I think I may have Aspergers Syndrome

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve always felt different and odd and have always wondered why I’m not like “normal” people. I’ve struggled with Depression, Anxiety and Social Anxiety most of my life. When I was a child I struggled with extremely mild OCD and Tourettes, both of which I was mostly able to overcome.

But there is this pervasive symptom of, I don’t know what to call it, not fitting in? When people are talking it often seems like they’re speaking a different language that I just can’t understand. Literally they’ll be talking and I can hear sounds but the sounds don’t make any sense and I just can’t process what they’re saying.

Something that is so confusing to me is how people know how to socialize in groups. I’ll see a group of people out for dinner and they’re talking and laughing and having wine and eating and it’s so foreign to me it’s like they’re aliens and I don’t know how they know how to do that.

I’ve learned coping mechanisms to hide how truly separated from everyone I feel. If I need to know how to act in a certain situation, I watch and observe how other people act and then I try to emulate their actions.

When I do get invited to something like dinner or a get-together, I always decline because it’s just too exhausting to have to pretend to be normal. People who’ve known me my whole life (only relatives because I have a very hard time making friends) all call me “eccentric”.

I’ve been reading up on adult women with Aspergers/Autism and it’s completely different from male symptoms that women and girls are often misdiagnosed with other things like personality disorders.

I have other sensory issues like sounds and smells that, at times, make it almost impossible for me to function. It takes a Herculean effort sometimes if I’m in public and there’s a sound like whistling, or repetitive mouth noises.

I’ve recently moved into a new position in a bakery and so I’m with a new group of people and I’m already exhausted by my hypervigilance making sure they don’t find out how weird I am. I guess I let my guard down a bit and one of my coworkers said to me “I think you have Aspergers”. She didn’t say it in an accusatory way but in a bit of a kind way.

I know we joke here a lot when people post “how do I human?” type posts but I honestly feel like most people are a different species, speaking a different language that I just can’t ever learn no matter how much I want to.

2

Ah - self diagnosing via the internet. I’m sure you will find many folk who have done the same, and will be happy to agree with you. And psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors don’t get paid if they don’t assign a diagnostic code!

Of course, maybe there are just aspects of your personality you might benefit from working on, and certain situations that make you uncomfortable and for which you could develop coping strategies …

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I would encourage you to ask for an evaluation. You can call a local autism center and ask for a referral - that is probably more likely to get you a tester who knows what he or she is doing. The symptoms you describe could be Asperger Syndrome (now called autism spectrum disorder), but they could also be sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder, ADHD, or something else. Whether or not you get a diagnosis, someone who is equipped to test adults for ASD should be able to help you find someone who can help you develop coping strategies.

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Yeah, it’s quite a bit more than “certain situations make me uncomfortable”.

It’s a holiday here today but I’m going to try to call my doctor for an appointment tomorrow. There is also some sort of program offered through work where you can see a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist which I’m going to look in to tomorrow as well.

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Or like you are an anthropologist on Mars?

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Pretty much! I don’t know if it’s something people learn or know intrinsically or what. How do they know how to act? Is it acting or are they just hanging out, relaxing and enjoying themselves without having to think about it at all? I know how to pretend to do it but it is pretending, it’s not natural.

I’ve never really admitted to this side of me before because I don’t want people to think I’m some friendless loser.

7

How weird can you act in a bakery?

Edited to add: And not get fired?

8

Unless you feel like you need therapy to be more effective at handling life (job, relationships, speech, etc), I don’t know why you, as a reasonably functioning adult would need a formal diagnosis.

About 10 years ago I began to suspect I was on the spectrum. I talked to a co-worker about it, whose son was autistic, and he said he could see that there was a decent chance I was, in fact, aspie. Looking back at my childhood, it probably would’ve helped to have had a diagnosis and some therapy to help me socialize and work through certain situations, but back then the only people who were thought of as autistic were Rain Man types. People like me were just considered socially awkward, suffering from anger management issues, obsessive about things, etc.

But at this point in my life, even if I’m “just” self-diagnosed, it helps both me and my wife understand certain situations and why I act or feel a certain way. It helps me understand why I am so anxious at times for no (outwardly-apparent) reason. It’s made me aware of a couple of stims that I have, and now I don’t feel so “weird” when I catch myself doing them. Ultimately, it’s made me more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve read up on autism to help me understand my brain better, and that’s been helpful.

It’s also prompted my wife and me to get our son tested and diagnosed. He has a lot of the symptoms I have, but we can get him some help so he won’t have to struggle like I did through school, relationships, jobs, anxiety, etc.

But at 44, as a college grad, married father of two, successful small business owner, I don’t think I need a formal diagnosis. I get along just fine (now. Thirty years ago was another story). That being said, FloatyGimpy, if you feel like you need help in certain aspects of your life, a formal diagnosis might be helpful. Otherwise an informal self-diagnosis and some reading up on ASD might be enough for you to start functioning better because that’ll help you better understand how your brain works.

9

Have you read up on mirror neurons? Basically parts of the brain wired to recognize instinctive behaviors in others as signals? In humans, that includes things such as how specific facial expressions indicate specific emotions. Neurotypical humans learn to interpret facial expressions as infants as seemingly effortlessly as they pick up language. There is speculation that autistic people have malfunctions in their mirror neurons that prevents that innate (or easily learned) recognition of social cues. In experience, it might be a little like the difference between learning a language when you are one year old and learning a language when you are fifty. The one-year-old will do it seemingly casually, without prompting, the fifty-year-old will have to put a lot of hard work into memorizing. People with minds like yours and Temple Grandin’s seem to analogously need to work hard to analyze and memorize things that neurotypical people take for granted.

You might find this fiction book interesting–it revolves around the nature of thought and consciousness and the main character has a similar problem to what you describe, having to memorize social cues that most people “just know.”

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Not weird as in wearing a florescent orange onesie while speaking in Dothraki. Weird as in either not participating in the conversation at all or interrupting with something not related. Weird as in stressing and obsessing because I have an odd number of blueberries on the flan. Being constantly on guard so people don’t think I’m stupid.

I don’t know if I’m looking for a diagnosis. I don’t know what I’m looking for, really. Maybe an answer to my lifelong question of “why don’t I fit in, what’s wrong with me?”.

Interesting - thank you for the links.

11

I am loath to admit it, but I have a hand-flapping thing I do. Not all wild/crazy/obvious just slight and fast and (mostly) unnoticeable. I sort of snap my fingers hard down into my palm and it makes a pleasant, soft clapping sound. I’ve always thought of it as “hand drumming” but I am kind of wondering if it’s stimming.

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I think you’re a kind, caring person. You’ve raised baby birds from eggs, for goodness’ sake. I’m sorry I can’t help but I hope you find some answers.

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Thank you.

My birds help me as much as I help them. With them I can be truly relaxed, calm and happy. All I have to do is stand there and they fly over to me and nibble on my hair and ears. I don’t even have to talk.

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I do something similar. I’ve done it since at least high school, maybe longer. I shake my right hand; if someone saw it it might look like a Parkinson’s-type tremor. I do it unconsciously in stressful situations, however, it would seem my brain is conscious enough not to make it too noticable to others. My wife never noticed I do it until I mentioned it a few months ago. I remember first noticing myself doing it around junior year of high school. I mentioned it to my dad because I was convinced my 17-year-old self was dying of Parkinson’s.:slight_smile:

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FloatyGimpy I think you should seek out answers, if only for your own peace of mind. It sounds like things trouble you, and there may be reasons why your brain does what it does AND why that’s ok. There are things that you can do to reduce your discomfort, but knowing what is going on is a really great first step.

I think you are a wonderful person and I always enjoy hearing from you. Please keep us posted on your journey if you are comfortable doing so.

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This exactly. The more I read and learned about the autistic brain, the more confident and happy I felt. For most of my life I had to work two or three times as hard as everyone around me to sorta kinda function at a normal level, but I still felt like an odd-ball. But not that I’m learning about autism and how my brain operates, my discomfort about who I am is basically gone.

Get diagnosed, don’t get diagnosed, talk to a professional or not. That’s up to you. But I encourage you over the next few weeks to read more about autism, even just finding some essays online written by people with Asperger’s/autism. Just learning more about autism might even help you articulate what you’re going through before talking to a professional.

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A formal diagnosis can also help with getting others to cut you some slack. If you’re bothered enough by it to ask some strangers on the internet, it’s probably worth being evaluated.

FloatyGimpy, I don’t know how you present in person but you’ve expressed yourself beautifully and endearingly here. Is there someone at work–maybe the person who kindly floated the Aspergers notion-- whom you might be able to confide in, and who might help rally others to your side? I think there’s been a big societal shift over the last few decades toward compassion for folks with issues like what you describe. A major stumbling block is ignorance, and the incorrect assumptions people make as a result. So, you do X in a situation where a neurotypical person would usually do Y, and if they did X it would be because they meant to communicate Z, and so your neurotypical co-workers infer Z when you didn’t mean that at all. Or, they see you do X and have no idea what it means, and the uncertainty makes them uncomfortable. But if they understood that you just do X because you’re on the spectrum (or have SPD, ADHD, etc.) they might be cool about it. It takes courage to come out about something like this, and it might make you vulnerable if your co-workers are not kind. But it might help get you to a place where everyone, including you, can just accept who you are, instead of trying to be someone you’re not and constantly stressing about being found out.

18

Having taken a child through the whole formal-diagnosis/therapy/intervention process and been around a bunch of ASD folks in various other contexts, I’d put it even stronger than that - I don’t think anyone needs a formal diagnosis, unless there is some therapy or service that is only available to be accessed for formally diagnosed people.

Aspergers is now officially ‘lumped’ into ASD, and ASD-diagnosed people are generally so different from each other that a diagnosis, by itself, doesn’t really tell you anything theraputically useful - you still need to go through the process of figuring out the individual issues or situations that are a problem, and getting appropriate therapies that might help with them … which is something you can Just Do, diagnosis or no diagnosis!

I know a reasonable number of people who have realised, through the process of getting kids diagnosed, that they themselves probably ought to have got diagnoses as kids. And generally speaking, most of these people pretty much managed to find a path in life that worked for them (in order to get to the point where their in a functional partnership, with kids, and living in the sort of middle-class neighborhood that I live in, or being in the sort of workplace where I’d encounter them). But there’s often something remaining to be worked on (frequently clinical depression, since making your way as an ASD person in a not-ASD world is so freakin hard). And you can still work on your specific, individual issues that are causing you grief, 'cuz why not? It’s probably harder as an adult than a kid, but it still might be helpful.

Sensory issues sound like something that an Occupational Therapist would help with. Speech processing issues - definitely a good Speech Therapist would know something about that. OCD tendencies … I can’t really make a good guess, but I bet there’s someone out there.

TLDR … I encourage you in keeping on going with trying to figure out the things that cause you problems in your life, and if there are things that you can do about them. Some of the solutions might be out there in the ASD community, even if you don’t end up having or needing a diagnosis yourself. Some of the different solutions might be known by different people. And whatever you’re having a problem with, for sure SOMEONE has had a problem with it before, and will have some thoughts about things you might do about it

19

We say in the autistic community that self-diagnosis is valid.

It sounds to me very much like you have what used to be called Asperger’s (though that term isn’t used much anymore, as explained by Aspidistra.)

While self-diagnosis is valid, I suggest you try to get an official diagnosis. I was diagnosed as autistic at the age of 32, and so many things about my life made more sense.

20

How is self-diagnosis ever valid?