Well, i don’ t hate the town itself. But I don’t want to go back there for various reasons. I am bitter about some things that happened to me in the past, but its not the town itself. But my hometown is so different to me now than it was when I left that I no longer feel familiar with it anyway.
I spoke with an old friend last night on the phone. we laughed and joked about old times and he asked me when I was planning on coming home again. My answer was “Probably never, unless a funeral or some kind of emergency occurs.”. He was shocked but understands. I don’t have any close relatives in my home town anymore and reasons to be a bit bitter about it.
my cousin called me today, and he asked the same thing. I told him the same answer in a less blunt way…because despite some issues I had with him, we were close. Also on some ways he unknowingly made me want to leave town 20 years ago. Its was ironic to me that he called me to vent about things he didn’t like about the folks we know since the things he complained about were the same things he did when he lived with me for awhile. I’d have to go through a long post on my life to put things in context, so instead here are some of the highlights:
**My cousin compalined that since he doesn’t have a vehicle right now he has to depend on friends for rides, but none of them are dependable. they may or may not show up to pick you up. **Yeah, I know. Boy do I know. I had a friend whose car broke down and he could not get to work. So I offered to give him a ride until his car was fixed. He made little to no effort in making that a priority and got upset with me when after 2 weeks of taking him to work at fucking 4 AM i told him I couldn’t do it anymore. (Do I have to mention he grudginglu only partially paid for gas when i insisted considering his place of work was like 30 fuckin’ miles out of my way to work…in the opposite direction!)you know, because I had a job too and a life. this same guy said he’d pick me up at the bus station years later the first time I came home on leave from Fort Campbell. He wasn’t there. When I called him he said he was sleeping and I should wait until the morning and then he’d be there. It was 11 PMthe time we had agreed upon when he said he’d pick me up. i told him i’d take a cab which would have been expensive, but if I did that he’d better be invisible during my leave or I’d knock his teeth out. He picked me up. So he’s gutless and undependable. And ungrateful. I helped him out of a jam, but he can’t freakin’ pick me up? Its not like he was a random friend either. I’d known this guy my entire life. We were supposedly “good friends”. Guess i learned what thats worth in my hometown.
Thats just an example. But I learned long ago that only 2 or three people from my old home are to be trusted to do something even that simple.
My cousin is staying with his brother, who is shady enough that I don’t interact with him unless i have to. The few times i did I always regretted it. he now compalins that he wants his own place (he is on disability) but the section 8 folks have had him on hold for months. I declined to remind him that he had an apartment to himslef on section 8 paying ridiculously low rent, less than his share when he lived with me, and got kicked out for not paying it. Now he thinks they’re gonna jump through hoops to help him again?
I mentioned two other relatives he could ask to put him up for awhile. Now I wouldn’t live with them, but I am not him. One is a gossippy old shrew, who spends all of her meager social security or whatever on slot machines and the lotto…enough that her electricity is frequently turned off. The other is a cousin close to my age, that is always always drunk. He’s living in his grandparents home, they are deceased. but he’s lived there his entire life. I love the guy, we were close a kids, but he’s got issues. Not because of his grandparents, but because he has done little but party for the past 20 years, and he only has a job because his mother got him one. She has a fairly high position…as in director of…a government agency. He always tells me to get out of the military and his mom will help me gat a job. No thanks, bro…I got what i have by working for it. He’s not a bad guy, but I think he’s seeing how he hasn’t really done anything in his life and its making him drink even more than usual if reports from home are true.
**
When I worked at the Pentagon I lived relatively close to home.** I could drive there in a few hours but I stopped doing that. (I would go to Philadelphia to visit my uncle. He was too old to drive and he always looked out for me when my folks died. It was an honor to visit him) But none of my other relatives or friends from home EVER came to see me. they always expected me to come to them. some even came to DC for a trip but never contacted me when they were here or told me they were coming. But come the holidays or summer when they were having a BBQ they wanted me to drive to them. I refused. I had one friend (the guy that I spoke to last night) that made the effort. He was the only one I visited when I came back from Europe the 2nd time. When I was a recruiter in NJ, it was the same.
So like I told my friend, *(and I will go to see him when time allows. Hell, he’s already planned a trip to see me.) *i’m not enthusiastic about seeing Newark, Delaware again. Yes, I have a few people I’d like to see there, but most that I knew back then are petty, selfish, undependable and will hit me up for money if I show my face. Its 2009 almost and they’re in a time loop.
I won’t say I’m not bitter. when my folks died i was all alone and I can count on one hand the friends that actually helped me out when they saw i was suffering through some rough times. The others…well, i had a lot of fair weather friends. They can kiss my ass.