"I love you, but I'll be leaving you in 2 years."

The BBQ Pit
41

If it were me, I would choose to end the relationship now and cut my losses. You gotta take what she says at face value: I think that this woman has made it perfectly clear that the relationship will end in two years, as evidenced by the “Why can’t you just enjoy the time we have left?” comment.

I think that the crux of the issue for her is that she wants the relationship to exist not only because she has affection for you, but because she doesn’t want to be alone for the next two years. Stormy or not, your relationship’s got the comfort level of being a known quantity.

What you have to decide, sadly, is whether you’re willing to invest two years of your life in a relationship for which your partner in said relationship holds out no hope, with a person who would give you a deadline for the end of the relationship with no room for compromise.

Good luck, man, whatever your decision may be.

42

Hell, who knows, maybe we can both depart Dallas, Georgia at the same time. Her to Tampa and me to Germany. Even if we stay together for the two years, I don’t think I can ever hold her again and feel the same way about her than before she lowered the boom.

Q

43

No offence dude, but as my trusted friend Stuart would say, “Lets get drunk, run amuck, and tomorrow morning you’ll remember nothing” :slight_smile: In regards to lowering the boom, in this case, i don’t think you can merely step under it. I can tell you’ve thought a hell of a lot about this, and personally, I think things like this happen for reason, so try and use it to your advantage. Somehow. . . .

44

Quasi, box up all the stuff thats yours in her trailer & move it out. Drop off the box of her stuff from your apartment (gifts included; wrapping is your option).

Then make plans & move on. Why should you be two years older before you are looking at relationships with women who are serious about you?

PS- Accept No Counter Offers. And if you’re pressed for a reason, just say, “I did want to stay with you, but now I can see there’s just no future in it.” After all, isn’t that what she just implied towards you?

45

'Why can’t you just enjoy the time we have left together?"

Because I can’t enjoy life with that kind of deadline hanging over my head, nor can I enjoy a relationship that clearly means so little.
And the ever-popular “I never made you any promises!”

Well, I never made you any promises either, Toots. Buh-bye.
“I love you, Bill.”

I love you too, but I just can’t do this.

Really, I have to think you’ve already made your decision. If you can’t ever feel the same way about her again, it’s over, regardless of her decisions.

Good luck.

46

4 more nights until the “friendly conversation”. I can’t begin to describe to y’all the “empty in the pit of my stomach” feeling I am having as the time gets closer and closer.

The only thing that makes me feel better is that I know I have given this woman all the love I can, and if I walk away, I will walk away proud in that knowledge and can say “Yeah, we had some rough times, but through them all I loved her and tried not to be selfish.”

A part of me wants to get stinkin’ drunk this weekend, but I have got to be clear-headed and see this thing through. I already know I won’t beg her to stay. (The Modems didn’t raise no beggars ;)). I just hope I can walk away.

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts either way. I just want to say that. Thank you very much!

Q

47

Someone gave you a crystal ball. All it would show you is that you won’t be with your current SO in 2 years. You know there is no guarantee that you will still be with your lady in 2 months let alone 2 years. It’s trite but true, ‘shit happens’.

Now the ‘shit happens’ has hit your fan, and you have to rethink the life you thought you would have in 2 years. Once you saw that you weren’t in that picture anymore, you looked around and saw that you have some options. It sounds like you have some postive choices you can make, that’s more than most get. You also have a commodity that most people don’t get, time.

You’ve been given a new perspective on your life so take a little time to look around and reevaluate your course. Whatever you do, don’t just follow your heart, you have to use your head too. Take it one day at a time. And don’t make any significant changes in your life for at least 6 months. Don’t do anything rash or sudden. You still have someone in your life that makes you happy, don’t waste your time wondering what it will be like in two years. Things change, shit happens.

You don’t have to do anything right away so you can set back and try to figure out what you would like to do. You may want to cut back on the amount of time you spend with your SO. I understand that you work with her (I personally think it is a mistake to fish off of the company pier), so dating someone else (especially someone from work) could cause discomfort at work. However I think it would be a mistake to not pursue other interests. Things have changed in your relationship, and you need to make some subtle changes too. And don’t return your SO’s gifts unless you don’t feel like giving them to her anymore. You bought them to make her happy, and to make yourself happy too, if you don’t think the gifts would still serve that purpose, then by all means, return them.

It sounds like you have made some very positive changes in your life recently too. This ‘peek into the future’ might just be the kind of thing that you can deal with now better than at any other time in your life. Don’t let it slow down your progress in other areas. You have the momentum, just keep moving forward.

I wish you luck, and I hope you don’t lose anything you have before you have to, or want to.
And don’t forget, ‘shit happens’, both good and bad!

48

byter, your words are most appreciated, and I have read your post through 3 times as of this writing.

What I hear you saying is, “Take a breath, Quasi”, and that is what I will do. 6 days have passed from the date of the OP, and in those 6 days I have had the opportunity to be shocked, cry, get angry, think and think some more, and at the end of all those stages I came up with the same conclusion: I love this woman.

Yes, I have options and yes, I have time. And I have come to the realization that I can use that time constructively or I can use it to sit and feel sorry for myself. I’m not going to use it for self-pity.
I’m over the intitial shock of the news, and the self-preservation instinct is alive and well. If I stay with her for 2 more years will be determined by what we decide Monday night.

I already decided to give her the birthday gifts (maybe even the tattoo on me: I do love her, after all) because they were bought with love and lots of imagination. It would be a waste to return them.

I won’t rush into anything, and I will give myself time to think things through.

Thank you. (Something tells me you’re much younger than my 53 years, am I right? :D)

Q

49

Not by much, 46. Most of those years spent beating myself up over the fairer sex.

You sound like a good man, I have no doubt you’ll come out of this intact. Slightly scarred maybe, but intact!!:smiley:

50

Okay, now it’s official: I spend too much time at work. I just read byter’s post and my first instinct was to make a joke about Quasi getting neutered. (I realize, of course, that the big Q’s balls are nothing to laugh about.) I really need to learn to leave some of that shit at the clinic.

51

This will be my third try at posting this…

For those of you who cared enough about me to give me your support and advice, I wanted to let you know the results of last night’s friendly discussion with my SO.

We met in my office where she once again reiterated the “I made you no promises” statement, and also reminded me that when we first began this relationship, she had plans to retire to her condo on Tybee Island Georgia, and I had plans to retire in Germany. Her plans, she says, have not changed and that she doesn’t know when she’s going to be moving.

When I told her that I couln’t continue the relationship with the
pall of a a deadline hanging over my head like that, the tears began to flow. From both of us. I really believe she wants the relationship to continue, but I cannot understand how she can just up and leave me, the man she says she loves, who has offered to give up his retirment in Germany to be close to her.

We talk again tonight (admittedly not a good time or place considering the taut emotions both of us are experiencing right now), and again Thursday night at “The Hell-Hole” my apartment to see if we can save this somehow.

I am beginning to see y’all’s point that I might have to be the one to let her go, rather than it being the other way around as I had feared from the beginning. When I told her the kindest and best thing for the both of us would be to say goodbye, she began to cry again and we had to cut the conversation short, because we were both at work.

byter: Thanks again for your kind words. Yeah, I try to b e a good man, though my emotions get the best of me sometimes. Yet I have always said that if you are able to love someone and can find that person, then the reward you get is almost as good as being loved in return. I don’t doubt that I am loved, in her way. It’s just not the same as mine…

CrazyCatLady SO you work in a veterinary clinic? :smiley:
Well I might be crazy about this woman, but not crazy enough to let you take my balls if we decide to call it over. :wink:

She doesn’t know about this thread, and doesn’t post here, but I treasure the wisdom I find here, and I thank y’all once again for sharing it and a bit of your time with me.

I’m not going to proof this post, because the last two times I did, I lost the whole thing.

Thanks

Q

52

Quasi - I know this can’t be easy for you, but it sounds like you handled things as well as possible, last night.

About this “I made you no promises” thing: at the beginning, she didn’t promise you that it would last forever, but there was no door closed on it, either. Now there is, barring a genuine change of heart. That’s a world of difference.

Good luck tonight, when you two continue this conversation.

53

Quasimodem, be strong. You ending it now is better for you than her ending it in a little less than 2 years. 'Cause that would make for a terrible 2 years of waiting for the pain.

54

spooje and friends:

We decided to say goodbye together: She’ll go her way at some point and I will go mine (Home to Germany).

Jesus, could my love-life be any more strange?

I think that we will always love each other no matter the miles that will separate us, and I have accepted what I need to accept.

There’s a very old pop tune by Gale Garnett. It’s called We’ll Sing In The Sunshine. Do y’all know it? In it, the woman tells her lover she’ll stay with him “one year, and then be on my way.” I guess I’m lucky to have had her and her love for more than just a year.

I appreciate y’all.

Quasi

55

Quasi, not much I can say… except that really sucks. Hang in there, okay?

F_X

56

Q, that’s one of my favorite songs of all time!

I caught wind of this thread over on the weight-loss thread. I didn’t know about it sooner because I’ve been stuck on a plateau so hadn’t bothered following up.

Too late to give advice, of course, since you did make your decision. I think you did the right thing. See, there’s more to a healthy relationship than love, so it really doesn’t matter how much you love her, that alone is not reason enough to keep any relationship going. Does that make sense?

No reason, though, not to check out the gal that has the crush on you, though. After a good “mourning period”, of course, you wouldn’t want to catch her on the rebound.

Anyway, hugs to you, and don’t forget, FWIW, you’re still my favorite crush in the weight-loss club!

57

:smiley:

Maybe that’s my problem with Pam. I’m so heavy I’m “crushing” her!

Q

58

It was the first thing I thought of when I first saw the thread title. My dad used to play a Trini Lopez album where he covered that song.

And we appreciate you. This can’t be easy, but you’re doing yourself proud in the way you’re handling it. Love will come around for you again, after the hurting fades.

59

The way I see it, she´s going to leave you, so it´s time to think of yourself and make plans. You sadi you were thinking about moving home, why don´t? Or else you could just reitre in germany by yourself, good food, nice landscape… anyway, if I were you I wouldn´t include her in my plnas, even if she changed her mind, not after she told me that… actually I would have left her inmediatelly.

60

Thanks sickboy51, for your words. At the beginning of this thread I did feel that way, but since speaking to her in depth, I have come to realize that this isn’t as easy for her as I first thought. She’s going through a rough time too, whatever her reasoning, and I have to think of her and consider that. One of the reasons the relationship has lasted as long as it has is because I have always put her needs before mine. Now that we have made a decision to go our separate ways, things have gotten a bit easier to accept, albeit still no less sad.

And I am thinking of myself and making plans, but not shutting her out of my life. It may be tough to understand this, but she’s been good to me too, and that means something to me, whatever happens.

Q