Ellef, correct me if I misunderstand, but it sounds like you’re having trouble having social relationships because you tend to be fearful of people/social situations. I thought people with AS had trouble forming relationships just because they tend to be more or less oblivious to normal communicative skills.
Depression and loneliness -> fearful
AS -> lack of understanding
I may have just oversimplified things though. Please correct my misconceptions.
Hi Bigbabysweets,
I decided about 15 years ago that I must be extremely shy, and taught myself social skills (eye contact, “hi/how are you”, etc., and a bit about how to hold conversations). I do prefer my own company to that of others, but OTOH I do long for friendships and a partner, so for years now I’ve deliberately put myself a bit outside my comfort zone in an effort to meet people.
I can cope with social small talk and am on the “friendly acquaintance” level with loads of people. What makes me think I have AS is that I’m not afraid or anxious about social situations, it just seems to me that I can only get so far in building relationships. It’s as though I get to a stage where most people would expect the relationship to deepen and a bond to form, but nothing happens and everything fizzles out. I’ve thought a lot about this in recent months and in fact this year I decided I was going to crack this thing once and for all. I’ve been on quite an active campaign of getting out and about and doing the classic things you’re supposed to do to meet people (taking up new activities, joining clubs, etc.), but I’m still stalling on connecting with people.
I’ve thought in recent weeks that there must be something about me that’s either putting people off or which doesn’t lead them to want to know more about me. I can’t think of anything obvious - I’m OK-looking, my personal hygiene is up to scratch and I don’t think I have any outrageous views. I’ve been trying to just come to terms with this social problem in recent weeks and accept it, but somehow the subject of AS came up, and I think it might explain my difficulties.
I think there’s a bit more to it than shyness - there are plenty of shy people (and people with other problems) who somehow manage to form relationships, but in my case the isolation seems to be pretty extreme.
Do you have a close relationship with anyone? The lack of any close bond in my life was one of the major diagnostic signals for my doctor. I don’t really care about anyone. Not my mother, my father, any of my brothers or sisters, nor my children or wife. I’m utterly unable to feel empathy, which is a key component of caring for people. I can feel happy and sad for myself, but I can’t feel love and I can’t feel happy or sad for other people.
From what I’ve read about Asperger’s, there is no definitive diagnosis; it could be something else entirely and the AS diagnosis has turned into something of a catch-all-we-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-with-you-(if-anything) kind of diagnosis. So…that said, why bother with being diagnosed? Just get into some sort of therapy to address your social issues. Take the treatment – leave the label.
Er … no, not really. I have one good friend who I met through a self-help group and has similar problems to me, but I don’t see her much as we live in different countries. I realise the more I talk about this how odd that is. As for the empathy thing, I’m aware of the need to be compassionate and I try to sympathise when things are going badly for people around me, but when I’m making small talk and asking people how their weekend went, etc., I don’t really care much about the answer. I do it all by numbers because I know it’s what’s expected.
This is exactly what I was wondering when I started this thread. I wonder whether getting a label would make much difference. In any event, I’m going to make an appointment to see my doctor and I’ll see what he says. As someone else has said above, it can’t do any harm and it might help.
It was I 
The further point is that if the diagnosis comes back negative, as seems somewhat more possible from the last few posts, that would be extremely helpful. You would then probably have a social problem that could well respond to appropriate therapy or even medication, who knows.
I know the temptation is to feel that “ignorance is bliss” but it’s rarely the case in the real world IMO - always better to be informed than not.
According to my son’s specialist, the “catch-all-we-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-with-you-(if-anything)” diagnosis is PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder, not otherwise specified), rather than Asperger’s. AS is a step beyond ADD/ADHD, and a step short of PDD-NOS on the autism disorder spectrum. Therapy is not always the indicated treatment, for any ASD (autism spectrum disorder); sometimes medical diagnoses and medications are necessary. The OP should consult a medical professional for a diagnosis and a plan for treatment. Treatment could be a variety of therapies, or medications, or who knows what else… “Some sort of therapy” is possibly a correct treatment, but which sort of therapy do you mean? Speech, occupational, physical, psychological?
There’s one of the problems with ASD; there is no blood test, no genetic test, no definitive way to test for it. That’s the nature of it; it’s behavioral, not biological. Is it genetic? Is it caused by vaccinations containing Thimerasol, a mercury-based preservative used in vaccinations until 2001? Is it caused by other environmental factors? Nobody knows, yet.
Not necessarily.
I just noticed the OP is in the UK- I know a great clinic here in Los Angeles that has a much better track record than “we-don’t-know-what’s-wrong-with-you-(if-anything).” Generally, a dx of PDD is more of a catch-all for “WTH.” Autism spectrum disorders deal with more than just emotional issues- there are theory of mind and executive functioning issues as well.
Contrary to your assumptions in the OP, there ARE therapies, tricks and things that will help. If you are looking for a magic pill, then you will be disappointed. And if it really is AS or another autism spectrum disorder, then a strictly self-help group probably won’t help either. Facilitated groups led by trained professionals could help you a great deal. A “sharing our experience, strength and hope” scenario like AA probably wouldn’t help much.
Get some support, and learn a new way to be you, only more comfortable and happier.
ETA- hee hee he, simulpost!
I don’t think medical advice about a self-diagnosis from non-medicos is what is needed here. Please seek professional medical advice.
Closing thread.