No, not that little thing. Real fear.
Terror.
Life-collapsing-to-rubble-and despair horror.
In my life I have:
Taken a knife away from a would-be mugger. That fear was small and sharp and had an edge of excitement.
Been beaten with a metal pipe. That fear was distant and fluffy and overridden by embarrassment.
Gone into a burning car to retrieve medical supplies for a stranger. That fear was vague and polite and tinged with annoyance.
None of those count. Those were concern, caution, risk analysis. This is fear.
Baby Mundi is 2 months old. Last week, I tripped over one of the dogs while walking baby. I didn’t fall, but baby’s head hit the side of the door frame. He started to cry.
I’m thinking, “Shit – that was stupid. Now baby will be angry and hurt and screaming and I’ll have to walk him and soothe him and try to make him feel better.” Then baby stopped crying.
And stopped moving.
Aaahhhhhhh!
He was still breathing, but he wasn’t conscious. He didn’t react to pressure on his limbs. He didn’t react to noise. He didn’t react to a cool cloth on his face.
Aaahhhhhhh!
I called the doctor. They said take him to th eemergency room. I called Mrs Mundi because she had the car. I called the emergency rooms to find one with a pediatrician on duty. I spent the drive to the hospital in back with the baby, trying desperately to evoke a response. And being terrified.
That fear. Fear that every hope and every dream and everything vital and joyous and important in my life was in jeapordy. The fear that has no neck to grasp, no challenge to overcome, no action to bring release. The fear that knows you are helpless and twists in your belly just because it can. That fear. It is mine, now. I am its.
It held me as the doctors examined my son, and it laughed when they told me he would be fine. It new better. It taunted me for the next 48 hours while we watched baby obsessively, checking for the warning signs on the little laminated card, while we wondered if he was sleeping more than before, while we worried that he wasn’t playing as much as he used to.
Baby seems fine now. He laughs, he plays, he fills my life with joy. But the fear hasn’t gone away. Sure, it’s quiet now. It doesn’t stomp on my intestines and laugh at my helplessness. But it’s still here, waiting. I can see it sometimes out of the corner of my heart. It has found a home, and it isn’t going to leave.
Fuck!