I’m struggling with severe clinical depression – I want advice and support

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

[QUOTE=Zoe]
Even though you acknowledge that this isn’t simply “the blahs,” I still think that you are misunderstanding.

You are correct in describing what many people in their early 20s go through and they do indeed get depressed as they face these problems. That’s not what we are talking about. Adam doesn’t “get depressed.” He has depression. He has (based on what has been perscribed for him) the illness itself – not just the feeling of being depressed. It is not just a modern phenomenon that this disease often has its onset in the early twenties. That has more to do with the body’s development than with social pressures.

It also affects part of the brain responsible for judgment. That makes it especially hard for one person to handle all alone.

Social Security considers depression to be a disabling illness. Since so many of you have gone through major depression, I wanted to make you aware of that. There is no guarantee, of course, that you will receive benefits. It depends on your history, your doctors, and their evaluation of your situation. But if you ever are disabled by it and unable to work, you should consider applying. If they turn you down the first time, appeal.

The medicine is not a “happy pill” and it doesn’t make me feel doped up. It makes me feel normal and calm and natural. I don’t hesitate to take it anymore than I would hesitate to take insulin if I had diabetes.
[/QUOTE]

I kinda figured someone would misunderstand me, and I know I wasn’t very clear. If that’s what you’re reading in my post, I obviously misfired. I’m feel like I’m not so good with expressing stuff verbally (unless it’s something academic), which is why I lurked/had a low post count for a long time. Sorry.

I was debating whether to try to explain myself or to tell everyone just to ignore what I’ve said, and since this thread’s not about me, I’m going with the “ignore” option. So yeah, sorry, Argent Towers, for being unhelpful, and please disregard my previous post, especially if you feel offended or something.

42

/little hijack

Hiya Astroboy14! I was just thinking about you and the wifey last saturday night. You popped into my head because they are showing Astroboy on Adult Swim now.

You two are missed by quite a few people in game. It is sad that you don’t ever think you will come back but then again I haven’t really been on in the past month or so.

/little hijack over

43

It is really hard.

Make a very simple list. My last bout my initial list was:

  1. Breakfast
  2. Take a Walk
  3. Do dishes or laundry.

Once those very simple things were getting done consistantly, you start adding things. Make sure to add things that involve contacting people (see friends, call Mom) and things that feed your creative side (plant the garden, bake). Something that fits a spiritual need is good too (if it isn’t prayer or worship - it isn’t for me - meditation, yoga, journaling, reflection are possible alternatives).

(You may want to make sure to put “take my meds” on your list. As has been said over and over, it takes a while for those things to kick in. It may also take a bit to find the right one).

It can be really easy to get depressed and just let it overwhelm you. As hard as it is, and it is hard, you need to fight it. But, don’t expect “exercise” to be “jog three miles” - expect it to be “take a walk.” Then allow yourself to feel good that you got that far.

44

Hi, Argent Towers.

I speak as someone who has had bouts of depression since I was eleven years old. Just in the last month, I’ve come out of my worst one ever - months long, intrusive thoughts of death and suicide, problems sleeping, feelings of hopelessness, and more. It wasn’t until one afternoon, when I was driving from point A to point B and puzzling over what was wrong with me that I realized all my symptoms pointed to a bout of depression. Even though I’ve read up on it, even though I’ve survived nine or ten bouts before, it had snuck up on me and ambushed me.

I remember reading a story once, about a young man who was an athlete. One day, he stood up, and his femur broke. It turned out he had bone cancer, and the tumor had weakened his femur until the moment it simply couldn’t take the stress of his weight. Some days, I think depression is like that - building up unnoticed until it swamps you, and there is no human way possible to ignore it.

Getting out of my last depression was surprisingly easy for how deep into the pit it had pulled me. I went back on my maintenance dose of Prozac. I did some gardening (I read an article that quoted a study, finding that the scent of soil does something in the human brain which helps depression). I made a point of watching my first season Muppets DVD so I could laugh like the crazy person I was. I slept. I read for pleasure. I went to a friend’s place and played with their dog.

I’m almost out. I accidentally skipped a couple of doses - it’s the start of the school year, and eating sometimes doesn’t happen, so neither does pill taking - and I felt the impact that day. My temper was raw, I felt incompetent and stupid, things that hadn’t bothered me before suddenly sent me into a tailspin.

Along with all the other excellent advice you’ve received here, I would add a few things:

  • just keep breathing. Seriously. Sometimes it’s all you can do, but you can do that, and eventually, you’ll be able to do more. But when things are at their worst, remember, the only thing you absolutely have to do is breathe.

  • get out into the sunlight. I know it’s August and yucky, but sometimes the human brain is rather like a plant. It needs to soak up the sunlight.

  • do some gardening. It’s simple. It’s exercise. It’s caring for green growing things that make the world a prettier place. And, like the study said, the smell may help your brain.

Best wishes.

45

I didn’t have time to read everyone elses responses, but your OP was almost the exact description of the year 2001 for me. It lasted almost a year, then… just went away. Severe Hypochondria. ZERO joy in life. A feeling of malaise and dread. and mostly deep, inky despair. It was a really difficult time for me, and my wife. I never went to the doctor, so I never was prescribed drugs at the time. All I can offer is that you’re right. Nobody is going to truly be able to help you get through this. Just know that most people do. I think for me, it was the choice of making a major change in my life (I switched jobs) and over the course of a week or two, that “good” disruption from my old routine seemed to change my mindset. Ever since I’ve been depression (and symptom) free.

You’ll get through it, and it’ll probably go as quickly as it came. Hang in there, And best of luck.

46

One more thing, if I may be so bold to ask… do you have a creative side to you?

47

A few months ago, a doctor told me that I have dysthymia, which is a fancy word for chronic, low-grade depression. I was denial afterwards because it seems like it’s so easy to pin depression on everyone nowadays, whether the diagnosis is warranted or not. And there was resistance to accept it because I have happy days–lots of them. Today I’m feeling good. Tomorrow I will probably feel good. But Monday…

It occurred to me that it’s not normal to have so many bad days in a week. And it’s not normal to purposefully deprive myself of fun because I can’t see the point, when it’s temporary and bound to be disappointing/embarrassing anyway. Nor is it normal to contemplate cutting out my tongue because it seems more appealing to be a mute observer than it is to interact with people. Nor is it normal to deeply, utterly loathe myself for minor failings and then sabotage myself so that both future failings and successes can be eliminated. So yeah, I’m “dysthymic”. I laugh at the funny people at work and go through the motions of living, but I’m not healthy. I’m not living. I know this.

You’re younger than I am, and yet I admire you a lot. You’ve done one thing that I still haven’t done and that’s gotten help. It may not be working yet (you gotta keep believing it will), but at least you’ve reached out to someone. You love yourself and your life enough to do that. So many people…they just don’t care. Or, like me, they don’t see how life could be any different.

I’m rooting for you.

48

[QUOTE=cmyk]
One more thing, if I may be so bold to ask… do you have a creative side to you?
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, like I’ve said, my whole life is basically a creative side. I play in a band, write and record songs, and have for years been a serious visual artist as well. I’ve also been into creative writing for nearly my whole life, and have written plays, short stories, poems, as well as professional freelance writing work.

And this depression has produced nothing in the way of creativity. I haven’t had any good ideas for songs, and I’ve felt little satisfaction playing my guitars. I guess you could call my expository writing here a creative outlet, so maybe there’s something there. Actually, there’s one thing. Last night I had an idea for a tattoo that I’d like to design and get, after I am through with this depression, as a commemoration of my life being normal again. I want it to be a detailed, full color, fall/harvest-themed design incorporating an oak tree, falling leaves, pumpkins, Indian corn, etc, in shades of orange, gold and brown. (One benefit of this depression is that I’ve had absolutely no interest in spending money on anything, and so I’ve been accumulating surplus cash like crazy - this will help pay for the tattoo, if I do eventually get it.)

But when I sat down with a pencil and tried to sketch out the design, I got nowhere.

49

Hang in there friend. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression as well as Social Anxiety Disorder and Manic Depression several years ago. It was so hard to wait to see if the medications I was put on would work and for awhile I was convinced the therapy I was in was a waste of time. However, I had a wonderful therapist who found me a doctor who was skilled in prescribing psych meds but not overprescribing like some do.

It’s been a long haul with many ups and downs, but I’m still standing. You will get through this.*

[many hugs]

50

Millit the Frail, if I misunderstood, then perhaps that is my fault instead of yours. If so, I apologize. There is no reason to fear

Monstro, chronic low grade depression can suck the life out of you. You may benefit well from the form of counselling that others have recommended and medication. The combination has made such a difference for me. I have the same diagnosis.

That “chronic” means it isn’t just going to resolve itself. Don’t make me come up there…

51

I have another question. Note: I WILL ask my psychiatrist about this and go by her advice, and I only ask you for your own personal experience. But I’m curious:

How much alcohol can I drink while I’m on Xanax XR and Lexapro? My first instinct would be “none.” But I have been invited to go out drinking with my co-workers at the restaurant where I work next weekend, and I really do not want to disappoint them. Since the beginning of my employment there, the kitchen staff always talked about their plans to go out drinking later, and never invited me - now for the first time they asked me to come along, which is to me a sign that I’ve proven myself as a waiter and am now “in.” So I want to go with them - and if I don’t drink, they’re going to ask why, and I really do not feel like explaining to them that I’m on medications for depression. Not to be a pussy, but I’m just not that close to these people yet that I’d volunteer that information. So in YOUR experience, how many drinks can you have while taking these pills? One? Two? I don’t want to get roaring drunk, just order a beer or two. In any case, I’m going to go by the advice of my doctor, so I’m just looking for other people’s own experience here.

52

[QUOTE=Argent Towers]
I have another question. Note: I WILL ask my psychiatrist about this and go by her advice, and I only ask you for your own personal experience. But I’m curious:

How much alcohol can I drink while I’m on Xanax XR and Lexapro? My first instinct would be “none.” But I have been invited to go out drinking with my co-workers at the restaurant where I work next weekend, and I really do not want to disappoint them. Since the beginning of my employment there, the kitchen staff always talked about their plans to go out drinking later, and never invited me - now for the first time they asked me to come along, which is to me a sign that I’ve proven myself as a waiter and am now “in.” So I want to go with them - and if I don’t drink, they’re going to ask why, and I really do not feel like explaining to them that I’m on medications for depression. Not to be a pussy, but I’m just not that close to these people yet that I’d volunteer that information. So in YOUR experience, how many drinks can you have while taking these pills? One? Two? I don’t want to get roaring drunk, just order a beer or two. In any case, I’m going to go by the advice of my doctor, so I’m just looking for other people’s own experience here.
[/QUOTE]

I don’t know about the alcohol interactions that might be involved, but it might benefit you to possibly change your opinions about, and your relationship with alcohol. I’m not saying that you are in a bad place as far as alcohol usage goes, but alcohol is a depressant. Drinking can distort things, make you feel worse, and cause problems that would never arise had there been no drinking involved.

I understand your wanting to be part of a social group, but part of getting better consists of doing what’s best for you, not doing what helps you fit in most. I’m going to try to keep this objective but, um, people in the food service industry have been known to drink without too many social limits restricting them. I say this from experience, and I’d have no trouble finding others here that could provide anecdotal evidence to the same effect.

You don’t need to explain why you choose not to drink at all. You could say that you just don’t feel like it if they ask. If you get called a pussy, or get pressured into drinking (which often happens in situations such as yours), then you know it’s not a good social group to lean on when you want to make a change in your life. There isn’t a therapist in the world that would say “Yes, keep going out for drinks with your work buddies.”

When confronted with a situation such as the one you’re in, it might seem best to seek out the comfort of others. You’ve done so here, but that’s quite different from downing a few with your fellow employees. Companionship can be soothing, but it doesn’t fix anything, it only makes it seem less hurtful. Now is the time for you to be slightly selfish. YOU are the main focus, and everything you do needs to be geared towards YOUR betterment. I know you have a girlfriend, and you should feel lucky to have one, but I’m sure she will be able to understand that you need to make some personal changes.

You don’t need to disappoint your co-workers, nor will you. Do you think that they will all be pissed off if you don’t show up? Of course not. They’d like to have you there, but the party will still go on without you. You need to be thinking more about what’s best for you, and less about what other people might think. I know it sounds parental and placating, but it’s true.

The person that’s keeping you from getting better the most, is wearing your pants! That was one of the dumbest things I’ve even said, ever, but it’s still valid. Don’t let yourself be guided off course. That happens every time you let go of the steering wheel. (I know, very lame, and I’m sure it’s been said before) Take control of what happens to you. You’ve already made the effort to see a doctor about this, now keep that momentum going.

Ultimately, the choices you make regarding your situation will determine what happens to you. That is no bullshit.

53

Go out for drinks, but don’t drink. Its really easy to stick with water or something. If you need an excuse, use the “alcohol has too many calories and I’ve picked up a few pounds” excuse. Or make up a friend who is an alcoholic and has recently stopped drinking - you are not drinking in solidarity. Then there is the truth without the details “I haven’t been feeling great and the doctor put me on some meds - I’m not supposed to drink on them.”

However, there is a therapist in the world who will tell you to keep going out for drinks - my sister’s former therapist. The girl was a depressed alcoholic getting beaten by her alcoholic boyfriend - and the therapist was suggesting that they drink to release stress. If you therapist suggests self medicating with alcohol - find a new therapist.

In general, when you are a depressive your brain chemistry lives in a delicate balance. Step off the high wire - and it can happen for any reason or no reason - and climbing back up is a bitch. Anything that mucks with your brain chemistry in uncontrollable ways is not a good idea. Known depressives like alcohol? Bad idea. That doesn’t mean you can never drink - it does mean that you are going to have to learn to always be aware of where your mental health is - and make very healthy choices regarding alcohol (drugs, caffeine, too much sugar) when your mental health isn’t up. You’ll learn. I get my butt into the therapist at a certain point.

BTW, I read something that said research shows that people who spend a year on their antidepressants often never need antidepressants again - where people who spend less than a year often go off and on them. I spent three years on mine in the early 1990s - I’ve been back in therapy - and I’ve needed sleeping pills for anxiety - but I’ve never needed antidepressants again.

54

[QUOTE=Argent Towers]
But I have been invited to go out drinking with my co-workers at the restaurant where I work next weekend, and I really do not want to disappoint them. Since the beginning of my employment there, the kitchen staff always talked about their plans to go out drinking later, and never invited me - now for the first time they asked me to come along, which is to me a sign that I’ve proven myself as a waiter and am now “in.” So I want to go with them - and if I don’t drink, they’re going to ask why, and I really do not feel like explaining to them that I’m on medications for depression.
[/QUOTE]

Then don’t explain, and don’t drink. What’s wrong with having a Coke?

If someone asks, you don’t really have to give them much of an answer. “I’ve got to drive” or “I’m fine with a coke” should be enough.

If someone really presses, I might say “I’m on some meds that don’t interact well with alcohol. It’s nothing serious, don’t worry about it” and move on.

55

[QUOTE=Argent Towers]
And this depression has produced nothing in the way of creativity. I haven’t had any good ideas for songs, and I’ve felt little satisfaction playing my guitars. I guess you could call my expository writing here a creative outlet, so maybe there’s something there. Actually, there’s one thing. Last night I had an idea for a tattoo that I’d like to design and get, after I am through with this depression, as a commemoration of my life being normal again. I want it to be a detailed, full color, fall/harvest-themed design incorporating an oak tree, falling leaves, pumpkins, Indian corn, etc, in shades of orange, gold and brown. (One benefit of this depression is that I’ve had absolutely no interest in spending money on anything, and so I’ve been accumulating surplus cash like crazy - this will help pay for the tattoo, if I do eventually get it.)

But when I sat down with a pencil and tried to sketch out the design, I got nowhere.
[/QUOTE]
It’s a popular myth that depression stimulates creativity, which probably stems from the misapprehension that depression=sadness. It couldn’t be further from the truth; depression is a blind nothingness, a lack of caring about anything, where nothing is good or right. Most famous depressed artists and authors did their productive work during periods of nondepression or (for bipolar subjects) hypomania, not during deep depression or mania. The science fiction author Philip K. Dick is an example; he had long periods of total nonproductivity due to depression and paranoia (in which he usually self-medicated with cocaine, methamphetamines, opiates, et cetera) with occasional periods of lucidity in which he eschewed drugs and was of a reportedly moderate temper. Don’t expect great things from yourself in this state, and don’t beat up on yourself for not doing better; when you’re severely depressed, just doing the minimum to get through the day is burden enough.

With regard to the drinking issue, it’s generally recommended that people who are depressed abstain from drinking whether on medication or not, as drinking acts as a both a central neverous system depressant and can stimulate depressive, anxious, or violent behavior in some people prone to depression. However, while some medications, particularly tricyclics, have specific prohibitions against consumption of alcohol (or rather the attendant substances that generally accompany drink), neither of the antidepressants you meantion have specific contraindications to alcohol. I’d recommend bringing the question to your doctor, but if you can normally handle alcohol without problems I’d opin that a couple of drinks with the kitchen crew aren’t going to hurt you, and the companionship of a social gathering may be a positive. However, when I go through a depressive episode I often find social gatherings perversely isolating, as if it just reinforces that I don’t belong anywhere, so you may want to have an early escape in case that happens, too.

I don’t have any other brilliant advice to offer other than the let people close to you and that you trust what is going on so that they don’t take it as a sign that there is something wrong with what they’re doing. You’re fortunate, at least, to have parents who are supportive and know what you’re going through, and you may be surprised how many friends or acquaintances have also experienced this.

Good luck to you.

Stranger

56

[QUOTE=Stranger On A Train]
I<snip> you may be surprised how many friends or acquaintances have also experienced this.
<snip>
[/QUOTE]

That is the absolute truth. I think the estimate is that around 16% of people will experience clinical depression, with a similar number for people with anxiety disorders (the two conditions are strongly linked, by the way, and frankly, I think the numbers are actually higher than that). Unfortunately, depression and anxiety disorders are growing rapidly in North America - you are very much not alone in experiencing this. If you talk to your friends and co-workers about what you’re experiencing, I would almost guarantee you that there will be a few who have similar experiences, even if they don’t talk about it.

Depression and anxiety disorders are losing their stigma, but discussing it with other people is still a personal decision. Some people are very forthcoming about it, others don’t tell a soul. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle; I don’t usually volunteer information about my experiences with 17 years of an anxiety disorder out of the blue, but I won’t hide it, either. Some people feel that their jobs can be in jeopardy if they talk about their issues at work, other people find that their supervisors and co-workers are extremely understanding and supportive. You’d be the best judge of how your information would be received.

57

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
Go out for drinks, but don’t drink. Its really easy to stick with water or something. If you need an excuse, use the “alcohol has too many calories and I’ve picked up a few pounds” excuse.

[/QUOTE]

Heh. I’ve lost around 15 pounds since the depression started, and I was lean to begin with. I don’t think that one will fly.

I think I’m just going to have one or two beers. My dad is on the same combination of meds that I’m on and he says I should be fine.

58

I suffer from clinical depression, social anxiety, and panic. I actually didn’t read the thread, as I’m having a very hard time myself at the moment and I don’t know if it’s a good idea, but…

(((HUG)))

59

Update: I think I’m feeling a little better. The other night I was able to have sex with my girlfriend and it was very hot. Then we hung out and talked and it felt good. The day after that, I had some ups and downs, but during the day felt basically alright, and was able to eat a piece of pizza. Today, I finally cleaned my room, and the act of cleaning it made me feel extremely satisfied. Then, I played Battlefield 2 for a few hours (the first time I’d played any computer game in a very long time.) Later, I ate some tuna fish. I also played bass along with Help Me by Joni Mitchell, one of my favorite songs to practice along with. So, as of now, I basically feel alright.

There is no telling what tomorrow may hold. I suspect I’ll feel shitty at least for a few hours in the afternoon. But as long as that Xanax XR has been in me, I’ve generally been feeling much better. (Even though it’s supposed to make you drowsy, I haven’t noticed a specific lack of energy, just an overall sense of calm.)

60

That’s good to hear. Keep us updated, please. Let us know if you reach an equilibrium or if you get “better”.