This is the continuing tale of the 5 year romance between Quasi and uh, Esmerelda (for want of a more pit-like name - I am a gentleman after all!).
So anyway, she wants to move down to Tampa because her sister has inherited a house from an older gentleman who didn’t have anyone else to leave it to.
“I never made you any promises, Bill!”
Well yeah, that’s fine honey, but why lower the boom now and why tell me you don’t want to break things off with me because you love me? Sounds to me like the writing’s on the wall and I’ve received my relationship “death sentence” with 2 years to “appeal”.
Her chilldren live here, her granchildren live here, and I (purportedly the man she loves) live here. What am I missing here, young’uns?
When I made the offer to relocate and work down there, I got only silence. So… Plan B: There’s really no reason for me to stay here either. I had hoped to one day retire with her in Germany, but it doesn’t look like that’s in the stars, so why not get my duckies in a row and start now making plans to move back home?
We have a saying down here in the south: “This beats all I’ve ever seen!” Well, she started the clock ticking, and I don’t wanna wait around for the boom. Am I wrong?
I totally understand what you mean. I dated a guy for three years that I was totally in love with, we had a great relationship, but it was pretty much doomed from the beginning since he was desperate to leave North America and wasn’t willing to marry me to take me with him. I of course knew this, but for some reason thought I could change his mind. When someone says something like that, you know what their priorities are and that you aren’t very high on them. If you’ve been together for five years, are you sure this isn’t just some ploy to get you to ask her to marry you? I could be mistaken of course, but I’m trying to think of this from a less atypical female point of view. (I fully never expect to be married, myself.) I don’t think you are wrong at all for wanting to sever the relationship now (if that is indeed what you are contemplating.)
I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you. It sucks, big time. Right now I’m seeing someone who, from all appearances, seems to be deathly afraid of commitment in any shape or form (though I don’t expect him to cheat on me or anything like that.) I do confess that his main appeal to me at this moment is that he has recently purchased a home and owns a cat which are generally signs that the person in question is not going anywhere anytime soon.
I would say that if you honestly want to move home, do it. The thing you probably should not do is to make a move based solely on emotion. I think it could be a bad idea to move in order to “send a message”, or as a reaction. I suppose this would be a good time to reevaluate your relationship and decide what you want and what you will accept in terms of commitment.
Well, in a way, it’s a blessing – I mean, you do have some idea what the future holds. Do you think you would prefer if she made the plans in her head, but didn’t tell you until 2 years from now?
Yumanite, I am trying to see this whole thing through your eyes, and you have a very valid point: It would hurt like hell to find out 2 years from now that she was suddenly planning on moving away.
However, my point (and I think you are seeing mine as well) is that the best thing to do is to break off the relationship now rather than letting it go on and being unhappy as I watch the clock and the calendar pages falling away. I think that is asking way too much of me.
jacksen9, thanks for the reminder. Yes, I am bitter right now, but I think I might use it to finally get my head out of my ass and get things moving toward a new life.
I love her and it has been a stormy relationship. I do not doubt that she loves me, but she has made a choice and now I have to make one. I’m sorry I asked her if she wanted me to relocate. Neither of us has plans to marry. We just wanted to be life-partners (both in our early 50’s). I should have done the noble thing and remained quiet.
Birthday is coming up. Her gifts have been bought, so now what is the etiquette? Do I give them to her or return them? One thing I’m sure glad about: I was going to have a tattoo of a purple rose put on my chest for her (it’s her favorite flower). I’m damn glad I waited.
jinwicked, thanks hon. I wish you the best of luck with your new guy. No she doesn’t wanna marry me.
Well that totally sucks! I don’t know that I’d go out and break up with her tomorrow, but it sure has to change the way you feel. I definitely wouldn’t wait two years to see if she changes her mind. That’s two years of your life that you could be enjoying. If you told her you would move with her and she didn’t answer, it’s evident that she doesn’t intent to make a future with you. And no I don’t think she’s holding out for marriage.
Take your time, don’t do anything drastic for a few weeks. Give yourself time to adjust to her announcement. Then you decide what you want for your life and do it. Seems like she’s already decided what she wants to do with hers. I’m sorry, you’re a really nice guy.
Quasimodem, you have my sympathy - this is a pretty severe emotional blow.
I think that talking honestly about this would be a great help to both of you, although I understand that this may be very difficult to do. Have you considered counseling of some sort? If you cannot find a good couples counselor, and/or she is not willing to try it, getting some counseling on your own might be helpful. If nothing else, a therapist may be able to help you develop more honest and open communication with your friend so that the two of you can discover what is really going on here.
If this is not an option, I’m in favor of ending the relationship now, and getting on with your life. Otherwise, I think the next two years will end up being unpleasant for both of you, and the two of you may end up playing ‘control games’ that will hurt you both. I have to admit, I don’t understand why your friend would tell you she is leaving in two years - either she is very confused herself, or, as someone else said, she is manipulating you into making some sort of commitment. Let me add that she may not be doing this consciously and with any intent to cause any pain. What does she expect these next two years to be like now? They are certainly not going to just continue on in the same way as previous to her announcement.
But please consider counseling before calling it quits; it’s a shame to end a good relationship without making every reasonable effort to sort things out.
Quasimodem, I’m sorry if I sounded unsympathetic. Your feelings are perfectly understandable and entirely warranted. I think you understood my point, though – I’m assuming your SO is essentially a decent person who loves you, and in this case, it seems reasonable to me that once she made a decision about what she wanted in regards to the future, she kind of lobbed the ball to you in terms of what you wanted to do with it. Maybe not the best option, but I can kinda see where it might come from.
To be honest, I really think that it would be best for you to get out now. If you offered to relocate, and were met with silence, the message seems pretty clear. Life is too short to spend around folks that don’t want you.
Sure, there may be more going on here. And it never hurts to open dialog, but in the end it seems like she has already made a choice for a life that does not have you in it. If you leave now, you will at least walk away with a little pride left.
On a more personal note, you have my sympathy and support for something that must hurt a lot.
God Quasi, this thread is right up my alley too. IMNSHO? Do NOT stay around and have hope kill your heart for the next 2 years. Move on now.
I have a similar decision in my relationship going on. I’ve loved my bf for years and though he loves me, he’s always had one foot out the door hoping to complete some sort of quest, or unspoken unfinished business in his life, that he’s never quite been able to name.
So, he committed to me, but physically only, it finally got to be too much and I’m moving on.
So, maybe it’s just because I’m too close to a similar situation, but don’t stay, go now. Don’t let her hurt you anymore.
All good advice, and I appreciate y’all for taking the trouble to answer.
There are a couple more additions to this little tale: one kinda unfortunate and the other bittersweet.
The first is that I work at the same hospital as my present SO, on the same shift, so that means we’ll be passing each other a lot in the hallways and interacting in patient care.
The other is that a lady whom I also know from the same hospital (I don’t get out much:D) has indicated very frankly that she is interested in a relationship with me. That’s the bittersweet part: Firstly, because I can’t return that interest while I am still involved with my SO, and secondly why start something with someone else when I might be leaving? It’s nice to know what I’m attractive to someone else, however.
I think the Mordred character said it best in Camelot when he cackled: “What a delicious dilemma!” (or saomething to that effect)
Like I said before, this stormy love has been going on a long time and we’ve always come through and grown stronger. I just don’t think I’m up for it this time though.
I’d try to have a talk with her to figure out what, exactly, is going on here. If satisfactory answers didn’t come quickly and naturally, I’d clear out. No way should you spend two years dreading “The Day Of Moving”.
Just how much can you mean to her if she makes a plan like this? Ask her “WTF?”
Argh. I’m sorry, Quasimodem. Breaking off a relationship sucks the big one. I think you might be wise to do it now, though. In my experience, resentment will only grow over those two years while you’re waiting for her to leave. I don’t mean to be harsh, but this:
kind of backs up your desire to break it off and go home.
Is there any chance this is just a flight-of-fancy? You know, those “Hey! I’m moving to Tampa!” and then forgotten tomorrow thing?
Whatever the case, hang in there. You’re obviously quite a catch.
I don’t think so, but here’s hoping… her new little grandson has Cystic Fibrosis, however, and she dotes on him. She also told me once she would never move far away from her kids and grandkids, because “they are my life”. Well, I was kinda hoping to be in that life somewhere, but she’s a fantastic lady, and I would never insist on a thing like that. Also I don’t know if she considers Tampa “far away”, but at the time she said that, she was talking about not moving permanently to her condo on Tybee island for that reason. At this point I am more confused and hurt to be able to make much sense out of what she’s saying. I just know I have to try to save this if I can.
Quasi I don’t have much to add, except my sympathy and to point out that maybe this relationship is ending so that you have room to bring something else into your life that in the end will bring you more happiness.
I think you have to tell her what you’ve told us: “Look honey, you seem to have given our relationship a two-year countdown, and if that’s what you want then I have to say I’m outta here.”
The sooner the better. This gives her all the opportunity she needs to correct any misconceptions you may have (and I’m not saying you have any).
I think this is what your OP indicated you would be doing, so in answer to your question: no, you are not one tiny bit wrong.
I wouldn’t return the gifts, I would still give them to her. I would follow up on the women that has shown interest and persue it. Why? Because you’re entitled to make decisions that are going to work for you, clearly the woman you’re with is doing the same thing. Take advantage of the oppotunity while you can because the only thing that’s stopping you is because somehow you believe things are going to turn out differently. Assume things will go as planned and take advantage of opportunities that are presented to you.
