I miss my daughter

[sandra_nz]

It will get better. For me, by the time I was in my mid-twenties, I appreciated my mother a whole lot more.

The reason I pulled away form her in the first place was her constant disapproval of the life I led from the ages 18 - 23 and your post makes me wonder if you are doing the same. I think my mum had an idea of what sort of adult I should be, and I just didn’t fit that mould. All I wanted was for my mother to be happy that I was happy and to treat me as an individual, not to keep trying to shape me into being the sort of person she thought I should be.

It’s very difficult to move from a child-adult relationship to an adult-adult relationship and it requires a lot from both parties. But you’ll both get there in the end.

[Kalhoun]

@WhyNot

You know, the hospital’s full of babies who need cuddling.

My sister did this for a while. It was very rewarding for her. Lots of different situations, including crack babies.

My son and I went through some very rough years, too. I’m happy to say that things are great now. She’s at an age where she’s trying to find out who she is, and it will take her a while to realize that much of who she is is due to you and your husband. Best of luck as you ride out the storm.

[Bam_Boo_Gut]

Even saying “hi” to a teenager can be completely infuriating for them. Try to remember how you felt at that age. I truely believe that many teen problems are magnified by the parents reactions. Keep upbeat and positive. It can be tough, but don’t make it worse.

Keep your chin up - they’ll come back around, but they have to shrug you off in order to grow.

[purple_haze]

@sandra_nz

It will get better. For me, by the time I was in my mid-twenties, I appreciated my mother a whole lot more.

The reason I pulled away form her in the first place was her constant disapproval of the life I led from the ages 18 - 23 and your post makes me wonder if you are doing the same. I think my mum had an idea of what sort of adult I should be, and I just didn’t fit that mould. All I wanted was for my mother to be happy that I was happy and to treat me as an individual, not to keep trying to shape me into being the sort of person she thought I should be.

It’s very difficult to move from a child-adult relationship to an adult-adult relationship and it requires a lot from both parties. But you’ll both get there in the end.

You’re right. I need to re-think how I act towards her at times. For the most part we are able to let things go, but sometimes her dad and I are disappointed in her life choices.

When I called to ask her if she was up to no good, that was 3 1/2 years ago, when she was 16 years old. I would never do that now, but it was appropriate at the time. We had to replace the family room carpet and a chair after that little soiree.

At any rate, I’m taking what all of you say to heart. I’m seeing a good mix of perspectives from both sides - hers and mine. I’m sure she is well aware of how I feel, both good and bad. At this point she probably just wants to live her life without dealing with an overprotective mom.

Luckily, I have a good marriage, close family and friends, work, go to school full-time, and volunteer activities. We also have another teen at home.

My husband and I are cleaning out her room and getting ready to paint and redecorate - we’ve spent hours on that today, in fact. It makes me very sad because I miss her, but it needs to be done.

[schnuckiputzi]

I feel for you, and I have an almost-19 year old that I have a good relationship with, but I also have a 15 yr. old that is schizophrenic (diagnosed by her psychiatrist, not me), so every moment is a new surprise. ‘Hi’ might be answered with calm, or screaming anger. Be thankful that she’s learning to be independant, and I bet you will have an entirely different relationship in 5 years.

[Heffalump_and_Roo]

@purple_haze

Luckily, I have a good marriage,

I’m glad to hear that since it didn’t seem to be the case a couple years ago and a year before that. Good luck with the continuation of that.

[Ruby]

Redecorating her room is a good step, imo, toward your moving forward from the little girl that loved you to the adult woman who will love you again.

I have mixed feelings about the whole teenage angst thing. Being 19 is absolutely NOT an exuse for being disrespectful. While I can appreciate it’s probably just a phase, I would find it hard to let all of that hatefulness just run off my back. On the other hand, being a parent is also not an excuse for disrespect.

Hopefully if you can re-negotiate the ground rules, you can build from here. But from both of you, respect is critical to your success.

[MissIntent]

Just a short one - she’ll grow out of it.

I was like that when I was her age. It only took a few years for that to fade and for me to move back to being close to my mom.

[eleanorigby]

No words of wisdom, just a feeling of comradeship. My daughter and I are ok (I think), it’s my newly 17 year old son who is the distant, disparaging one. Where is the sweet, sweet little boy who loved nature and life and got excited about almost everything? I know he can’t stay sweet and little, but I expected some of the kindness and charm to remain–and so it does, for everyone EXCEPT his parents. People love #1 son. Adults praise him and his circle of friends is wide. How I can’t fathom, given that he speaks in grunts, makes almost no eye contact and has essentially surgically connected his iPod to his ears.
Hang in there. It is so hard to keep putting the positivity out there with no response, but you have to. Find something–no matter how small (some small quirky connection, a lame joke, something), and keep it warm. Don’t overdo it, though. Gah, sometimes parenting takes skills that foreign offices can’t aspire to. Do the best you can and if that’s not good enough, fuck 'em and go get a body massage.
Words to live by.

[Hello_Again]

On the other hand, I was never a difficult teen (my brother was the problem child)… but I’m just not close to my mom. It’s no fault of hers, except for raising me to be very independent, perhaps. She’s a lovely person, but I haven’t found her to be a good source of advice; we just have lived very different lives. I find conversations with her to be completely maddening, and I’m 33. Poor mom, I know she’d like us to be closer. I don’t know how its going to happen unless we both have a massive personality overhaul.

That said, I wouldn’t say we’ve grown apart, per se. I’ve actually never been close to my mom – even as a young child I was highly independent (ie, I spent 8 weeks at summer camp when I was 9 with nary a moment of homesickness - I sort of couldn’t even conceptualize homesickness).

[lobotomyboy63]

When I was about 16, my favorite book was The Unoriginal Sinner and the Ice Cream God by John R. Powers. His more famous work is “Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up?” He’s a Catholic writing about growing up Catholic. I’m not Catholic but I really identified with the main character, Tim Conroy, a male growing up and trying to figure things out, separating the standard adult speak from reality.

Conroy meets a mechanic/gas station owner, Caepan, who says he could do a better job than God. They begin a correspondence, the young man writing to him as though he is God and dropping them off, then retrieving answers on his way to school.

One exchange, paraphrased:

*Conroy: When do child ownership rights expire?

God: I once had a son. When he was no longer a young boy, but a young man, I said to him: "Son, make no mistake about it…for the first part of your life, I did everything for you. I made your life possible. I would have lived without you, but not nearly as well.

<stuff I’ve forgotten>

If we meet after today, let it be because we are friends, not family.*

I think that’s what you want to aim for, OP. Kids grow up and realize that a lot of the discipline was for their own good. They know they needed to be hassled, kept on track, etc. But ultimately they want to be treated as adults, as peers. No, she doesn’t have your experience…yes, she’ll have to learn some things the hard way. But that’s the way it works; weren’t you the same way?

The parents’ job is to put themselves out of a job. Legally she’s an adult now. You can be there when she has questions or needs support, but let her try her legs. You should congratulate yourself on getting her to 18 without too many major scrapes. But now she has to make decisions on her own and they’re hers to live with.

http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

[PunditLisa]

I seriously think that the hormones and attitude are nature’s way of parting children from their parents. If they stayed sweet and cuddly their whole lives, we’d never want them to leave. And our main job as parents is to prepare them to leave and support themselves.

As others have said, give her time. She’s trying to figure herself out. One day she’ll return to you, as an adult, and your relationship will heal itself. My relationship with my mother was very, very contentious for a few years. And now we’re fine.