So, the Squamous Cell Carcinoma they removed from my neck is all gone, my lymph nodes look good, the CT scan shows I am healthy, the PET scan shows I am healthy. I should be happy, right? I’m not, and I can’t figure out why.
My Aunt’s sister is dying of ovarian cancer - I should be thanking my stars every day. This woman has fought for her life for so long now, and it finally looks like she may be losing. Shit shit shit, and can I just say – shit?
My new brother-in-law has something wrong with his liver, had a liver biopsy done, and no one can tell him what is wrong. He’s not in renal failure; a by product is that he’s got a severe case of edema, which they’re treating. His cholesterol is off the charts 4-something - Og, I didn’t think it could get that high, but he’s on meds for that now. They think his liver thing may have something to do with a reaction to Advil and the amounts he was taking. Some folks just have adverse reactions to it. But shit, they’ve only been married since June, and now THIS? Poor sister just got a new job, they just had to move, she’s stressed to her limit, and I feel badly for complaining to her about…well, anything.
I am depressed, and yes, I am on meds for it, but it seems to only be getting worse, which may be a by-product of SAD since it’s been a while since I’ve seen the sun, but when I do, I can’t tan anymore anyway, I will always be gothic white. And while that may have appealed to me during my high school/rebellion stage, a little tan made me look healthier. But SPF nine million will be my best friend now.
I have had dental problems my whole life (I got all the GOOD genes in the family). Ever since I was five I’ve been to the dentists’ regularly for all kinds of treatments – fluoride trays, pulling teeth, fillings, you name it, I’ve done it. When I was 30, some doc told me just to pull them all and go with dentures. Shit, I was only 30! It made me cry so hard I had to leave work.
So I am involved with a bunch of good dentists now, but they’re not in my plan. Or, they are in my plan, since we changed plans so they WOULD be covered, but all the medical treatments I need will take 18 months of continuous coverage before being approved. I can get x-rays and a cleaning, though. Gee. A cleaning at this point is something they’re even afraid to do because they’re afraid things will break if they push on them too hard.
Back-story: two years ago, I cashed in my mediocre 401K to pay for crowns/caps on all 6 of my front teeth. I mean, they were BAD. I actually held my two front teeth together with super glue for months, if you can believe it; that’s how dire things were. The dentist wanted $7K up front before he’d even work on it. Insurance might not cover it…you know how it goes. So I cash in my small $5K and my dad fronts me the other 2 to have seven front teeth fixed. Dad knows what a lifetime of trouble I’ve had with this.
I spend months in the chair. Shots don’t bother me any more; gimme more Novocain, except my body processes it too quickly – good potassium (damn bananas). Hell, I can generally tell someone I’ve got a hot tooth or something is going to need a root canal before they even know. I’ve been doing this my whole life. I know my mouth. Oh, did I mention I am prone to abscesses? Seems I have two teeth that are horizontal in the top sides of my mouth which they can’t take out for fear of disturbing the already sensitive root structure of what is there. There are permanent abscess structure cells around them – they never go away. So every few weeks, I get an abscess in one of three places. No problem, my mouth has developed “spots” for them to usually break through and drain (gross, I know) and I just deal with it.
It doesn’t matter if I am on penicillin or other antibiotics – I was on them the entire month of December for several root canals and other problems and still got four abscesses. And other lovely things women get from too much penicillin, thank you. Monistat fucking LOVES me at this point. I may buy stock.
Anyway. That seven grand for the seven teeth in the upper front? All root canals, all post and cores, all crowns. And fucking beautiful. I mean, I got to choose a nice whiter color than I’ve had in a long time, and my smile is the type that my upper mouth shows widely when I smile (when I am not hiding some stupid affectation my mouth is giving me at the time). I was thrilled. It was painful, I made it to every appointment, and the day they got done, everyone in my office took me to dinner to celebrate.
A couple of months later, I move out here to CA, and was unable to finish working with this fellow I thought was so wonderful. I had to get in because one of the crowns and posts has fallen out – I asked him if he could merely reattach it. It was one of those clinics that are in a mall or something – I was not happy, and did not feel confident there. Look, call me a snob, but I’ve been dealing with this crap for long enough to know when I get a kinky feeling that I should follow my instincts.
I was several dental student’s main thesis for graduation ant Marquette Dental school, so I know when they’re good and when they‘re not. And my feeling mostly was the students were more patient than the docs. Bad story about me physically pulling a doc’s hand out of my mouth as the student protests loudly for about the sixth time “Sir, she’s not numb anymore!!” He keeps drilling. I pull his hand out bodily and threaten to use the drill on him. Doc walks away in a huff about me being a problem patient. Student apologized, shot me up and wrote a formal complaint. Teacher was removed. Anyway, I trust my instincts.
Anyway, mall-clinic doc – who was actually very nice and paid close attention to everything I said – she reattached it but said it wouldn’t last. It would have to be replaced, and wrote up a treatment plan – with the insurance that I had, and what would cover it. Ooooh….$20,000 should do it.
What? I just had all this work done in the front! I know there are other serious issues to be worked on, since it’s so damn expensive it’s like painting the fifth bridge – by the time you get done with bridge five, it’s time to start all over with one again. We (BF and I) get a second opinion from this upper scale group just to see what the deal is.
I’ve had BAD experiences with “Upper Scale” docs as well. Went to see this super-surgeon back in MKE, Dr. Badalamente, whom if you can afford him, is THE fellow to see– it would take him only one mere day to fix my entire mouth. It would cost me $40,000. That was more than I made in a year at the time. I started to cry, thanked him for his time, and told him I knew it was out of my league but I had to try…he called me at home, trying to convince me of other ways – get a loan, call a bank – I think he was sincere, but…I can’t do $40,000 at one time. Not even now. He was a nice fellow, and I thank him for even trying but, there was no way. But I needed to know what I was dealing with.
Back to the 7 in the front? The second opinion doc has a whole suite of folks he worked with exclusively, and they all knew one another’s work, and went to each other too (always a plus in my mind). Remember that cost of $7k up front? Well, the one tooth that fell out before has fallen out again. And again. And again. And again. He even put in a second pin to hold it in until we got to replacing it. I’m in NC visiting family, and I have to call my aunt’s dentist for an emergency appointment – it fell out again.
So here’s the gust of it. I’ve always had so many problems that I’ve never had everything fixed all at once. I’ve always had something major, but there’s always something left because, well, dammit, I run out of resources. Not like I am buying a car or a house or anything. I just have to eat and feed the animals too. So, while I may take care of one super thing, there will be other things brewing.
This doc’s plan of attack is to get everything. And I mean everything. “But what’s the problem in the front,” I complain. “I just paid $7K for all those and you have to replace them all?? After only two years? You’ve got to be playing some cruel joke.”
Unfortunately, turns out there isn’t enough root left for these post and cores to really be attached to. So, they have to raise my gum line and expose more of the roots and then replace all those post/core/crowns. He thinks the fellow I saw back in MKE was nice, but was likely out of his depth. Hell, half the dentists I see can’t identify half the compounds used to hold things together in my mouth.
So, long story short (I SAID it was boring, but it’s my rant so fuck off), I found out Friday the 11th I was cancer free. On the 17th I had the gum surgery, which basically restructures your gum line (recedes it, shaves your jaw bone, other gross things) and takes 8-12 weeks to recover. MEAN TIME, it’s fucking painful. Sure, those Vicodin5’s you gave me are great – for about 4 hours. I am not superwoman. This hurts. I called for a refill, for which he was reluctant, but did for 20 more 5s. Shit, man, gimme some painkillers, wouldya?? Then last night, the plastic he used to cover the gap between the existing top of the crowns and the new gum line which is raw and filled with stitches, falls out. So it’s now purely an open sore, exposed. Anything I drink hurts. Anything I eat hurts.
Well, now I am out of painkillers again, and it hurts more than it did when he first did the procedure. What am I – wonder woman? Why are docs so reluctant to give me something that will at least let me function? And I have to function – I am a writer; I get paid to put out an edition of a magazine every two weeks. I cannot afford downtime. I am hourly (long story). And it’s a sexually oriented magazine, sex positive – I am damned proud of what I do, but tell me HOW I am supposed to find anything erotic when I am spitting blood every few hours?
Now we’re to the best part. December I was down for almost the whole month, as I said with multiple root canals. It was also holiday season. I gained ten pounds. Well…you would think life was over. It’s such a bone of contention between BF and me. I am doing Atkins again, back on induction, but shit, I can barely eat anyway, so 20g carbs when you can’t chew makes it a little harder. And I haven’t been working out – I AM IN PAIN. When you get your heart pumping, it makes the parts that hurt throb even worse. I’m walking, but that’s not enough to flatten the tummy evidently. It’s been several fights in a few days. I mean – are you kidding? Am I out of line for thinking this is an inappropriate time to discuss this? I will lose the weight – I did before. I will again. Its 10 pounds!!!
I have 8-12 weeks for healing before anyone sees me in anything but sweats and socks anyway, fer ogssake. I go nowhere till this is fixed. Superglue smile was enough. Gap smile is too much. Maybe I’ve gotten vain in my old age.
It pisses me off that he’s “frustrated” with “waiting”. Like – WTF am I supposed to be doing? I am doing the best I fucking can. I think. I dunno. Maybe I am the one out of line here.
Just needed to rant. And I don’t have any friends in CA so…you guys are it.
Thanks for listening/reading – if you even got this far.
And, as bad as I make him out to be in this rant, he (BF) really is taking excellent care of me, is concerned for me, loves me and wants the best for me. He just thinks ten pounds is too much for me. AAAAARGH.
Inky
