I have two good friends in this town that are good friends with each other and they make it their duty to know what i am doing at all times. I am SICK of it. My best friend calls me every single day (we work together too) and if I don’t answer the phone for whatever reason, she gives me the third degree. where was I? Who was I with? what was I doing?
she exepects me to talk to her until she wants to get off the phone… be it two hours or 30 mintues…
she is my best friend. I love to pieces, but she is driving me nuts.
the other day she just out of the blue said I need to chop off my hair that is down to the middle of my back because is “unsuiting to my face” and that I should change the color. and I said, “why?” and she said , “because you know i’m right.” which I HATE having short hair. HATE HATE HATE IT! I was always forced to have short hair when I was a kid. and now that I am not a child anymore… i don’t want to cut my hair. why should I have to put up with unsolicted advice on my hair? It would have been different if I had asked… but I didn’t… and if anyone is on the phone here… she will have our other friend message me ask who i am talking to…
I’m about to lose it… I really am… I am 23 years-old and I don’t have to answer to anyone. but everyone in this town is just like that. I hate it.
secretkeeper, that was only a moderate rant, but as much as other Dopers might lead you to believe, volcanic, obscene rants are only good for style points. You probably felt better getting it off your chest, which is, after all, the point, no?
FWIW, I hope you keep your hair long. Never having seen or spoken to you, that seems arbitrary, but it ain’t. I think that women, in general, are more attractive with long hair. I know it is more difficult to care for, so I never complain when someone decides to cut their hair, though I may shed a silent tear.
Still, that ain’t really the point of you rant, is it? It’s the dadgum invasiveness of your friends and neighbors. Well, we both know that ain’t a-gonna change as long as you live in that town. And since you didn’t bring it up, it’s unlikely you’re planning to leave. So, I’d suggest you find the Economy Size Salt Shaker and make the best of your nosy friends. There’s a poster I can’t remember on SDMB that has a sig to the effect of “One advantage to living in this town is, if I ever don’t know what I’m doing, someone else will.”
Hope tomorroe’s a better day for you, and Welcome to SDMB!
Geez, look at all those typos! I hang my head in shame, and strongly auto-suggest some sleep.
I am definitely older than 23, and I still have long hair.
For the same reasons you have long hair. I was forced to have it chopped off as a kid, and now that I have a CHOICE, it’s gonna be long. Long, baby. (I used to be able to sit on it, until I cut off the split ends.)
I’ve seen women of all ages with long hair. It isn’t so much the length of the hair, it’s the way it’s styled. A “mature” woman can style her hair in a more “mature” style, and she’ll look lovely. Long hair can be styled in many ways. Usually, I have my hair in a simple ponytail or braid, which takes almost zero time to style. I know for a fact that I spend less money and time on my hair than some of my short-haired friends do. Hell, I even cut my own hair! (Just hack a bit off the ends with the sewing scissors.)
So, don’t EVER cut your hair, unless you are 100% sure that it is what YOU want to do.
I have also come to the conclusion that other women try to talk long-haired women into cutting their hair out of jealousy. I’m not sure it’s always the case, of course, but it can be a big reason. One of my sister’s friends convinced my sister to cut her long hair, and later confessed that she only did it out of jealousy. I used to have friends go on “campaigns” to get me to cut my hair. Why the HELL do they fricking care? Obviously something is motivating them, and I doubt it’s a burning desire to get you to “look your best”. Give me a break.
There was even a classic short story written about this. “Bernise Bobs Her Hair”, I think it was called.
One of my male friends is so appalled at the idea that I would ever cut my hair, he has urged me to call him up if I ever have the urge to cut it. He will then attempt to “talk me down” from my drastic plans. (Not unlike a person would talk someone down from jumping off of a building ledge.) It is my opinion that men are less likely to try to talk a woman into cutting her hair. I’m sure some men have tried, but my hunch is - very few. I suspect that they have dramatically different opinions of long hair on women.
Anyway, to address the whole of your post: DON’T let your nosy friend run your life! Sheesh!
exactly. what is in it for them? why do they care? plus styles are a little behind the times here…so i guess long, jet black hair is a little odd for them to see.
everyone else has what they would call “normal” hair styles…
long hair makes me feel pretty. plus, i have also have naturally wavy, curly hair, so when it is short, it is very unruly. they also want me to stop plucking my eye brows. so they think short, unruly hair and a unibrow are going to help me attract some man?
Alternatively, do not allow a nosy busybody to be a ‘friend’
Long hair is always “in”. Besides, unless your corner of Georgia doesn’t have magazines or cable, (which of course I highly doubt) the concept of long hair cannot be that foreign of a thing!
Your hair sounds absolutely gorgeous the way it is. It sounds like it is much better for you to have it long. There is no doubt in my mind that there is some jealousy (conscious or subconscious) motivating your friend to urge you to cut it.
Eyebrow plucking can be taken to an extreme, though I have no idea how much your pluck your eyebrows. Plucking a little less is one thing, but ceasing to pluck, and allowing a “unibrow” to grow does not sound like good advice. Don’t listen to these ninnies.
I had a friend like that actually right about at your age. She was a good person- heart of gold, but I started to get that “Single White Female” vibe from her. A lot of “where were you? with whom? When are WE going out again?” and it freaked me out. It became unbearable due to other circumstances in my life (a divorce) and I distanced myself from her. I’ve recently seen her a few times and work with her sister, so I have a feeling we’ll be having a confrontation about it.
No one has a right to keep tabs on you or tie up all your time. Start screening calls and saying “I’d rather not discuss that”.
Zette
I wish I could have nice long hair, but it’s so fine and straight any time I let it get past my shoulders it looks like limp seaweed, no matter how I curl it.
At least with it just brushing my shoulders, I can curl it and give it some body. And don’t suggest perms-I’ve still got straggly, broken pieces from my last perm-over a year ago!
So keep your hair, unless of course, it looks really gross and straggly and greasy and limp.
And thus, I envy you folks. 
Well your “friend” sounds like a toxic, life-sapping person to me. I can understand having to find a way to work with a person like this if she is your mother or something, but friends do not treat each other this way. She can’t unless you let her. I’d go as far as to say this sounds like an emotionally abusive relationship. If she were your SO, people would be telling you to dump that controlling SOB, so I’m going to tell you the same thing here–dump her. She is not a friend.
If you just can’t do that, then you must set boundaries, or she will drive you crazy for the rest of your natural life. Do NOT answer her nosy questions. When she asks you where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, etc. tell her it really doesn’t concern her and change the subject. When she offers you unsolicited advice, tell her you will take that under consideration, and then just do what you want to. Stop letting this abusive bitch control you. She will either start acting like a true friend,or she will move along to annoy the crap out of some other victim.
I had a VERY short cut for about 13 years. Around 1998, two things happened: (1) the (female) barber who regularly buzzed my hair for me decided to become a NUN, and (2) I began to notice the gray creeping in. So I decided to start growing it out. I find long silvery hair in a tasteful 'do, over even a simple ponytail or braid, very attractive and much cooler than an old-lady perm. And my mother and her two sisters all have beautiful silver-white hair (cut short, but the color is great), and I’m hoping that genetics will work in my favor for once.
Now if someone would just show me how to DO stuff with my hair, which is now past my shoulders. A braid is about the most complicated thing I can do, and I’m hopeless with a curling iron. I’m thinking of getting a very slight perm, just to avoid “hag hair.”
Anyway, I agree with those who say not to let this person try to manipulate you. You don’t need “friends” like that. Dump her, or draw a firm line in the sand.
she is not abusive… she is just nosy… she is my closet friend here. we hang out all the time and we have fun together and when i am down she is always there for me and she doesn’t tell me I told you so, like other people would… she just feels that she is right all the time.
secretkeeper78, I’m going to echo what the wise Calliope said, in spades.
First, only you can decide if your friend is abusive - we message board folk can’t decide that for you. It sounds like she is at least bordering on being so, in terms of not respecting your time and your autonomy. If you want her in your life, you need to set the boundaries and enforce them or she will drive you batty.
You don’t mention how long you’ve been friends. Sometimes relationships fall into a pattern. For instance, I had a friend that I used to depend on quite a bit for emotional support, and she took on the role of advice-giver. As I started to depend more on myself, and I resented when she would take on the advice-giver/big sister role. In order to stay friends we had to find a new way to relate to one another. Ultimately we had to stop being friends - she didn’t like me so much when I stopped being “needy little sister,” she only liked me when she could boss me around.
You need to talk to her about the way this stuff makes you feel, or she will drive you insane. Telling a friend when they are out of line is a way of showing respect for the friend and the friendship. Real friends might be upset or have their feelings hurt at first, but if they value the friendship they will try to understand and meet you halfway. Friends who disappear at the first sign of disagreement are not friends.
There are some ways to enforce the boundaries in everyday conversation without having a big Talk.
“So, when are you going to cut your hair? You would be so pretty if you did.”
“I’m not cutting my hair, I really wish you would stop asking me about it. So, how are you? Did you hear about the Queen?”
“So, who were you on the phone with?”
“How kind of you to ask.* So, how are you? Do you think the Israelis will kill Arafat outright?”
Answer any and all “Where were you?” questions with “I was in the bathroom, thanks for asking.”
*“How kind of you to ask” and then changing the subject back to the asker is the grandmammy of responses to rude personal questions. “So, when are you and [boyfriend of 6 weeks] getting married?” “How kind of you to ask! When are YOU getting married?”
You are completely correct in the title of this thread; you do indeed need your privacy. No matter how close a friend is, they have absolutely no business grilling you on what you do with your time, or demanding more of your time than you’re willing to give, or telling you what to do with your hair or how to live your life. You must be a VERY easygoing person to not have told this friend to take a long walk on a short pier a long time ago, secretkeeper. Maybe it is time to have a chat with this friend and tell her very politely to back off and mind her own business. Her response to that will tell you what kind of friendship you actually have with her.
(Keeping tabs on who you talk to on the phone? Obsessive, controlling behaviour, anyone? If this were a boyfriend, secret, I’d be advising you to RUN from this relationship.)
secretkeeper78, your friends sound like my mother and sisters. And I’m 32, so I’m here to tell you that IT DOESN’T END. 
And as for the hair, I’m in the midst of quite an interesting dilemma…
A few weeks ago, I decided I was going for the gusto, and chopping my hair (mid-back at this point) into a chin-length bob (I wore it that way in college for awhile–it’s a good look for me).
My mom has been bugging me (and again, let me say that I feel your pain) to cut my hair off for YEARS she’d like me to go even shorter than the bob… she and my (late) father have always loved me with practically no hair), and I’ve been ignoring her.
Shortly before my birthday, however, I got the bug up my ass, and made an appointment for a Thursday afternoon, and notified the folks in my office that I’d be taking off early that day.
Then my coworker (who is NOT really my friend, so why she thinks it’s OK to offer such unsolicited beauty advice, I dunno) started freaking out and begging me NOT to cut my hair. She was very upset, and tried her damndest to convince me it was a horrible idea. “Does your mother know about this???” she demanded (and was even more chagrined to know that my mother was on board with the plan).
Turned out I had to cancel the appointment because my boss is a dork (but that’s another thread…), and get this–
MY COWORKER WAS CONVINCED THAT IT WAS A SIGN FROM GOD.
Why?
Because, she told me, she’d been PRAYING that God would show me what a bad idea it was to cut my hair. And I don’t mean “praying” in the figurative sense (like one might say, "I was praying that I wouldn’t get a parking ticket, but they don’t really mean that they were on their knees in the name of Jesus). I mean she swears that every night before bed, she TALKED TO GOD ABOUT MY HAIR.
And she confessed all of this to me when I had to cancel my hair appointment (which took three weeks to get). She was elated. One might say RAPTUROUS.
The thing is, I have kind of changed my mind about the haircut thing. For one thing, I’m still emotionally scarred from a disastrous haircut I got in kindergarten (nobody came NEAR me with scissors thereafter, until Middle School), and so have probably had fewer than 20 haircuts in my entire life. For another, I had one of those REALLY! GOOD! hair days this weekend. Which coincided with a party I went to on Saturday night. Which made me think, “Oh, Hair, I love you… please forgive me for planning to chop you short…”
Which makes me as much of a nutjob as my coworker.
Thing is, now that I have changed my mind about cutting my hair, I’m afraid my coworker will believe that her prayers worked (and, frankly, who am I to say they didn’t?)…
…and that’s just a little disturbing to me. I’m tempted to cut my hair anyway, just to prove something, but that’s not wise…
Sorry to hijack.
This is stunning in its perfection. I’m going to get it tattooed on my hand as a reminder.
Wow.
Thanks.