Things that John Edward, Van Praagh, and other cold-readers have always made me wonder:
1- Exactly HOW do the dead communicate? It seems to be some combination of spectral charades and Magic 8 Ball. They never say “Hey, I’m Ruth Bernstein, that’s my granddaughter Maggie in the front row, and I want to tell her that her aunt Bernice stole my ruby brooch. By the way I’m in paradise and all is great except the buffets aren’t set up for the lactose intolerant.” Instead it’s some odd hinting at numbers and letters, ala
and
What is the dead dude doing? Showing him a really fuzzy Power Point presentation?
2- Why are the dead so freaking boring? It’s always the same message: He loves you and is with you constantly."
Never do you hear anything worth knowing: “Honey, Pentecostalism isn’t the answer… the one true religion is Cao Dai… whoever would have guessed?”
or
“He says for you to dump your ImClone at 60”
or
“That thing on your shoulder… get it removed now if you don’t wanna be sleeping in my afterlife guestroom.”
3- Didn’t anybody ever carry a grudge over into the next world? Just once I’d like to hear one of the sprites send the message
“Yeah, this is your dead husband Vern… and I still think you’re a miserable #(@*#ing *@@$@! And guess what, I ran into your first husband up here and so does he! And by the way, just so’s you know, my scout troop leader when I was 12 was a better lay than you!”
or
“Hell no I don’t forgive you for that last fight and when you get over here you gonna get an ectoplasmic asswhoopin’, know what I’m saying? And you know those Franklin Mint plates that fell off your wall two weeks ago? That wasn’t an earthquake, that was my poltergeistin’ self, and I’m currently entertaining some ideas about the plumbing”.
4- Doesn’t anybody go to hell anymore? “Yes, your mother is here, but she’s screaming in eternally agony being burned by flames that don’t consume… did you have any idea that she was a serial killing hooker back in the 1940s or is this coming as a shock to you?”
How many times can you hear “yep, your grandpa is here in the room and says he’s all jiggy on the other side?” without being suspicious?
Hollywood anecdote: this was in a bio I read of Groucho Marx many years ago and I’m not sure of its validity. Groucho was a skeptic by nature but his brother Chico was always falling for get rich quick schemes and hustlers. During the 1940s a self-style clairvoyant was becoming very popular in Hollywood and had a large following of celebrities including Chico. In fact, her real talent was for self promotion and for hiring really excellent researchers; before anybody of any fame came to see her she’d know their great-great-grandmother’s maiden name and which shade of Clairol their mom once used, and Groucho suspected this.
By the time Groucho finally agreed to go see the woman she was an expert on the topic of Minnie Marx and could have written a biography of the Marx brothers mentioning things even they’d forgotten. Groucho took his seat, the medium told him his mother’s spirit was in the room, and he immediately asked “Ask ma 'what’s the capital of North Dakota? She’ll know that because she’s been there.” According to Groucho, the shuffling of reference books by the medium’s assistance was literally audible in the background in the silence that followed.
