In my opinion, for what its worth, is go. Why? Because your SO has given a finite deadline to the relationship and she hasn’t shown interest in you moving to be part of her new life. You could hang on, hoping that she’ll change her mind or that something will happen and she’ll say, yes yes move with me. And that could happen I suppose. Alternatively (and the more possbile route I’m afraid) is that you’ll hang on and hang on for the 2 years, then she leaves and you’re left sitting there saying what the hell was I thinking…
I broke up with my bf because I couldn’t see us having a long term outcome - I wanted marriage and kids and he didn’t. Sure there were other things too but, ultimately, our problem was that I just didn’t see that we would be together into the long term. It hurts to think that - I invested 18 months of my life into this relationship and gave 200% to it… but I had to realise that it was going nowhere fast and I was getting more and more down and depressed that it wasn’t what I needed it to be.
Now I sit and wait for time to heal my wounds - which I know it will … I’m still only in my second week of it so its all very raw still (mostly I’m just angry now - at life primarily) but I know that’ll change… eventually.
All I can say is that I’d rather be free to see what life has to offer me than be in a relationship that has no future. Given I’m 35 and not getting any younger here, I need to give myself the opportunity to seek out the life I want - as hard as it may be to go now.
So my advice is go now - in the short term, it’ll hurt like a b*stard … but in the long term I think you could be happier for it. That said, only you know your relationship and your feelings - don’t rush into it … make an honest, truthful decision in terms of you, your current and future life and your relationship.
Wishing you all the very best {{{{{{{{{{Quasi}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Put me in the “pick up and move out at your own pace” category. You definitely want to be out of there in the next 3-4 months, but if you see a good place to buy/rent in the next two weeks, why wait?
Something screwy is surely going on with your SO, as evidenced by the “I’ll never move far from my kids and grandkids” followed by this urge to head off to Tampa. But if things have been stormy all along, then it really sounds like it’s time for her to deal with it herself.
I’d return the birthday presents, and buy her a card.
Oh yeah, if you guys have a spare room (office, guest bedroom, whatever) in the place you’re sharing now, I’d suggest that you turn it into your bedroom and ‘move out’ of the master bedroom. It’ll get the message across to her right away that she can’t take you for granted as the clock ticks down, and it sounds like this is a message that she needs to really hear.
God, that sucks! I really feel for you, Quasimodem.
I’d say your Plan B is the way to go. I sort of agree with the folks who’ve said that at least you can plan ahead, now. But, it strikes me that what she did was awfully coldhearted. Honest, yes, but very cold and calculating.
Quasi, my comrade! I’m sorry to hear of this development. In typical MeanJoe fashion:
boot to the arse
Alright son, let’s take stock here shall we?
a.) She has given you a time limit of 2 years.
b.) She has shown no interest in you joining her in Tampa.
c.) You have had a 5 year, self-described rocky relationship.
What particularly are you wanting to fight for here? What could be? From what she has told you, you know what will be.
You’ve done a lot of positive things in your life recently to look and feel better about yourself. Fight for those things, protect those things, know that you deserve better than what the next 2 years promise and although it will hurt - walk away with love and regretting nothing. Don’t be willing to be a part of a prolonged, 2 year Relationship Death March.
Of course, I will disclaimer this by saying that only you know the entire history and depth of each of your feelings and the value of the dreams you’ve shared. My advice is that of an outsider, I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make and you’ll get no criticism from me.
MeanJoe
Sorry, guys! For some reason I must’ve misunderstood a couple of your answers. We don’t share a place. She lives in a trailer next to her kids’ trailer and I live in my own apartment. We had just been going to each others’ and spending the night/weekend. By mutual agreement (perhaps due to our both being in our 50’s and having lived alone for so long) we agreed that we would not move in with each other.
So you see, the times that I get to see her at work, and when we’re both off (We don’t have the same schedule, except for two nights a week) are times that I treasure(d).
Y’all haven’t mentioned this yet (and I thank you and love you for it), but you’re probably thinking I’m being cheated on, and this is a clever way of her booting me out of her life. That is simply not the case, and I’m not in denial. I know that she loves me, and we pretty much keep tabs on each other and have mutual friends,who, although they would hate being caught in the middle, would jump in and let one or the other of us know if they suspected we were cheating.
I’m almost there, y’all. We’re supposed to talk on the phone tonight. (She and the kids are in Myrtle Beach for the week). Please keep me in your thoughts , and pray that I don’t turn into some kind of gibbering/blubbering idiot. I thank my bro MeanJoe (the ass-kicker of the SDMB Weight Loss Club) for the boot, and I thank everyone of y’all for your friendship.
This reminds of a friend of my mum’s. He was given six months notice that he was going to be laid off. Either he could leave now and take severance, or keep working for six months and get severance.
He chose to work for six months. Everyone I have ever met or told this story to thinks he is a fucking loon.
Esmeralda has said she’s leaving you in two years. This ain’t no test of Job, this is her being a woman and trying to let you down easy. Cut your losses, Quasi.
Hang in there, Quasimodem. I think everyone has been giving you some good advice. If you know that the relationship has a two year time limit, then maybe it is time to end it, especially if has been rocky. Sometimes teh short term hurt of ending a relationship is worth the aggravation of a rocky relationship with a two year time limit.
It really isn’t the fault of either person if a relationship ends. Sometimes life and situations pull you in different directions. I don’t believe in the saying that there is that special someone for everyone. I believe that there are plently of people with whom you are compatible with and can be happy with.
Take care of yourself and do what you think is best for yourself. If you don’t think and take care of your needs, no one else will.
<hijack>
Barbarian, given the choice of quit now and take severance, or be laid off in six months and take severance, I think that I would work for six months while trying to find another job. It’s always easier to find a job if you have a job.
<end hijack>
Yeah, shitty situation, dude. Get your thoughts and your life in order, make sure of the different paths that are available, and make a choice. Be sure to ask the questions you feel you need to ask, 'cuz you will have a lot of doubts creeping into your head over the next few months as you try to sort things out. Be careful and good luck!!
“Can’t we wait till I get home from vacation so we can have a friendly discussion about this?”
'Why can’t you just enjoy the time we have left together?"
And the ever-popular “I never made you any promises!”
So when she gets home from vacation, I guess we will have a friendly discussion, face to face.
Oh yeah. Before the hanging up of the phone: “I love you, Bill.”
In retrospect, I guess I could have broken up with her on the phone, but would I want that done to me?
If any lady dopers are following this thread, have you ever had someone like me that you tried to let down easy, and did it always work for you, or did you “create” situations whereby he would leave you, thereby achieving the desired result? Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t knock the technique if he was cheating on you or treating you like dirt, and you found someone you liked better. I’m just wondering if this is justified in my case?
I’ve never done anything like that, Quasi, but I dated a man once who tried to get away with doing that to me. But I beat him at his own game. Once it finally dawned on me that he was trying to manipulate me into breaking up with him by being an asshole, I simply confronted him (and yes, it was even on the phone!) and I was relentless in not letting him off the hook. The conversation went something like this…
Me: What do you want from me, Brad?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Well, what do you want from this relationship?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Where do you see it going?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Where would you like it to go?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Well, you’re going to have to figure it out sometime and I’m not hanging up until you give me a straight answer. So what do you want to do?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Well, what do you want me to do?
Him: I don’t know.
This went on for a full half hour, I kid you not!
Until he finally relented and, beaten and exhausted, said…
Him: Well, sometimes I wish I didn’t have a girlfriend anymore.
Me: Well that can be easily arranged! Voila! You don’t have a girlfriend anymore. Now see how easy that was?! You could’ve saved yourself a lot of time! Your loss, though. Ta ta!
I felt SO good after that phone call!
I wish you the best of luck. Either way, it sure sounds to me like you’re better off without this woman. Have you gotten a reply from that job placement agency in Germany yet?
Sounds like she wants to “have her cake and eat it too.” Continue the mostly comfortable relationship that she’s used to (you said it’s been rocky at times, but at least she knows what to expect), and then a clean break from it when she’s good and ready, moving to a new city and new life. IMO, if she responded with silence to your offer to follow her down there, she’s just using you.
My ex also acted like a jerk to get me to break it off with him, rather than sucking it up and telling me that he no longer had the same feelings for me. (I’m not quite sure if that’s the same thing here though; it really does sound like she just expects you to be with her until she takes off.) The breaking point was when he told me that he wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving - we were in a long-distance relationship in college and only saw each other around major holidays and in the summer - because he was going to spend it with his roommate’s family. I broke it off via a letter, since he wasn’t sounding positive about Christmas either, and I certainly wasn’t going to wait until (at that rate) summer to tell him face-to-face.
I’m all set and ready to go with it, Shayna, and thanks once again, but I want to wait for her to get back so we can talk again. I feel I owe myself and the relationship that much. If she really wants me to stick around till she leaves, then she needs to hear me tell her face to face what my plans will be. This is from the book of Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right.
Ferret Herder: I believe you are right with the “cake and eat it” thing, but she is just such a sweet person. If you knew her, you would like her immediately (I know, I know…:D).
In any relationship, who can promise eternal commitment? Answer: No one. Two years is a long time, alot could happen before her move.
People get sick, die, move-on, what have you. If you like being in her company, continue the relationship. If something better comes along, take the same course she has & persue it. Think about it, 2 years is alot of time, if she’s truly charmed by you, she’ll stay.
The question is, do you WANT to stay with someone who plays games like this? She won’t commit to beyond two years, why should you commit to beyond next week?
Perhaps you should, “just be friends”, as they always say.
No way. When a woman says the kinds of things she has said, then it is over. She is being gentle and respectful towards Quasimodem, but she has made up her mind. Two years is not a lot of time, given my aged perspective. She doesn’t want you. If she wanted to work out your problems she would have said so.
Don’t cling. Find fun in living with yourself, and look for someone who can appreciate you.
Well Quasi, I’ve had 2 years of a different sort. 18 years of a “stormy” marriage. Yes, we had always fought. And then made up. And fought, and made up. It escalated to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I filed for divorce. Thing is, he didn’t believe me. He wouldn’t accept it. He moved out, but kept calling, begging me to take him back. I felt awful, because I had made a choice that “hurt” him. I’d be nice to him on the phone, because he sounded so pitiful. He’d ask if there was a chance we’d “get back together”. Not wanting to be a “meanie” I’d say, “maybe” or “You never know” . Sometimes I was brave enough to actually say:“I don’t think so.” But, it wasn’t enough. It was WRONG of me to do that. Because it gave him hope. I was absolutely sure I wanted the divorce, but at the same time, I gave him mixed signals, trying not to hurt his feelings. I never came out and said: “IT’S OVER”. So, thinking I might change my mind, he dragged his feet on a divorce that should have taken no more than a year. It’s still going on after two years. A couple of months ago, he called. Asked me if there was any chance we’d ever get back together. He said: “I just have to know. I have to hear it from you.” So, I said it. " It’s OVER." He had to hear it, with his own ears, from me. He’s better now, he’s finally accepted things because he’s sure. Because I was finally honest. Sometimes it hurts like hell. But to answer your question, I don’t think it’s justified. In anyone’s case. You have a right to know where you stand. No wishy-washy crap. Get it out & get it over with. Be fair. Be honest. BOTH of you. That’s the lesson I learned in my 2 years. Good luck to you…
I think that’s good advice. She’s put a time limit on your relationship, which to me seems selfish and a bit cruel. If she has no interest in going beyond the 2 year mark, cut your losses and start something that may have longer potential.
I went ahead this morning. The results can be seen in the thread in MPSIMShere
The reason I went ahead instead of waiting until Monday is because I needed something positive to do to keep my mind active and away from the troubled thoughts.
