I woman uncommonly fat
Tried to masturbate with a rat
But when she got bit
On her ginormous clit
She fed the poor thing to the cat.
HaahahaHAHAhaaaaa!
Good one, terentii.
Haw Haw Haw and eeeeewwww! Another gut-cracker from terentii, gloriously gross and viciously vivid. Dear sir or madam, is this gem of your own creation?
{The DeLux One ponders the possibility of being forced to make with the thermonuclear option before daybreak}
There’ve got to be a half dozen versions of the story of tightwad Dave and his putrid puta in circulation. The first time I heard it was from an old freight-train tramp up in Eugene, or was it Spokane? back when I was young and feetloose. But the version quoted above is about the best I’ve encountered.
I’ve never heard or read the second one before just now. The last couple of lines just fuckin’ make it.
I like this one from Andrew Dice Clay:
Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was suckin’ my cock
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And dumped the bitch off on the next block
Room for a joke about limericks?
So, there’s this man, chuckling to himself. And his wife asks him, “What’s so funny?”. He says “Oh, I was just recalling this really funny limerick I heard earlier today. But it’s really offensive.” “Honey, you know me, I’m not offended by anything. You can tell me.” “But it’s really offensive. I don’t think even you would appreciate it.” “OK, how about you just tell me, but bleep out the offensive parts?” “Well, OK. It goes like this:
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep
Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep fuck.”
I wish it were mine. In fact, I think goes back to at least 1942 (I was once given a thick book full of dirty limericks, dated wherever possible, for my birthday).
Here’s one from a toilet stall in Cambridge, England:
There was a young man from Bombay
who fashioned a cunt out of clay.
But the heat from his prick
turned it into a brick
and it chafed all his foreskin away!
From one of my grad school instructors:
*There was a young man from Madras
whose testes were fashioned of brass.
When he clanged them together,
they played “Stormy Weather”
and lightning shot out of his ass.
*
Another that goes back at least to WWII:
When asked by the Duchess at tea
if ever I fart when I pee,
I replied with some wit
“Do you belch when you shit?”
and thought that was one up for me!
One from Playboy:
I’ll tell you, said prom chairman Rose,
why Peggy’s the prom queen I chose:
She’s delightfully free as the wind on the sea,
and besides, like the wind,
Peggy blows.*
One from a toilet stall at the University of Minnesota:
There once was a young man named Lud
whose girlfriend was kind of a prude.
He got her to eat it
o’er repulsion deep-seated
by saying “Pretend that it’s food!”*
And finally, the ever popular
There was a young man from Racine
who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
it could serve either sex
and anything else in between!
*Surname. 
**Diminutive of “Ludwig.” 
:smack:
The worst way to get Ninja’d!
I’m guessing you’d like to hear the story of Sandpaper Sally?
All the guys said Sandpaper Sally was really, *really *rough, until one day…
WARNING: HIGHLY NSFW! PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK!
…she picked the scabs and let the pus run out. :eek:
DON"T BLAME ME; YOU WERE WARNED! :smack:
Believe it or not, I was told that one by one of my high school music teachers … who later fled to Paris to escape prosecution for sex crimes. (I am **not **making this up!)
Somewhat of a variant:
When asked by the Duchess at tea
If an eggplant I ever did see
I said, ‘Yes,’ rather bored
She said ‘Sir, you’ve explored
Up a hen’s arse much farther than me.’
Neil Gaiman came up with a really filthy one, although really it’s just a collection of naughty words. I can only remember the line “brown nugget, beef curtain.” Nothing pops up on Google, alas.
There once was a lady from France
Who loved to put mice down her pants
The rodents it seems
Were really obscene
And crawled up her ass to romance
How’s this thread gone on for so long without a mention of *The Good Ship Venus *, also known as Friggin’ in the Riggin’? There’s a couple different versions, including one by the Sex Pistols, but to me, the definitive one is by Loudon Wainwright III: (The Good Ship Venus) - YouTube
Gesendet von meinem SM-A510F mit Tapatalk
Limericks are fine, but the gold standard for dirty poems is The Ballad of Eskimo Nell
This one was told to us by my high school Latin teacher (who was, of course, a priest):
*There once were two ladies from Birmingham
And this is a story concerning 'em
They reached under the frock
And fondled the cock
of the bishop engaged in confirming 'em
The bishop was nobody’s fool
He had been to a large public school
So he dropped down his britches
And diddled those bitches
With his eight-inch episcopal tool
But that didn’t deter these two
They said as the bishop withdrew:
“The vicar is quicker,
and thicker and slicker,
and longer and stronger than you”*
I’ve always liked The Ball of Ballynoor:
The melody can be heard here:
The chorus I know is “Singin’ who’ll do ye next time, who’ll do ye noo? The man who did ye last nicht, he no can do ye noo.”
I also heard one about the Duchess at tea, but it was about farts, and clean enough to appear in a Bathroom Reader.
Did his hijinx involve a home video camera and a number of his male students? :dubious:
Another from Playboy:
“Though you paid me up front,” hooker Flo
told her client, “I’m still due some dough.
I felt in gradations,
eleven pulsations,
and I quoted you ten bucks a throw.”
*There was a young harlot from Hew
who filled her vagina with glue.
They paid to get in
where the others had been,
and they paid to get **outta *there too!
*There once was a young girl named Jill—
used a dynamite stick for a thrill!
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.
*
For a change of pace, the only one I ever read in ***Mayfair ***that I thought worth repeating:
A knight named Sir Christopher Palmer
sold his gear to a young Chinese farmer.
When he heard about this,
King Arthur said “Chris,
I hear there’s a Chink in your armor!”
Alternative last line:
“But oh, what a bastard to clean!”