3-4 other girls I was friendly with, were also fatherless.
We all had the tendency to be attracted to what we termed “fatherly” types. Not age-wise (that’d be too icky), but demeanor-wise. Someone who’d listen and love us unconditionally. Someone who was sexually nonthreatening. Someone who had the means to be as much of a “sugar daddy” as a college budget would allow (some of my friends intentionally fell for the foreign contingent for that very reason).
If you had asked me at the time, I couldn’t tell you what drove me to be attracted to such young men. Looking back on it, I’d say it was a combination late-adolescent angst, budding sexuality, not much self-confidence, and no idea whether I was even attractive to the opposite sex.
I am such a female, mid-30s, and this has been true of most of my female friendships, also. So to the extent the girls you know are friends with other girls you know, perhaps we tend to travel in packs. That may be because we like our friends to be people we can talk about our family problems with, who can relate to the same problems. Also, we seemed to have more freedom and be more independent than people from 2-parent families. So we were generally free to get into the same kinds of trouble. The guys we dated and were friends with ran the whole spectrum, though.
I imagine
*b) Something I do subconsciously *
is the answer.
I suggest you recast it as a positive function rather than a dysfunction.
My guess: it is part of your character to help heal people. That’s a good thing.
Now that you’re aware of it, you can (and should) consciously develop it.
If you haven’t chosen a career path yet, perhaps this will help point you in a good direction.
I don’t know many women who have had their fathers around for much of their childhood. They are the exception rather than the rule, and this is true of the women I know from ages 18-45.
I’m not talking about just friends, either… I mean, among women with whom I’ve worked, etc.
But I don’t mean like at work all the time or somesuch. I mean either literally physically absent for months or years (or ever) or passed out on the living floor floor ODing type of “absent”.
Good point… I’d have to go back to, like, junior high and start listing people and whether or not they had a father present in childhood, and I’ve probably forgotten a lot of the people I’ve worked with over the years.
My point was actually reassurance to the OP. I just think the situation is so common these days as to be unremarkable.
Apropos of not much, according to my Soc teacher a couple years ago and this article, unwed parents are more likely to subsequently marry (and stay married) if their child is a son.
How do you cope? What, are you thinking of dumping them all and finding female friends with stable fathers in their lives? Haven’t they had enough male abandonment??
Anyhoo, be happy that you are someone they can count on.
And I am, however, I do not revel in being sexually non-threatening. If I am a good friend to some, it is amazing. But being treated like a big brother by absolutely everybody makes me feel pathetic. I refuse to believe that the only way to change this is to act selfish and stop listening.
Of the six women I’ve dated for more than a month, five are blind in their right eye. The one that’s not blind in her right eye? She’s got a huge astigmatism, and is effectively blind without her glasses.
