What was I thinking?
Here I was, walking through the store with my sister, yapping away in the mix of English and Spanish that we use, although this time, since my sister had just returned from a trip to Cuba we talked mostly in Spanish. She was telling me about her trip through the island, the people she’d visited, the places she’d seen, and I was so engrossed in the conversation I didn’t notice you trying to eavesdrop in our conversation. That was inexcusably self-centered. Well, maybe not inexcusably, many things are excusable, for instance I excused the sneer you gave me as you passed by us. I just assumed you’d had stroke or some other malady that had twisted your face into a parody of a Greek theater mask. And since I did not know at the time that your sneering was caused by my own insensitive actions, I hastily put the disturbing image of your twisted, goat’s ass of a face from my thoughts.
I must say though that I applaud your thoughtful, though subtle efforts to make us correct our faux pas. There was that time by the meat section when you quite audibly tsk-tsk’d as we passed by, sadly your hint was as deep as the crack between your enormous ass cheeks, and we failed to take notice. It is quite understandable then that when we were standing by the cash register, obviously getting ready to leave, you finally decided that more direct action was needed. I admit I was somewhat taken aback by your approach, not that I fault you for it, we had clearly left you no choice but to wag your stubby finger at us and proclaim for all the world to hear, “Why can’t you people speak English? This is America! If you can’t speak the language just go back where you came from!” Ah, the poetry of it still grips my heart, your ability to wrest from the muses such a lyrical statement in the seconds it took to waddle over to us is a tribute to the many years you must have spent finishing the third grade.
And here I must pause for a minute to praise your stunning fashion sense. While it is true that the current fashion trend of wearing low riding blue jeans with a short t-shirt is usually seen in much younger, shapelier women, you brought a certain sausage-like quality to the look that a less generously proportioned woman could never have achieved.
Now, along with the apology in the title of this post I must add an apology on behalf of my sister. You see, she’s not as even tempered as me, being younger she still has not grown out of her Hot Tempered Latin phase. While I smiled politely and got ready to thank you for your thoughtful and kind reproach I noticed a wave of heat coming from the general direction of my sister. It seems that, due to her recent return from Cuba, she was inadvertently carrying an overcharge of emotional tension, which she then completely involuntarily unloaded on you. I assure you, she does not really think you are a “skanky busybody”, or an “asshole who should mind her own business”, nor does she really think that “this is a free country bitch, if you don’t like it you should move YOUR ass to Cuba.” Well, maybe that last one she really does believe, but I hope you don’t fault her for it.
A final thought, while I do love the English language, I also love Spanish, and frankly there are some things that just don’t sound the same in English. For instance, if I were to call you a shit-eater, while what I’m saying is obviously clear, it just isn’t the same as calling you a “comemierda”, specially if I take the time to really roll that “r”. Or if, God forbid, I were ever to say to you “Hija de puta resingada, me cago en la puta madre que te cago”, I would feel so much better that if I had said “Son of a twice fucked bitch, I shit on the whore of a mother that shat you”.
