I know some folks go :rolleyes: when people self-diagnose with AS, but I really think I may have it. I’m a 42-year old woman who can’t seem to make friends and (puts paper bag over head) has never had a boyfriend. It would also explain why as a child I had an encyclopaedic knowledge of the solar system and why I’ve had to teach myself basic social skills from books.
I’d love to hear from female ASs - Is there anything to be gained from seeking a formal diagnosis? I wonder whether there’s any point given that there’s no treatment and other people probably need my doctor’s help more than me. I’m functioning in society, although presently very unhappy at the prospect of continuing to struggle with social situations and loneliness for the rest of my life.
Really, I feel awful about this. Any glurgey stuff about “celebrating my difference” would be welcome!
[Solemnly dons official tinfoil hat]
[Braces self for obligatory “get a fucking grip” replies]
I’m sorry you are unhappy, and hope things work out.
I’m not a doctor and I’m sure you should consult one, rather than a messageboard. It will save you worrying about whether you have a syndrome and do something positive.
There are ways to cope better if you actually do have Asbergers.
All sorts of people need medical assistance. Your not seeing a doctor is not going to save a life. Excuse my frankness, but I think you are using that as an excuse not to find out.
There are many reasons why people have difficulty with social situations. Shyness, lack of self confidence, inexperience, bad experiences are some reasons.
I assure you that there are many people in your situation (worrying about a medical condition but not wanting to seek help) and that medical professionals have lots of experience in helping.
If you are unhappy you should try to do something to change that. The first step would be getting diagnosed, but it certainly isn’t the last step. Regardless of your diagnosis, you might want to look at therapy of some kind. I know this sounds cheezy: but only you can make positive changes to your life.
I have worked with Asperger’s children a lot and also know some adults well. An understanding of Asperger’s can really help. I also know adults who have turned their Asperger’s into an advantage, because they can see things a lot more rationally than others - without some of the usual emotional impediments. That will depend what field you work in. They have also learnt to play a persona socially and hence overcome the loneliness. But until you understand Asperger’s, you can’t ever do that. Ignore those who roll their eyes. If they have never dealt with the reality, then they cannot understand. The high functioning intellectual ability often associated with it can mask the ‘disability’ to others and even to yourself. So you can’t snap out of it alone. You don’t have a mental illness, just a significantly different way of interpretting the world. It is very difficult for non-Asperger’s people not to read between the lines, when Asperger’s people tend to be dead literal. There is a subtle communication barrier which is hard to understand unless you are trained in the condition.
It is possible to lead a fulfilled life with Asperger’s, and everything you say is consistent with my understanding, but you are asking far too much of yourself to tackle it alone. Get help from someone who understands and has the professional skills to help you understand yourself.
There are a lot of strategies to help, not only for you but also for those around you. Having finally recognised what might be your problem is a huge step forward. If your self-diagnosis is wrong, then you will find that out as a result of a better diagnosis. Good luck - and have a much happier future!
I’m definitely not a doctor, but it seems like it could be lots of things: aspergers, some kind of social anxiety disorder, just not having role models who taught you good social skills when you were young, etc. At any rate, the fact that you’re asking “Why do I have these problems?” seems like a positive step towards “How can I fix these problems?”
So first of all, definitely consult a doctor and figure out whether your social difficulties could be due to a medical condition. But regardless of the answer, I’d recommend talking to a therapist. They can help you deal with feelings of lonliness and figure out proactive ways to develop your social skills so you hopefully won’t have as much lonliness to deal with in the future. If you’re already seeing a therapist and not seeing any results, you might want to consider switching to a different one. There are many different therapy styles, and not every therapist is a good fit for every client. (Incidentally, I’m not a therapist any more than I am a doctor, but my wife is.)
In fact, there’s got to be some kind of support group out there for people with aspergers (if you have it), or for people with social anxieties. It seems to me that that could be a great way to meet people who understand what you’re going through and are pretty much guaranteed not to judge you for being socially awkward.
But probably the zeroth step (even before going to the doctor), is to pull that paper bag off your head and tell yourself (at the risk of being “glurgey”) “This is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone in the world has problems, and this is mine. It’s a difficult problem, but it can be solved, and I’m not going to give up until I find the solution.” Part of why I think seeing a therapist is a good place to start (after the doctor’s visit so you know what you’re dealing with) is because they can provide you with a steady stream of suggestions for how to tackle this problem, and with encouragement when – as inevitably happens – it takes you a bit of time to find the suggestion (or combination of suggestions) that works.
One last thought: Anyone who would think any less of you because you have difficulty making friends and forming relationships is a really terrible person. My point is, there’s no need to worry about non-terrible people not wanting to be your friend/boyfriend just because you’ve had trouble finding friends/boyfriends in the past.
It’s down a lot, but aspiesforfreedom.com is a very good resource to check out. It’s basically a message board, but an in-depth one, with a knowledgeable bunch of people and you can find a number of links to other resources and even a few online tests.
Any of the external links at the wikipedia article are fairly good, tho I assume you’ve already wiki’d it up by now. Those, mostly, are basic intros in the “what’s hamburger sindum?” phase, which you are clearly past.
Go find a doctor, any doctor (except dentist probably…), if their field can’t help you they’ll point you to someone who can. They’ll set you up with an appointment or two, get you diagnosed (or not), and then they’ll try to help you out for the rest of your life. I wish my parents had sent me to a doctor when I was a kid; it would have made life much better for me. Going now is better than, say, ten years from now, or never.
Thank you very much everyone for your replies (and for the absence of “pull yourself together” ones!).
I forgot to say above that I’ve already been through a process some years ago of being diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder and chronic depression (aren’t I the lucky one!), and I’m on medication for that.
For some reason I feel as though there’s no point in getting a formal diagnosis because I don’t think I need home help or social security benefits. It seems as though getting diagnosed might be a bit academic. On the other hand, the point that some people have made in this thread that in any event I’m unhappy and it might be possible to do something about this is a good one. Also, the thing about denial might be spot on.
Thanks again for your help folks. It helps a bit to have broken my silence on the subject, if only on line.
It may or may not help, but you can also think about the fact that this is the dope, where you’ll always have at least one person like me who says something like…
Hey, I’m that way in a lot of ways too–I used to read the encyclopedia for fun, and my wife is similarly obsessed about her literary interests. How YOU doin’?
As others have said, it’s up to you to start helping yourself become happier.
Sensible people are not going to criticise you, medical professionals are going to diagnose you and support groups are going to support you.
I can assure you you’re not alone. For example my school has a couple of pupils diagnosed with Aspbergers and they are getting along with it.
As for me, I spend time playing chess, roleplaying and computer games. None of them are very sociable activities (and the people I do meet are practically all male nerds :eek: ). But I have got a small number of close friends and I am enjoying life in my own way.
There are resources for help that don’t involve home help or social security though. Support groups, techniques for coping/alleviating/altering the parts of yourself you’re not happy with while retaining what works for you, etc.
In any case, what could it possibly hurt? Maybe they can help, and if they can’t, you’ll at least know you exhausted that avenue of inquiry.
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s as an adult. Knowing what my “problem” is has helped me greatly. The biggest advantage in knowing is that people were always asking “What’s your problem?” and now I can answer them.
Once I learned that I have AS I was able to modify some behavior so I could fit in with people more easily. I force myself to look people in the eye. I ask people about themselves because that’s what “normal” people do, even though I don’t care in the least about them. It’s hard sometimes, but I have learned how to act “normal”. I get along with people much better than I did in the past.
I still can’t form emotional attachments to people and I don’t expect that to ever change, but I have a life I’m happy with so it’s okay.
Background: I was diagnosed with possible Asperger’s as a kid, but I don’t believe that I have it/that saying I have it helps to understand my personality.
One trap you should watch out for is attributing everything about your personality to Asperger’s. Even if you are diagnosed, only attribute aspects of your personality to Asperger’s when doing so helps you in some way to understand yourself or change things you don’t like. We can get into a trap where everything is because of some disease process even when that’s not a helpful or appropriate lens to look at things through.
Of all the posts I’ve seen so far, I vote for that one as the most helpful.
On a side note, I just finished the wiki article about Asperger syndrome, and some of the possible symptoms are pretty nasty. I hope you don’t have it, Ellef, but even if you’re Asperger-free, you can do a lot to change your situation and live happier, and it seems like you might be on the right track.
As I already have SAD, I’m certainly aware of the trap of blaming everything that happens on that … also of the fact that people around me who know about it will blame the illness even if I’m legitimately upset about something they’ve done. I don’t think I would tell many people around me about AS, if I do have it, given my past experience with being “out of the closet” with SAD at work - that was a bummer!
Thanks again everyone for all the advice. Sounds as if I should make a doctor’s appointment and I’ll do that. This thread has helped me to overcome the idea that I somehow don’t deserve a proper diagnosis and that there’s nothing much I can do about the problem. Your help is much appreciated.
It would also explain why as a child I had an encyclopaedic knowledge of the solar system and why I’ve had to teach myself basic social skills from books.
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