I need help with an ethical dilemma.

In My Humble Opinion
1

First, some background.

-We’re a more-or-less traditional Chinese family (so academically-demanding parents and all that)
-We live in Hong Kong
-But the two children in question attend an international school

My little sister and brother (11 and 9, respectively) came to me a few days ago to have me aid in concealing their latest academic reports. The sister’s always fared fairly well; she’s not particularly hardworking but she’s pretty smart and the parents pay a lot of attention to her academic performance so she’s always been forced to get things done on time.

Interjection: the grading system is a range of numbers - 1 through 4, with pluses and minuses, the higher being the good end.

Her latest report is quite a bit poorer than the rest. While she’s consistently been getting 4’s for the past little while, this time she’s got 3’s not-so-good comments in the comments box. This would not be, I imagine, a big deal to most. But you don’t have my parents. She will catch hell for it. When she came to me Friday she asked only that I hide the report for her, till later. I did. Only later that day did I find out that she was planning to photoshop the report. I didn’t help with that bit, of course. I thought, screw it, let her mess up on the editing and get found out. Maybe she’ll learn a lesson.

She came back home today with the doctored report, to much applause and fanfare. Turns out she’s better with Photoshop that I would have thought. In her pride she must have shared her plans with Brother, because

the brother has now somehow convinced my mom that his report will take an extra day, and is planning to sneak out to the study in the middle of the night to modify his report card. Now this guy has always been lazy as hell. It’s his first year at the school; his last couple of report cards were mostly 3’s with a couple of 2’s, I think, and a couple of 4’s. The parents were not pleased with that. His report, this time, is worse. Lots of 2’s, no 4’s, as far as I can remember.

The thing is, they’re both probably going to get away with it, but part of the reason the parents expect so much of them is my performance when I was in high school (I did very well). I feel partially responsible for the folks’ being so hard on them.

So here’s my problem. Should I tell the folks? If so, which parent? The mom is the petty but generally nicer one. Dad will probably beat the shit out of the both of them and then have a stroke. Should I tell them the whole story? If not, should I help them out of this mess?

2

I can actually identify with you family dynamics in ways you cannot imagine. I think you should first tell your siblings to come clean themselves first. As their older sibling, do your best to impress your younger brother and sister that they are wrong in doctoring their grade reports. Give them a chance to fess up first, but if they don’t, you need to get a message to your parents, probably mom who will probably be more restrained in her response. Please believe me, I know how tough (and unreasonable at times) your parents can be, but they are only looking after the children’s long term welfare based on their own upbringing.

3

Oh boy…to me, this is a tough one. See, I know of people who have altered report cards before. Turned F’s into A’s and all that. Kind of like cheating, in a way. Quite honestly, as repugnant as it sounds, I don’t blame people for doing it. Just that it’s short-sighted and can get them in huge trouble in the long run, unless they can alter transcripts.

The thing is, if you tell the parents, will they believe you? Can you prove to them that the kids are cheating? Some people like to "shoot the messenger, so to speak.
I truly feel for kids under tons of academic pressure because of what their siblings may or may not have done. Everyone has different abilities and some people are just unable to do what may be expected of them. “Can’t” is a term I tend not to like, but sometimes it’s a valid reason. I’ve known people who work their butts off, only to end up with C’s and I’ve known people who nothing and yet still get good grades.

At any rate, they’re young, but if they’re cheating now, I can’t help but think that it’ll get worse later on, unless they get their acts together. I think for rught now, it’s best to let the kids make their own mistakes, but when you sense that enough is enough, go ahead and say something.
Hope that helps.

4

Agree this is a tough one…on the one hand, sounds like parents who have unrealistic expectations and little room for disappointment.

On the other hand, you have at least a sister who may, or may not, be slipping, but a brother who is coasting.

The damage has been done.

Sit down with both sister and brother and give them a heart to heart. They get off this time, but if they try this stunt again, you will not only rat them out for the next time, you will inform you parents on this time as well…and let them know you are not stupid…ain’t no way they are going to get away with it again, if you have to go to the teachers and ask for verification of their next report cards.

That said, you also have to stand up to your parents when, and if, bad reports come from your siblings. Let them know those two are NOT you! And tell your mother and father to cut them some slack…I know it is easy for me to say, but it is your job as the oldest to soften the blow and protect the younger.

Good luck…not going to be easy.

5

This is a tough one indeed. And it doesn’t help if you feel that somehow it’s your fault that the parents expect so much. I wish you the best.

As for what I’d do, or what I wish I’d done when I had the chance, I say you have to explain to your parents that mediocre grades do not guarntee mediocrity in life. The example that springs to my mind is Louis Pasteur, who graduated with a C. Bill Gates is a college drop-out. There are many others if you look for them.

As a kid, I remember lying (speaking of school, how the hell do you spell that?) to my mother about grades, fearing her reaction to my less than stellar performance. Needless to say, I was found out, as I suspect your siblings will be. So I’d say you should explain to the little ones that running away from problems, and lying about them, does not make them go away. Then again, you don’t learn that except through experience. So I would not tell on them, but I’d explain that this is a temporary solution that would only bring worse consequences.

For the older ones, explain to them that being so strict will only drive a wedge between them and their kids, and that they’re not likely to notice this until much, much later, when little can be done. And again, poor academic performance is no indication of mediocrity. Besides, they have to let kids be kids.

6

A simple phone call to the school will resolve any issues. I say they have a right to know. I’m from a similar background so I know the pressures involved but deliberately doctoring documents is not a good path to go down.

The best solution if you could pull it off would be to tell the parents first under the proviso that they not do anything yet and then give your siblings a choice about whether they should tell them or you tell them. If they tell them, tell the parents to go lighter or them about it.

7

Until I got to the “beat the shit out of” part, I was thinking, Always Tell The Truth. It’s a shame your parents are so hung up on performance - high expectations are good, unreasonable ones not so. I imagine they’ll go ballistic over bad grades + deception.

I’m sort of with FWorld, I guess. By now, the deeds have been done - but they can’t keep doctoring every report card, they’ll get caught eventually. And that would be much, much worse. Certainly let your sibs know
Can you use “not snitching” as leverage? Seems like your sister and brother are capable of pulling their grades up. Tell them you never ever want to be part of such deception again, and if you have an inkling, you will snitch unless they get better grades. Impress on them consequences - kids have a hard time with that concept. They’ll be living in fear for years that it will come out, if this becomes a habit.

I wonder what Randy Cohen the Ethicist would say?

8

I suggest what other posters have said. Be the big serious older sibling and level with them. Tell them that this is the last time you’ll play accomplice, and if they don’t buckle down, you’ll beat their asses* and rat them out.

I wouldn’t be inclined to snitch on them, although I do envision you catching flack if/when your parents find out (because they will most certainly ask if you knew anything about it…and if you’re anything like me, you won’t be able to lie convincingly). I’m thinking they probably will find out, at least in the case of your brother. But I think having the trust of your siblings, however mischievious they are, is also important. If you rat them out now, they may not trust you with secrets that have more dangerous implications. They may not forgive you for a long time. Twenty years from now you’ll have to hear about how lame you were for telling. It may not be worth the headache.

*just kidding, but do whatever it takes to scare the living bejesus out of them

9

Thank you, folks. I’m an accomplice in this one now, but I milked it for all it was worth. They haven’t learnt a lesson, I don’t think, but hopefully the thought that they no longer have me or Photoshop to fall back on (and because they won’t be able to fool me - I’m in pretty close contact with some of the teachers and a number of alumni who also have siblings at the school) will drive them to a little more homework and a little less screwing around.

Again, thanks. I was |<—>| this close to doing something drastic.

I’m not sure what that means, but then I’m not sure what I was going to do anyway, so there.