I know my baby is adorable...please stop asking how old or threatening to kidnap him

[Pai325]

@Gus_Gusterson

When my kids were babies I was stopped a few times by people who said, “Those can’t be your babies.” The first time I was really thrown and I asked what the hell they were talking about. They explained that the kids have blue eyes and I have brown eyes so they figured that they weren’t my kids.

First, how the hell did you notice that? Do you take stock of the eye color of everyone you see? One elderly couple made this observation from about 10 feet away. That’s impressive for old geezers. Musta been snipers in WWII.

Second, contrary to what you may have been taught in your third grade science class, a brown-eyed parent can indeed have blue-eyed offspring. It’s unusual but it happens. My wife has blue eyes and there was a 12.5% chance that our child would have blue eyes. We beat the odds twice.

Third, it’s just a stupid thing to say to someone. What if they were adopted?

The second time it happened I was prepared. “Those beautiful blue-eyed babies can’t be yours.” “Oh shit, I took the wrong kids from the playground. Gotta go!”

I was taught in elementary school that it’s the blue eyed parents who won’t have a brown eyed child. There isn’t anything unusual about brown eyed parents and blue eyed children. You must run into a lot of unusual people, or else they think they’re being cute the same way a brown haired parent gets teased about a blonde child. Which is also not unusual. Almost all of my daughter’s friends were blonde until they turned ten or so. However the girls all seemed to go blonde again about five years later.

[Morgenstern]

Here’s some questions and or comments that might pass with the OP’s approval.

1. Are both his feet webbed?
2. Does the doctor think surgery is necessary?
3. Is he always cross-eyed?
4. Does he always smell this bad?
5. How is his mother taking this?

Come to think about it, just asking if you’re the dad doesn’t seem that bad after all.

[Flyer]

A lot of married couples must be cannibals, too–the way they keep calling each other honey, sugar, etc.

It’s no wonder that so many people like to eat babies.

[tapu]

So ANYWAY, it was Bishop Desmond Tutu and…

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@tapu

So ANYWAY, it was Bishop Desmond Tutu and…

No, it was Ann Sexton!

(You’re right–that’s a tragic story, and I wince as I empathize.)

[MandaJo]

@Chronos

Nitpick: Given that you have brown eyes and your wife has blue, if it’s possible at all, then the odds would be 50%. The fact that you have brown eyes means you either have two copies of the brown gene, or one copy each of brown and blue. If you had two copies of brown, then all your children would be brown, regardless of their mother’s eyes, so the fact that you have any blue-eyed children at all means that you have one copy each. Your wife, with blue eyes, must have two copies of the blue-eyed gene. So your kids definitely get a blue gene from their mother, and either a brown or a blue from you.

Except that eye color is actually governed by a whole set of genes, so it’s more complex than what’s illustrated in high school biology textbooks.

[Gus_Gusterson]

@Chronos

Nitpick: Given that you have brown eyes and your wife has blue, if it’s possible at all, then the odds would be 50%. The fact that you have brown eyes means you either have two copies of the brown gene, or one copy each of brown and blue. If you had two copies of brown, then all your children would be brown, regardless of their mother’s eyes, so the fact that you have any blue-eyed children at all means that you have one copy each. Your wife, with blue eyes, must have two copies of the blue-eyed gene. So your kids definitely get a blue gene from their mother, and either a brown or a blue from you.

You may be right, which makes it even sillier that people point out the disparity. I must have misunderstood something I read about eye color and it was reinforced by the fact that none of my siblings, first cousins (discounting the adopted ones), or nephews and nieces have blue eyes even though several of them have a parent with blue eyes. Of those people, there are 15 with one blue-eyed parent and one brown-eyed parent. Our two children are the only offspring with blue eyes. By my calculation, that means that 13.33% of the offspring of blue/brown parents in my family have blue eyes. That was close enough to convince me that the 12.5% chance that I apparently mistakenly understood to be the odds was indeed correct.

[Leaffan]

@Drunky_Smurf

Just count your blessings that they are only threatening to kidnap your baby. Two of my three children were actually kidnapped. The boy we found murdered on the side of a country road a few weeks later and the girl is still missing 2 years later.

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Are you serious?

@Drunky_Smurf

Are you?

@Skald_the_Rhymer

I was asking, not mocking.

@Left_Hand_of_Dorkness

Drunky Smurf is never as serious as his username sounds.

Drunky Smurf, it appears that you were trying to be funny here, but that’s not cool. I’m not junior modding, I’m just pointing out that your post was actually upsetting to some of us. Not a very nice joke.

[Omega_Glory]

@Pai325

I was taught in elementary school that it’s the blue eyed parents who won’t have a brown eyed child.

This isn’t true, either. So, don’t make assumptions about the blue eyed parents with the brown eyed baby (not that you would. Just tying things back into the the topic)

[Zsofia]

@Morgenstern

Here’s some questions and or comments that might pass with the OP’s approval.

1. Are both his feet webbed?
2. Does the doctor think surgery is necessary?
3. Is he always cross-eyed?
4. Does he always smell this bad?
5. How is his mother taking this?

Come to think about it, just asking if you’re the dad doesn’t seem that bad after all.

Ours does always smell that bad. (He’s a really spitty baby. He smells good after a bath, but if he’s had a really bad day and we ran out of clothes to change him in he smells like a pet store with really lazy employees.)

[msmith537]

@Eliahna

I find this rant to be a thinly veiled stealth brag so I offer the appropriate response:

Oh, that sure must be one super cute baby. Pix please!

If by “stealth” you mean “shock and awe”, then yes.

It’s not really meant to be an angry rant or anything. Just a collection of funny comments related to our baby.

@Revtim

Thankfully, my baby is ugly as fuck.

If you want an adorable baby, it helps to start with adorable parents.

@Inna Minnit

You don’t know how old your baby is? How… odd.

Of course I know. It’s meant to be an odd response. Like I either stole the

Also, please don’t eat me baby!

[HipGnosis]

@msmith537

If you want an adorable baby, it helps to start with adorable parents.

Our oldest was often asked “How’d you get so cute?”, so I taught her to say ‘selective breeding’, when she was 2.
She’s been articulate and cute ever since.

[Sampiro]

I haven’t asked about a baby’s age/weight/kidnappability or anything, but upon occasion and upon learning that a man is expecting a baby I have asked if I could feel his stomach. I figure it balances the universe a little and makes one less time his wife will get that request.

[amaguri]

I genuinely couldn’t care less about your* kid, but I say these cliched things when you parade your child around because I don’t know what else to say and it seems like SOMETHING is expected.

• That’s the general you, not the specific OP

[saje]

@Skald_the_Rhymer

Healthy human babies are the most beautiful things in the world.

Beauty is very obviously in the eye of the beholder - because… just… No.

[Drunky_Smurf]

@Leaffan

Not a very nice joke.

That was not a joke. Once there was this old lady at the grocery store who said, “Oh your baby is so cute I could just eat him right up.” And then she did. Which although was very sad it did save me a lot of money because babies are expensive.

[Kinthalis]

I don’t really care or mind the comments about the cute little guy.

But touching crosses a line. Do NOT touch my baby.

[VinylTurnip]

@Kinthalis

I don’t really care or mind the comments about the cute little guy.

But touching crosses a line. Do NOT touch my baby.

I won’t start something, but if that baby comes at me, I’m dropping the human mask of civilization and then all bets are off.

[Zsofia]

What if it just vomits on you? I’m asking because of, um, curiosity.

[Kinthalis]

@VinylTurnip

I won’t start something, but if that baby comes at me, I’m dropping the human mask of civilization and then all bets are off.

That’s different. I wouldn’t blame you. Whatever he bites, it’s coming off.