Book smart doesn’t mean anything. I’ve known engineers with advanced graduate degrees with jack all in social skills, or frankly knowledge in anything other than their field. (I am not slamming engineers–I have met people with advanced degrees in all kinds of stuff who were dumb as bricks otherwise.) So just because you are in your last year of an electrical engineering degree doesn’t necessarily mean you’re intelligent.
Emotional intelligence and social skills, one would imagine, would dictate that one does not malign one’s spouse on a message board by calling them stupid, irresponsible, etc.
It’s hard enough finding someone who will put up with your crap for five years and occasionally let you see them naked. Get over yourself and treat her nice.
OP, I don’t know what to tell you. I guess this is why people caution young folk not to get married so soon.
Maybe it is because she is a dim bulb, but also consider that you have been exposed to different things. If you had not gone to school, maybe the two of you would be on the same plane. In other words, maybe she’s not as stupid as she is unpolished. All she needs is the same kind of experiences that you’ve had, and maybe you’d be more compatible.
Or not. I don’t know. I don’t know what it is that makes young people race to get married. But obviously it was something. So I would try to hold onto that and hope it gets you through the years. Maybe you can find a good bud who shares your intellect or something.
You are fumbling the ball so hard engineer and you don’t even know it.
I’m not all that smart, but overall I was more broadly read, more intellectually curious and had a larger vocabulary than my ex. She was well read in some areas like art history, but never had the communication or analytical skills to do much with that interest.
When she would be childish or irresponsible or willfully clueless (sometimes about important stuff) I would go off and let her know I thought her behavior was stupid. I never called her inherently dumb or intellectually lacking, but I would call her actions idiotic. We had lots of other issues, but the negative attitude I developed over time that I was saddled with someone who I would have to drag through life vs being a proactive partner who could help get things done did not help. It poisoned the relationship.
The interesting thing was that although she she was a huge procrastinator and not proactive about much of anything while married, during and after the divorce she was a “can-do” person taking care of business, however she reverted to her old habits within a year after the divorce. While we were getting divorced she was a lot more attractive to me than when we were married.
Anyway… in the hindsight of years I realize I never should have married her in the first place, but I also realized I had no cause or justification for believing that I was intellectually superior to her. All the things I cited above re intellectual markers were things I valued. I did not look at things from her perspective. What if I dated someone who looked down on me because my knowledge of their speciality was limited?
People in technical occupations have a huge tendency to do this, the truth is that engineers (as an example) are some of the most clueless people in the world about a number of common sense skills people need to be successful in business or relationships, but you don’t see this until it’s far too late.
Disparaging someone (even silently) because they do not share the same intellectual outlook or interests you do is mind poison. In the end, and with hindsight, if I had to weight the relative value of being a good mother and keeping a clean house vs being an intellectual powerhouse I’m not sure the “intellectual powerhouse” side of the scale would win.
You got married way too young. Getting married in high school is like trying to tailor a groom’s tuxedo decades in advance while he is still a toddler and hoping for a perfect fit. It’s possible, but highly unlikely.
Just get a divorce. Given the OP, it’s pretty much inevitable. Staying with someone you’re not compatible with for the sake of the kids is a great way to show your kids what a bitter, loveless marriage looks like, but not much else.
So you’ve been going to school, meeting new people, tackling challenging new environments, and getting a free pass to spend time reading books and learning new things.
Meanwhile she’s been pregnant and taking care of babies and toddlers.
Get the crap over yourself. You got married too young and had kids too young; you aren’t the brightest bulb in the room either.
Heh, the sad thing is that you’re all totally right. I’m lucky to have my wife and don’t know why she puts up with me. I’ve had doctors and teachers tell me my whole life that I’m some sort of genius, but I feel like a fucking idiot most of the time. He’ll, the only reason I’ve got the self worth that I have is because of my wife. People are surprised that she is my wife when they find out, almost like they are shocked she can put up with me.
Have any of you just felt like you’re comepletely alone even though you’re surrounded by people? It sorta gets to me sometimes. To be honest I don’t even know why I started is thread. I’m tired and angry and I’m venting it out on my wife undeservingly.
Thanks for all you’re comments and posts. Sometimes I need someone to tell me I’m being a big fat asshole.
I don’t think you’re an asshole. Whether your wife is stupid is kind of irrelevant. Simply speaking, you aren’t feeling like you two are compatible any more. That’s not a trivial thing.
I don’t know about anyone else, but if I was in a relationship, I would never start a thread literally calling my wife/girlfriend stupid. What if the OP’s wife actually sees this? I don’t know, but it seems like a rather risky move and I don’t know how the OP had enough guts to do it.
Also, thanks monstro for further explaining the Socrates quote for me.
There’s a huge difference between intellect and education. People confuse them all the time.
As for vocabulary, plenty of smart people would have trouble understanding things that are familiar to a fourth-year engineering student. Your wife probably is smarter than either of you think.
I can’t say anything about you in particular but being a genius and a fucking idiot are not mutually incompatible. Intelligences can be pretty narrow sometimes. I am smarter than my wife in some ways, and she is smarter than me in many other ways – I may not meet the genius in anything part of the equation, but the fucking idiot in some ways I got down. 28 years now, far from the perfect relationship I am sure, but very aware that she is my better in many many ways.
Certain of your interests will not be shared with your wife. Certain of her interests will not be shared by you. That much is fine. You are different people, different strengths, different weaknesses, hopefully greater for how you complement each other. But you need to either find ways to have some interests (other than your kids) that you do share, ways to enjoy each others’ company, and the habit of letting each other know how much you appreciate the other and why, or you are in for a long hard unhappy marriage. (Said as someone still working on doing that better.)
I think my favorite posts are the ones where people have there own little stories about me and my wife’s life. They can berate me and feel ok with it due to these little stories. You’re the reason so many smart people have confidence issues. We know we’re smarter than others, but god forbid we even make that knowledge public. Guess what, some people are smart, some people are dumb. Mistaking a good memory with intelligence is why you have idiots with PhDs.
When I was younger, I considered all sorts of things as important for a future mate. They had to have a good sense of humor, compassionate, attractive to me, ambitious in some sense and highly intelligent. And don’t get me wrong, if I were back on the market, I’m sure those things would still be important. But twenty years into my marriage, I’ve learned there’s some things I didn’t look for that now I’d deem necessary…
How loyal is he? If life knocks him down, how does he deal with that and how soon can he recover? Is he adventurous? Can he laugh at himself? Admit wrong doing? Will he continue to learn as he ages? How will our libidos meet up over time? How loyal and understanding is he? Etc., etc, etc.
My husband already does line up on some of these issues, but my point is that when I was younger and getting hitched, I had no idea what circumstances (in our case, mental illness and chronic health problems) could thrust us into and what sort of mettle would be needed. You may want to throw her over now because she’s not stimulating you enough intellectually, but in reality, what you’ll eventually value may place her as the best choice ever. She may totally step up to the plate raising your children. Seeing you through college. Putting up with your shit when absolutely no one else would.
So, my advice to you would be to get some perspective. Sometimes what’s immediate can be the least interesting part of someone. Just my .02¢. Good luck.
I’m a software developer and network admin. My g/f may not know everything about what I’m talking about, but she’s a graphic designer and amazes me with what she can do with that.
Try to talk about things that interest her, and maybe you’ll find something that amazes you about HER!
