My son and I are going to turn the front yard into a graveyard for halloween, and I need more ideas for hilarious headstones. We want to make about ten cardboard “graves”. My creativity has fled and I need your help. All I can think of at the moment is something like:
Here lies
Edward Bulwer-Lytton,
Writer
“At last a decent plot”
Can you help? Thanks!
I always liked the one Blackadder wanted on his grave:
“Here lies Edmund Blackadder.
And he’s bloody annoyed.”
Beneath this grassy
mound now rests
One Edgar Oscar
Earl,
Who to another
hunter looked
Exactly like a
squirrel
Here lies the body of Thomas
Proctor
Who lived and died without a
doctor.
Here lies the body of
William Jay
Who died maintaining his
right of way;
He was right, dead right, as he
sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he’d
been wrong.
I can’t remember where I heard this one, but I want “I told you I was sick”. I think it would work for your purposes as well.
Elvis- Accept it.
Disco.
Here lies the dentist John McTavity,
Now he’s filling his last cavity.
And part of a genuine one on someone’s grave:
In this grave
lies little Mike,
I told him
not to touch my bike.
This Trick or Treater
lies six feet under,
came to my house
to trick and plunder.
Here lies the
neighborhood Bard,
he let his dog
crap in my yard!
just a few,
later, Tom.
I always liked WC Fields:
I’d rather be in Philidelphia
Or Grampa Simpson’s:
This ain’t so bad…
What are you using for the tomb stones. I found that the 1’x4’x1" styrofoam panels at Homey Depot are cheap and look really good if you glue 2 together. You can carve different shapes with them and get some great looks with some very lightly applied black and grey spraypaint. Break some edges off for that 'chipped look and use latex for the lettering so it won’t ‘melt’ the foam.
later, Tom
Here lies the body of
Ann Mann
Who lived an old maid
And died an old Mann
Afflictions sore full long she bore
Physicians was in vain
Till death released the dear deceased
And left her a Remain
The Clay that rests beneath this Stone
As Silas Wood was widely Known
Now I hear you ask what Good
It was to me to be S. Wood
O Man, let not Ambition trouble you
Is the Advice of Silas W.
I remember these from Ripley’s Believe it or Not cartoons. Some of these, I suspect, are Not. But that shouldn’t affect your use of them.
Once I wasn’t, then I was, now I ain’t AGAIN
Here beneath this stone we lie
Back to back, my wife and I
And when the angel’s trump shall trill
If she gets up, then I’ll lie still
John Yeast
Pardon me for not rising
Haine Hain’t
Lester Moore
Four Slugs from a .44
No Les
No Moore (As I’ve noted before,highly unlikely)
One from the Old West:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four shots from a .44
No Les
No Moore
Thanks, everyone! These are great. Keep 'em coming.
One just made up:
Here lies Johnathan Tate,
At the end of a rope he met his fate…
A few real ones:
Here is where ??? lies
Nobody laughs, nobody cries
Where he goes, how he fares
Nobody knows, nobody cares
Owen Moore
Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.
William Wilson
Here Lieth W.W.
Who never more will
Trouble you, trouble you.
Paul Lennis Swank
Here under the dung of the cows and sheep,
Lies an old highclimber fast asleep.
His trees all topped and his lines all hung,
They say the old rascal died full of rum.
Elizabeth Rich
36-33-01-24-17
Honey you dont know what you did for me,
always playing the lottery.
The numbers you picked came in to play,
two days after you passed away.
For this, a huge monument I do erect,
for now I get a yearly check.
How I wish you were alive,
for now we are worth 8.5
Edgar Allan Poe
Quoth the Raven nevermore.
under the guy’s name it says: Thanks for stopping by!
“Wake me when the show starts.”
I was gonna use that for myself but now I’m going to be cremated, so you go ahead and use it if you like.
Here lyeth ye body of
MARTHA DIAS
always noisy not very pious
Who live to ye age of
3 score and 10
And gave to worms
What she refus’d to men.
Shropshire, England c. 1675
Two that I remember reading somewhere when I was a kid:
Here lies the body
of Herbert Snoot.
He almost learned
to parachute.
and:
Here lies the body
of Six-Gun McGraw.
His mother-in-law
was quick on the draw.
From Prof. Peter Shickele’s book The Definitive Biography of P.D.Q. Bach,
P.D.Q. Bach
1807-1742
Here lies a man with sundry flaws
And numerous sins upon his head;
We buried him today because
As far as we can tell, he’s dead.
The book goes on to say that “Eventually P.D.Q. Bach’s family was successful in having him moved [from his mausoleum] to an unmarked pauper’s grave.”
Beneath this sod lies another…