I’m struggling with severe clinical depression – I want advice and support

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I can’t remember why, but I somehow already knew your name was Adam.

I thank you for starting this thread. I am just now starting to deal with my depression after years of denying it was there.
Lexapro made me lightheaded all the time. On top of low blood pressure it messed with my blood sugar and I couldn’t walk up three short flights of stairs without almost passing out.
And even though I am at the point of no physical contact it really did suck that it killed my libido. Because well, (TMI here) even though I didn’t want hubby touching me doesn’t mean I didn’t want to touch myself.
I use Welbutrin now and I am starting to feel better. It makes me a bit shakey right after I take it, but I can deal with that compaired to not wanting to get out of bed or sitting in the tub for three hours sobbing uncontrolably thinking of ways to off myself.
Xanax helps as well but I’m on a small does and I really hate to ask to have it increased. I have throw-back issues from my birth giver being a prescription addict and I stress when I need meds because I’m worried about becomming like her or everyone seeing me as being like her.
Lunesta was a godsend! I was not sleeping and when I would try it was only a half sleep and I was up hour after hour. I still wake at night, but nothing I can’t deal with. I’ve been pregnant before so once in the middle of the night is doable.
I stopped talking to my friends and I stopped posting here. I’m sure a few have noticed I’ve been posting now more than I have in almost a year, and I hope those I knew will remember me and those that are new to me will get used to me because I do enjoy it around here.
I haven’t wanted to bother with trying to find a job since my back surgery and I just sit and stare at Everquest with no desire to play. The not wanting to play Everquest is a big thing really because it was my alone time. I wasn’t at work, housework done, kids in school and it was “mom’s alone time”.
I have one question though.
I have a hard time talking to therapists because I feel I am being judged. I really don’t think it is anything on their part because I’ve felt that from all of the ones I have seen.
Should I keep seeing the one I am more comfortable with and try to get over it or keep looking for someone I don’t feel judged by. I really do think it’s my issue.
I’ve read a few of Olives posts and find you a remarable person so it was nice to see you post and hear your story.
Sorry I’m not much of a help to you Adam, but I did want to thank you for being strong enough to start this thread.
Anybody can message me at any time here or my contact information. Having people to talk to helps.

~hugs~ for everyone!

22

Bring this up with your therapist. One mistake I made (multiple times!) was that I didn’t discuss with a therapist my doubts about the fit between us.

23

Bring it up, but a guess of mine: they shouldn’t be judging you but they do need to evaluate your responses. Can’t help you if they don’t know where the problem is. And my experience with my own problem-solving jobs is that often what’s itching, what people think itches and what they say itches (not necessarily through “evil intent”, but often through lack of vocabulary) are worlds apart.

24

I’m privileged in that I was severely depressed, but only for a very short period while on medication. I got a little window into the life of depression, and now know that it’s impossible to understand what it’s like unless you’ve gone through it.

I felt exactly as you do for about two months (as soon as I went off the pill, things cleared up. I’m not perfect and I do get depressed, but nothing even bordering what I felt – or didn’t feel – during that time.) Especially the anxiety attacks, relationship problems and total apathy. My boyfriend was great, but I used to warn him, while ‘up,’ that I was a werewolf about to change and once I did I wouldn’t be the same person. I even started to resent him for ever getting angry or upset with me because I knew I wasn’t in control. The anxiety and nausea were horrible, lingering. And contributed to quelling my love of food. I don’t think I even laughed at the shows and movies I once enjoyed. I just felt dead. (I am now, as ever, a complete believer in the power of brain chemistry.)

I don’t really have any advice that’s better than what’s been given. Therapy is good (I’d say look for another therapist if this one doesn’t pan out, but have a feeling that’s easier said than done.) Sometimes being around friends who know little of your condition is good, if only for a short while. And cute animals are good. Puppies don’t judge.

25

Thanks for posting so candidly, Argent.

If it means anything to you, it is “nice” for me to hear about someone else’s difficulty dealing with the issues you’re having. I’m not taking pleasure in your suffering, but there are times when it helps to know that others have difficulties dealing with depression and related psychological concerns.

The only comment I can make is that you can keep track of how you feel based on specific behavior. I keep a kind of three column journal.

Column one, those things I’m doing with the expectation that they will affect my mood, my energy level, my sleep or my feelings about myself. I include the amount and type of exercise I get or that I expect to get, what I’ve eaten, when and how much I’ve slept, and how much alcohol* I have or have not had. I also write down unexpected or uncommon activities and events; doctor visits, sexual or romantic activity (yes, for me it is unexpected and highly unusual), even very hot or cold or rainy weather etc.

Column two, how those behaviors have or have not actually impacted me. Also, a general estimation of my anxiety level, my emotional equilibrium, and my energy level. If there are items in column two that have no antecedent in column one, I try to look for behavior that may have influenced those feelings; *I have been amazed at the level and duration of alcohol’s impact on my sense of well-being which I realized in part by using this type of journal.

Column three is basically a repetition of the pattern between column one and two with an emphasis on long term events and corrective behavior. Sometimes, I realize that something in column two has caused behavior. (Sleeplessness as a result of anxiety being an obvious example.) I have also found that very minor irritation or emotion — short-temperedness, poutiness, frustration — often presages more significant emotional upset. I try not to think of it in terms of causes and correlations, but it does help me to be objective about myself and I have had some incredible insights into the way my behavior translates into emotion.

I don’t spend a lot of time on it and, despite the verbosity of the description, I try not to think about it too much. If it creates anxiety for me, I just throw it away and start over another day. Also, I do this in conjunction with therapy and medication.

It helps me to find new ways of handling the complexities of a problem that often strikes at one’s ability to think and evaluate oneself objectively. I offer this more as a theme than as a solution. It can be such a helpless and hopeless feeling when your own thoughts and emotions seem almost to attack from the inside. Anything you can do to regain a sense of perspective and personal control over your own life might help to cover some of the distance between where you are now and where you want to be.
I’ve written a lot more than I meant to. I truly wish you the best. Intelligence and a sense of humor are powerful tools that I know you have. (Citation available upon request.)

26

I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can completely identify with so much of what you are saying, having been through panic attacks and social anxiety myself. It totally sucks that this has hit you, especially when you are young and have so much going for you. It’s completely normal that you are so overwhelmed by this; it really is an attack, a barrage against your system.

<<In one of my hypochondriac moments, I called my mom and was like “I’m afraid that I’m going insane, psychotic, and I’ll have to be put in an institution or something.” … But the worrying, depressed, hypochondriac side of me has these horrible fears that it’s never going to go away, that I’m going to be stuck in this horrible place forever, and that I’ll never have happiness or love in my life again.>>

When I was in the worst throes of my panic attacks, I swear I thought it would kill me. It doesn’t help that I’m an absolute thinker–if it’s wrong, it will always be wrong. There was no way life could go on or get “normal” again, and what is normal? The most extreme thoughts seemed rational and I got scared about everything. I couldn’t eat, or sleep, and no one could make me feel better. I didn’t know what to do, but in desperation I sought help through the HMO psych services. First they gave me Ativan to calm down and get some sleep so I could talk more reasonably. :slight_smile: I didn’t want to get on meds so I did talk therapy and yes, it was scary for a while. But the Ativan was a safety net I could take if I got panicky, and that made me feel like there was something to hold on to.

That was in the spring of 1997. I couldn’t believe it when I made it a year after having thought I would crumble and die, or go completely nuts. I did decide to get on meds after being very disturbed by social situations that didn’t go just right, and a fear of being out and about in strange situations. I’ve been on Paxil, then Celexa, then Lexapro. They all worked well for taking the edge off the fear and allowing me to process things more clearly, but didn’t “dope me up”. I also talked to the psych doc about my fears of having other psych diseases and she ran through a checklist and I said no to it all. This might help reassure you too if you do this.

It’s been ten years and yes, it’s tough to feel dependent on meds and afraid to get off them, but they help, and that’s OK. Maintenance meds are taken for a lot of chemical imbalances, and who knows, maybe it is genetic. My parents wouldn’t seek help but I know Mom was suicidal for many years and Pop, well, he’s very tightly wound, shall we say.

There is hope. I know exactly how you feel, that things will never be OK again, because I am an absolute thinker too. I first had panic attacks at 14 and it is such a shock, especially when you have no idea what happened; a minute ago everything was normal and now it never will be again. BUT IT WILL. Maybe it will be a different normal, with some concessions to be made to this new reality, but you will be better. And you will appreciate it. I am grateful every day I don’t have that panic and fear. I understand if you truly believe this could never happen to you, because it’s some powerful shit you’re going through.

You are doing the best you can for yourself in reaching out for help, even when it doesn’t feel worth it. Your family and friends love you and want to help, even when that feels empty to you (and don’t feel guilty about that–it comes with the territory). Don’t be afraid to be “selfish” and take care of yourself.

27

I had this too, the first time I went to a therapist. I actually said it to him: You’re judging me to decide if I am sane or not.

He said, he didn’t get into that kind of work to judge people, but to help them out.

Certainly they are evaluating information to help you, but not to pass judgment. But I too have trouble not putting my best foot forward to show them how well I’m doing. :rolleyes:

If this anything I’ve learned from the boards, it’s no one’s unique in what they’ve faced, or done, and therapists have probably heard it all. Perhaps Shoshana will stop by and chime in. :wink:

28

{{{{{{{{Argent}}}}}}}}}}

Everyone else has already give you great advice, so I’ll just add my support. It can be a bit of trial and error to find the right mix of medications, but you will. In my experience, this is where psychiatrists have it all over general practitioners. I’m glad you’re going to one.

Hang in there. We’re here for you.

29

Argent, hang in there. I’ve gone through periods of severe depression, too…one bout of depression was so severe, I even planned how I was going to suicide. Fortunately, I decided that I couldn’t do anything that cruel to my family, and got help instead.
The misery passes. It really does. And life gets good again.
You are doing the right things – keep it up.
In addition to the good advice everyone else has given about meds, therapy, and exercise, I want to say that establishing a solid meditation practice helped me. It might not be the right time for you to do that yet – you might want to wait until the meds have taken the edge off – but there is now very solid evidence that meditation can help increase the size of the part of the brain that generates happiness. No need to join a religion to get the benefit – you can practice completely secular forms of meditation. (Neuroscience research done at University of Wisconsin, Dr. Richard Davidson) A couple links:

neuroplasticity

live science

Joy of Living

Take care and hugs

30

I know I’m about the 18th person who has said this, but I could have written a lot of this five years ago. (Though I’m a girl who had a two-year boyfriend, it was school instead of music, an office job instead of waiting tables, blah blah blah.) But you did ask for support and advice, and many have said already that it’s good to know you’re not alone, so, yeah. I’ll add my bit.

This, too, will pass.

It’s already been said–you WILL get over your depression. Things will get better, a whole lot better, actually. Someday, you’ll look back on this as a hurdle that held you back but didn’t manage to make you quit. I’m never going to say that life will be perfect and happy and, you know, puppies and rainbows, but you’ll discover that you have an amazing amount of resilience that you can tap into, once you get through this.

And there really is nothing like looking back and realizing you’re not depressed anymore. Someday, this will happen to you, and it’ll be completely out of the blue. It happens gradually, or it did for me, at least. I think that’s pretty common. To use a cheesy analogy, it’s a bit like falling in love. You notice that this thing has been going on within you, so slowly and so naturally that it’s escaped your consciousness for a long time. It’s great.

One more thing–first, I don’t like to trivialize what anyone’s going through. My BA is in psychology and now I’m getting a nursing degree, so I know that depression is different from the everyday blahs. However, there seems to be something about the early 20s that gets to a lot of people these days. It’s such a tumultuous time, and nothing ever goes as you expected. You change your life goals every 6 months, you settle into a relationship with the wrong person and it goes all wonky, you settle into a relationship with the right person and now you’re thinking about your future being entwined with someone else’s, your childhood dreams die or fade away or get put through a meat grinder, your parents really are human, despite what you’ve always believed…it’s a tough time. I think it makes people a lot more prone to depression and depressed feelings. So yeah, if you’re the analyzing type, think of it this way: you can’t stop the wheels of time from turning, and things will probably get a lot less complicated soon.

I’d tell my story, but hey, you already know half of it. And you’ll come to know the rest.

So…hang in there. It’s good to see that you’ve got so many people supporting you over here on the Dope. Hope we’re helping. :slight_smile:

31

As a matter of interest: what changed in your life that triggered this? I realise you have a family history, but it seemed to come on so suddenly for you. To me this means there must have been some change in your life. Did you lose someone? Parent retired? Lost a job? There’s almost always something.

32

Really, nothing major changed in my life at all. It just kind of came out of nowhere. (This fact is one of the things that has been making me worry a lot, because depression this bad would seem like it would have to be brought on by some specific incident - that it just came out of the blue is troubling to me because it would be so much easier to have a tangible, identifiable cause of the depression.)

Like I said, I’ve had ups and downs. But they’re a little unsettlingly dependent on the medication (Xanax,) which doesn’t exactly make me feel better - it feels like an inauthentic improvement because as soon as the Xanax wears off, I feel shitty again. I’ll take the Xanax XR before bed, feel calm, go to sleep, get through the day pretty well up until 3 or 4 PM, and then the nervousness, the shakiness, the anxiety and the apathy, lack of appetite, etc. will return. But it’s only been 2 days that I’ve been taking the Zoloft, so hopefully after a while I won’t be so dependent on the Xanax to feel better.

Right now, as I sit here, at the computer typing, I basically feel OK - not good, but just inert, average, and detached.

33

Yes, situational depression, where you are responding to some life event, is easier to understand and deal with – deal with the cause, and the depression goes away. But that’s a different story. Lots of depressions don’t have any apparent precipitating event.
We can use a clinical depression as a means to beat ourselves up, as in “But a have a good life, so I shouldn’t feel this bad,” and feel guilty about feeling depressed, etc. Or go for a spin on the hamster wheel of trying to figure it out. According to your belief system, you can come up with all sorts of causes for depression, from genetic predisposition or chemical imbalances to childhod trauma to the angst of modern life to karmic payback, with a hundred variations in between.

But it’s a waste of energy. Right now, it’s more important to be kind and forgiving to yourself, and take the steps people have discussed in the thread. Pay enough attention to discover what works, but don’t obsess over it. When you think you are screwing up, forgive yourself and just keep on keeping on.

Oh, one more tool for your toolbox of coping strategies – a lot of people find that paying attention to breathing really helps calm down an anxiety attack. Dr. Andrew Weil has a cd out with simple breath exercises, and I think there are anxiety workbooks out that discuss breathing. Talk it over with your therapist and see if it might be something useful for you.

Wishing you well,

T-

34

Please give CBT and the meds a good chance. The combination really is effective.

Some things you can do every day to make small positive changes in your day - get outside and get some fresh air and sunshine. Take a shower. Force yourself to do things you don’t feel like doing. Get some exercise. Eat right. Cut out caffeine and sugar (as much as possible). Try to get enough sleep (most people with anxiety and/or depression don’t sleep well), but not too much sleep (some people sleep the clock around). Talk to other people - get out of your own head. Try to find a way to believe that you are not always going to feel like this. You’re doing the things that will lead you out of this unpleasant time.

I’m a co-facilitator at an anxiety self-help group every week. If you can find a group like that in your area, please consider going to it. I personally am recovered from my anxiety disorder; I haven’t been on meds for 3 1/2 years now. The other facilitators of my group are also recovered, some of them for decades. Please feel free to email me; I talk with people who tell us stories just like yours every week. There is a path out of this, and I can help you with it.

35

Argent Towers, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Hang in there; if you’ve felt better before you’ll feel better again. Just take care of yourself and kick your supports into high gear.

One thing to try is talking about this directly with the therapist, before you even get into a therapeutic relationship. Ask if the therapist discusses here-and-now interpersonal dynamics as part of the therapy. If the therapist isn’t willing to talk about what’s happening in the therapeutic relationship itself, then raising the question of feeling judged and trying to check it out with the therapist isn’t going to get you very far.

For what it’s worth, therapists hear all kind of stuff all day and while we may interpret, I think we’re less likely to judge than many people.

36

Well, FWIW, it does my heart good to see you posting here, Kricket… even though my wife and I are done with EQ and won’t start playing again, we still miss all our buddies in the game!

Adam, I don’t have a lot of advice for you, but I will say this: give it time. I used to work in mental health (long ago… if you’ve seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, you’ve seen the hospital I worked at, in Salem, Oregon). Everyone’s brain chemistry is different, and it can take a while sometimes to nail down the right combo to get you back in fighting form. You said that one of your meds made you feel better for a short time; that’s a good sign that you’re on the right track… now you just need to keep experimenting with your doctors until you get the right meds/dosage. Be aware that it may take a while and don’t give up!

Good vibes from me going your way!

37

Thanks for the advice. (Thanks to everyone who has posted - it’s great to have your support.) My dad says the same thing - get out, exercise, force yourself to do stuff. But it’s just so damn hard. Over the past three weeks or so my life has totally fallen into disrepair. My room, which I’ve always kept very clean, is now a horrid mess with clothes and piles of books everywhere. I haven’t downloaded any new music (I used to do it every day.) My motorcycle, which I had vowed to work on, is sitting in the garage with the carbs off and spiderwebs on the forks. I’ve gone for days wearing the same shirt, not showering every day, etc. I’ve barely picked up my guitars at all, and when I have, have gotten no satisfaction from playing. I used to be obsessed with going out to restaurants or cooking meals - in the past week I’ve eaten practically nothing besides small pieces of bread, and water, and I practically have to force myself to eat. I have a cute little Asian girlfriend who loves me to death, and I’ve had little enthusiasm for hanging out with her or being physically intimate.

On that note, I have to say, I did find myself looking at some other girls in class today - which caused me tremendous guilt because of my own now-strained relationship with my girlfriend. Ordinarily I’d have not thought twice about admiring another girl’s looks and then coming home to my own girl - I mean, I’m only human, and I’m not going to cheat on her. But I’m bothered that I’m semi-enjoying looking at these other girls in class, and then I lay in bed with my own girlfriend and feel awkward and nervous. I think I’d feel more comfortable if the other girls didn’t pique my attention whatsoever. When I’m around my girlfriend, sometimes I feel totally calm and happy, sometimes apathetic, and sometimes downright anxious. The anxiety happens because I feel worried that I’m apathetic about being with her. But I truly love and care for her, don’t want to break up with her, and I (and my mom) think that the weird feelings I’ve been having associated with her are caused by the depression itself and not by any actual loss of love or caring for her.

I’m praying, more than anything else, that when this Zoloft starts working, it’s going to restore my enthusiasm for being with my girlfriend, for taking her out, for having a good time with her.

38

Even though you acknowledge that this isn’t simply “the blahs,” I still think that you are misunderstanding.

You are correct in describing what many people in their early 20s go through and they do indeed get depressed as they face these problems. That’s not what we are talking about. Adam doesn’t “get depressed.” He has depression. He has (based on what has been perscribed for him) the illness itself – not just the feeling of being depressed. It is not just a modern phenomenon that this disease often has its onset in the early twenties. That has more to do with the body’s development than with social pressures.

It also affects part of the brain responsible for judgment. That makes it especially hard for one person to handle all alone.

Social Security considers depression to be a disabling illness. Since so many of you have gone through major depression, I wanted to make you aware of that. There is no guarantee, of course, that you will receive benefits. It depends on your history, your doctors, and their evaluation of your situation. But if you ever are disabled by it and unable to work, you should consider applying. If they turn you down the first time, appeal.

The medicine is not a “happy pill” and it doesn’t make me feel doped up. It makes me feel normal and calm and natural. I don’t hesitate to take it anymore than I would hesitate to take insulin if I had diabetes.

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but you might want to be wary of alcohol consumption. It acts as a depressant.

Adam, try not to feel guilt about anything. But do spend time holding your girlfriend. That means so much to a woman. Try not to worry about what is to come. You will be feeling so much better then and your judgement will return.

You are another day closer now to finding some relief now.

39

I kinda skimmed the thread, so I don’t know how much this is covered above. But I tend to repeat it as often as I can for people going through this kind of thing.

The Therapist works for you. Period. You are under no obligation to continue working with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable or who you do not think is working out. There is no shame in dismissing one Therapist and seeing another. Hell, you don’t even have to get into the whole “why” issue with them most of the time. Simply stop scheduling sessions and start scheduling them with someone else.

Back in 1988, I was severely depressed and went to see a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist. I felt strongly that neither of them was really interested in me. They didn’t push me, they didn’t seem to be helping me. The meds I was given ended up causing side-effects that were MUCH WORSE than the initial causes of the depression. When I complained, the asshat just kept telling me that he wasn’t going to change them. I finally walked away from both of them and crawled out of the abyss on my own.

In 2000, I ended up back on meds (at my then-fiance’s insistence - a big mistake on my part) and going to therapy. I felt that the therapist helped, but even he admitted that I really didn’t need a lot of help - other than reinforcing that I didn’t need to jump through all the hoops my psycho fiance/wife was throwing at me and telling me that I wasn’t the person she kept trying to make me out to be. I was on a bare-minimum dose of Effexor, with Xanax to help me sleep. The latter was a godsend, since I’d been an extremely light and active sleeper, regularly waking every 10-20 minutes all night long. Hell, I’d even once dislocated my shoulder tossing violently in my sleep!

I stopped the Therapy when the divorce process began. While it probably would have helped out in that time, I felt that I had only been going to assuage the psychobitch and didn’t want to do it anymore.

The real problem came when I wanted to get off the Effexor. The Doc said no, because I was in the middle of a divorce. I walked away and did it on my own, which royally sucked. That stuff has nasty withdrawal symptoms! But I was much better off.

Other than that…

Like the darkness of night, the darkness of depression distorts and obscures our vision, preventing us from seeing clearly what is around us. It creates shadows that convince us that danger looms, it hides what is precious.

But there is a light inside you. Find it, and call it forth. Hold onto it no matter what.

There will be many who do not understand and therefore cannot help you. Let them go their own way. Do not grieve or be injured by them, because they are ignorant of sorrow.

There will be those who desire to help, but cannot bear your pain. If they are called to carry your burden, they will fail, and become angry. Be mindful of them, and ask no more than they can cheerfully give.

Then there will be those who can truly help, who will stand by you in the darkness. Treasure them, for they are your true friends, and always will be.

40

That’s what really sucks, doesn’t it. “What’s the matter with me, I was fine yesterday, what if I never get better and things only get worse, I’m defective, this will alienate me from others”,…etc., etc., spiral. It’s been hard for me to believe, but the truth is that if it suddenly got bad, it can get better too. Absolute thinking makes me think of this as The Way It Will Always Be, if not worse, but it’s not true. I know realize that if one day sucks, I can sleep on it and there’s a (good) chance things will actually look different the next day.

And you may never be the carefree person you were; you may need to make concessions to the new normal, but there are resources. You haven’t let it crush you. You can get better, it’s just figuring out how. It sucks that you ever have to, but you can do it. And it’s OK to be pissed or mournful that this ever happened; WHY? and WHY ME? are OK, and something to work out, while also treating your symptoms.